Venting I'm so sad rn

[jbear824]

Idk why, but I'm very sad tonight. And it's related to my sexuality/orientation. And it's contributing to my suicidality a lot right now.

I'm 33 and gay. And not straight passing. I've never had a boyfriend. No one has ever been in love with me. I've never been able to connect with the larger queer community. I feel completely disconnected from it in fact. I don't have any queer friends at all. Not a single one. I've never had any queer friends.

I'm surrounded by cishet people who don't understand what life is like for us. They also have really ignorant and shitty takes about queer issues. And I can't say anything because I am completely outnumbered by straight people ready to jump down my throat if I dare say they don't know what they are talking about.

My sadness tonight though is due to the fact that I will never have a true partner.

I have a friend. My best friend. I refer to him as my partner because we've chosen to share this life and go through it together. But he is straight. He'll never love me like that. He'll never want me in a way that I feel like I might be missing. I'm really struggling with my feelings tonight. For years now I was certain that I was aromantic. Because a lot of the time, I find many aspects of romance and monogamy to be utterly repulsive.

This is gonna sound stupid. I was watching a movie earlier called Beautiful Thing (1996), the premise being that two teen boys (16yr olds) who live next to each other in a London council estate fall in love and comes to terms with their sexuality. And I started feeling like I was missing something. The way they looked at each other. No one has ever looked at me like that. The way they kissed each other. I've never been kissed like that. I don't think I ever will at this point and now I don't even understand what I want anymore.

I love my friend. I may be in love with him and am only just now fully realizing that. I think I've been in denial about it because I don't want to lose him or drive him away. He doesn't know I feel this way. And tbh I think my only option is to keep pretending I don't have these feelings.

I don't think I've ever really embraced my gay/queerness. My life has been so full of isolating trauma that I just never connected to other queer people. I've never been to a pride parade and when I think about going, I feel repulsion even though I don't want to feel that.

I'm not getting younger. I'm obese. I'm diabetic. I have health conditions. I have severe, chronic, treatment resistant mental illness. I can't work, or drive. By all objective standards, I am ugly and undesirable in almost every measurable way.

There is no man on this earth that would ever want me in that way. Any any man that say they would are just settling.

I have no idea what it feels like to belong in the community. To be embraced by other people like me. And the way my life is going, and the way the world is developing, I don't think I ever will. I'm going to die without ever experiencing that kind of love and acceptance. Die without ever having experienced a relationship with a man that wasn't just about sex.

I've lost too much time. And it's not as simple as just going to a pride event or joining a dating app. I have no relationship with the queer world. I want one. But I think it's just too late. And I see all these queer kids in gen z and there just so connected with each other. They have community and camaraderie. They aren't afraid to showcase their queerness. To thrust it up on the world and not give a shit. While I try to deepen my "gay voice". I tone down my flamboyancy. I avoid queer activities. I've all but given up sex at this point because I am just too ugly for anyone to want that with me.

I'll die without having ever belonging. And most likely alone. This is so little mermaid, but I want to be part of that world. But I never will be. I missed my chances, I missed out on those formative years. I missed out on being a part of the community. I'm now just on the outside looking in.

I just. Idk. I've denied so much. Had to repress so much.

and now we have a political party hellbent on getting rid of people like me. And if they dont get rid of us, they plan to oppress us in ways I can't even imagine.

idk. Sorry. I'm just a whiny faggot. I wish I could just die. Like just drop dead.

 

[IWishToDie]

Can't really help you with the gay thing but for the weight, I lost 20KG in 6 months focusing on potatoes and fish. It was a breeze. There are steps you can take to improve yourself. When you're older try moving to a friendly city for the gays, maybe? Best of luck.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I can't speak for everywhere in the world but, I have a male gay friend who must be in his late 40's now. We used to go out to gay bars and stuff- even though I'm a straight female. I always found his friends really warm and friendly. A festival would scare me- I wouldn't start off with that but I don't know- I wonder if there are clubs or friend groups near you.

Over the partner thing- you just don't know. None of us really does. I'm probably in a similar dating position to you- although, I've pretty much given up on all that now. Still- to me- it sounds like you would want something with substance which I imagine would grow out of friendship- which sadly- won't happen unless you meet like minded individuals. It's bound to be scary so, I guess you just have to ask yourself- what are you more willing to put up with? The fear of trying or the loneliness? Sorry- a bit of tough love there. I hope you do find some nice people to connect with though.