I'm so privileged, yet I want to die.

[Anxi0usandDepressed]

The way my problems are entirely mental. Outside of that, my life really isn't bad. I'm privileged in a lot of ways. I have a stable house to live in, I have a loving and supporting family, I do not have any physical ailments, I do not go without anything that I need, I do not have to worry about being kicked out and forced to fend for myself, etc etc.

I feel absolutely pathetic because of it. There are so many people, some I know, who have had to overcome so many adversities in their life, things out of their control, and they've done it. They've made it, they're out doing shit and succeeding and getting through life, despite all the hardships they've been through and continue to go through. Then there's me. Coddled, sheltered, privileged little me, who's already ready to throw in the towel. Are you fucking serious.

 

[eashanm]

Just FYI, there was a billionaire who committed suicide by gunshot. Although he was old at 78, but still...

 

[Anxi0usandDepressed]

It seems like a pretty common sentiment here. I never understood it - because it's not like you asked for any of this. People can have a pretty good life on paper and still feel this way. You can treat yourself like a stranger and try to look at it objectively from an outsider's pov but when you do that you're never going to get the full picture. I'm not going to pretend I know what someone else's life is like - based on whether they appear successful or not. What I find is - everyone has demons - and everyone struggles in their own way. It's up to you decide whether it's all worth it.

I also don't understand the logic here I guess, because the alternative would be.. to go through these adversities in order for your feelings to be valid or justified? There's always going to be another basis of comparison, someone whose thought to have suffered more than you or whose more deserving - so when is enough enough? There are people who face horrible adversities who don't come out on top - as well as people like you who live ''privileged'' lives and still succumb to their mental illness, but I guess people just forget about them when they feel its convenient to compare themselves.

Wow, this comment helps me *a lot*. It really took me out of my head for a moment and allowed me to think about it more clearly and logically. I guess with all my low self esteem and self loathing, I get lost in it. I needed this perspective, thank you for taking the time to type it.

 

[hermestrimegistus]

Oof. I get it. Sucks. Like you're not allowed to be depressed because you have everything you need to survive and more. Just adds an endless cycle of guilt whenever I have dark thoughts. And then the guilt just adds to it and the cycle continues

 

[ringo99]

There's no rule that says privileged people are not allowed to feel depressed and suicidal. People have their reasons. Yours are just as valid as anyone else's

 

[Buildingsandcastles]

I can relate to that. One day I saw a cliche quote/idea I liked that was something along the sentiment of "You don't tell people who are happy and love life that it's fucked up that they feel and think that way because there are so many people who have it so much better than them so they shouldn't be happy. Yet we tell depressed people who want to die they shouldn't feel depressed and suicidal because a lot of people have it way worse" It points out the hypocrisy. We get the guilt put upon us for feeling bad, but looked at in the same context with a "positive" thing its not the same. Also, no one cares about someones adversity until they've overcome it, when actually in it everyday, every year, every decade, no one cares. And a lot of us are incapable of overcoming it and therefore we don't get that care or validation. I'm sorry, if that doesn't make sense/isn't clear. I got chronic TBI with cognition and memory issues from ECT treatment and the bad cognitive days have been getting more prevalent.

 

[bcl001]

You're not alone, I share these sentiments exactly. My life is objectively great using almost any measure you could choose.

I live in a privileged country, hold a high paying job which does work for a good cause, am fit, attractive, intelligent and socially competent. I have hobbies and family and friends who care about me greatly. On paper I couldn't ask for more.

Yet I don't give a shit. I don't care about my future and have no interest in seeing it out. I am a waste of my circumstances. I think of how happy someone normal could be in my shoes and wonder what is wrong with me, why am I like this.

 

[BitSad]

You're not alone, I share these sentiments exactly. My life is objectively great using almost any measure you could choose.

I live in a privileged country, hold a high paying job which does work for a good cause, am fit, attractive, intelligent and socially competent. I have hobbies and family and friends who care about me greatly. On paper I couldn't ask for more.

Yet I don't give a shit. I don't care about my future and have no interest in seeing it out. I am a waste of my circumstances. I think of how happy someone normal could be in my shoes and wonder what is wrong with me, why am I like this.

Yet happiness come from the inside, that's why all the circumstances can all be good and yet feeling as not caring to anything.

 

[niki wonoto]

The way my problems are entirely mental. Outside of that, my life really isn't bad. I'm privileged in a lot of ways. I have a stable house to live in, I have a loving and supporting family, I do not have any physical ailments, I do not go without anything that I need, I do not have to worry about being kicked out and forced to fend for myself, etc etc.

I feel absolutely pathetic because of it. There are so many people, some I know, who have had to overcome so many adversities in their life, things out of their control, and they've done it. They've made it, they're out doing shit and succeeding and getting through life, despite all the hardships they've been through and continue to go through. Then there's me. Coddled, sheltered, privileged little me, who's already ready to throw in the towel. Are you fucking serious.

I'm 41 years old guy from Indonesia. To be honest, I rarely post & comment on this forum anymore (I even rarely visit here anymore). But I've just happened to see your post here, and I just want you to know that you're not alone in feeling/thinking like this. Even though I don't live in the first world countries, but I do still admit that I've come from quite a privileged family background here in Jakarta (Indonesia). I used to study (& graduated) in Los Angeles (U.S) back in 1998 until 2002, and even that itself was already a 'privilege' that just only few Indonesians were able to do. Most of my friends do think that I've come from a 'rich' family, although lately unfortunately my parents' financial circumstances seems to get worse. In fact, to be very honest, my friends IRL even say/viewed me as a 'spoiled, pampered' person. And what's even worse (or perhaps even the worst of it all) is that I'm basically a NEET (& semi-hikikomori), still living (& depended) on my parents' house, and still jobless/unemployed basically (for a long time, 10+ years to be very honest). So you can only imagine how much I feel like I'm a 'loser/failure' & a waste of space & oxygen that shouldn't exist in this world, yet still exist anyway (mainly because I also don't have courage to ctb/suicide).

And just like you too, my problems are also entirely 'mental', in the context of basically my 'mindset', perspective, perceptions, & way of thinking is just not "normal" ("normies") anymore. I feel like an alien, that can't relate to most people, in fact, to human beings at all. Nobody really truly understands me, and my thoughts or thinking. Sadly, as I've got much older now, it seems to only getting worse now. I don't even know if I could be 'tough/strong' enough to survive another year (especially if for example should my life would got a lot much worse & more difficult & troublesome in the near future).

I hate this world, I hate our today's modern 21st century "capitalistic" society & era, where everything just feels so materialistic, superficial, shallow, vain, hollow, & empty. I hate this life, existence, & basically I hate this 'reality' because it's all just feels so random, chaos/chaotic, absurd, unfair, ridiculous, stupid, mundane/boring, limiting, pointless/meaningless, & depressing really. Nobody else IRL seems to think like I do, so you can only imagine how alone/lonely I really feel.

Here's my post that I've made here back on March 2022, so hopefully you can see where I'm coming from more clearly:

I'm 40 years old this year, and I still don't know what to do, and whether I should continue to live, or just die?

Long story short, my life is a complete failure. It's full of wrong decisions, (in)actions, regrets, mistakes after mistakes, that I honestly think maybe it's already too late to "fix everything" (eg: I'm losing all the good chances/opportunities, as I'm getting old now). It's really ironic &...

sanctioned-suicide.net

But yeah, of course obviously I feel so much guilty too, because everybody told/viewed/judged/see me as a person that "shouldn't even be depressed"! Yet but here I am, have been diagnosed with Major Depression (back in 2020). And I've often thinking about death & suicide/ctb.

Sorry btw, this suddenly turned into a long 'rambling/oversharing'. It's honestly been a (long) while ever since I've last commented here on this forum/website.
But thank you for posting this post, really.
At least I also know that I'm not alone too, in feeling/thinking like this.

- niki wonoto -
( from Jakarta, Indonesia )