Venting I'm so pathetic

[seekingoblivion]

The title pretty much says it. I'm a fucking failure and a coward. And stupid to top it off. I don't know what to do. I'm trapped in this stupid life as the worthless fucking creature I am. I wanted to end it tonight but I couldn't. Because I am stupid I couldn't get things right and because I'm a coward I gave up and just went to bed. I'm a failure even at suicide. I don't know what the fuck to do now. I hate myself so much right now. I literally want to spit on myself.

 

[itsallover]

Don't be so hard on yourself. Suicide and overcoming survival instinct are very difficult.

 

[Apostle]

can'tdecide is right. I'm sorry about the attempt, and what you're experiencing, and I hope you get through it soon, in one way or another. But, this forum wouldn't even exist if this stuff was easy. I understand being upset that the attempt didn't work out and that you're suffering, but you don't have any reason to be upset with yourself. We're all struggling hard with this, many of us in the same areas as you. It's hard. This site is bursting with evidence of that, and it's painful, and it's frustrating, but it's no one's fault.

 

[Mogley26]

The title pretty much says it. I'm a fucking failure and a coward. And stupid to top it off. I don't know what to do. I'm trapped in this stupid life as the worthless fucking creature I am. I wanted to end it tonight but I couldn't. Because I am stupid I couldn't get things right and because I'm a coward I gave up and just went to bed. I'm a failure even at suicide. I don't know what the fuck to do now. I hate myself so much right now. I literally want to spit on myself.

Same here. Shit.
Literally had a great chance and didn't do it. I have another chance Thursday afternoon or another chance next Tuesday at night again. Tuesday at night is best. During the day might be a chance for someone to find me. Fuck! I NEED to ctb on the next chance I get. What about you? What's your method?

 

[Alan James]

So do I. I am an imbecile, my cognitive abilities are completely destroyed, my brain has been damaged by mental disorders and drugs. I cann't do anything right, even sleep, eat and go to the supermarket. And I am a rare coward, I am so much afraid of physical pain that I cann't donate blood. For me CTB it's like rocket science. If I don't do it, I'll probably die of hunger anyway - this is the only way that is available to me and maybe I don't have to do anything as it happens in any case.

 

[AloneInTheSky]

I'm sorry to hear that you are suffering from these thoughts. It's okay, SI is very very strong and hard to get past, as much as your mind wants to die your body is really just more of an animal and when it faces death it gets scared. As @cantdecide and @Apostle said, you're being too harsh on yourself. I've failed at many attempts and have felt the same way before. As difficult as it can be, try to find some positivity in this. You have more options now, more choices. Your time to CTB will come if you truly want it to, it will just take a bit more time, there's always another bus.

 

[seekingoblivion]

Don't be so hard on yourself. Suicide and overcoming survival instinct are very difficult.

You're right. It's so fucking difficult. People who call suicide a cowardly act have no clue. I still feel I'm pathetic though. At this point I don't know how else to see myself. Thank you for your response.

can'tdecide is right. I'm sorry about the attempt, and what you're experiencing, and I hope you get through it soon, in one way or another. But, this forum wouldn't even exist if this stuff was easy. I understand being upset that the attempt didn't work out and that you're suffering, but you don't have any reason to be upset with yourself. We're all struggling hard with this, many of us in the same areas as you. It's hard. This site is bursting with evidence of that, and it's painful, and it's frustrating, but it's no one's fault.

Thank you for commenting. It's true that it's very difficult to actually go through with ctb. I'm just finding it very difficult not to take this as another of my personal failures. I really just want out of this life

Same here. Shit.
Literally had a great chance and didn't do it. I have another chance Thursday afternoon or another chance next Tuesday at night again. Tuesday at night is best. During the day might be a chance for someone to find me. Fuck! I NEED to ctb on the next chance I get. What about you? What's your method?

Yes I feel like I NEED to as well. I wanted to try again tomorrow but I realized it's going to be someone's birthday and I don't want them remember my death everytime their birthday rolls around. And I realized I almost did it the day after someone else's birthday. I'm hating myself for that right now.

I tried to do it with a belt tied to a door handle. It's incredible to me now how anyone has ever managed to die like that.

 

[cappuccinogirl]

Feel for you. In same position. Thats why everyone wants to die in sleep. What methods are you trying. ? Hugs

 

[seekingoblivion]

Feel for you. In same position. Thats why everyone wants to die in sleep. What methods are you trying. ? Hugs

Yeah I imagine if there was an international button that could end people's existence it would be worn out by now. I tried with a belt on a door handle. Thank you for your response.

 

[SomebodyBroken]

As difficult as it can be, try to find some positivity in this. You have more options now, more choices. Your time to CTB will come if you truly want it to, it will just take a bit more time, there's always another bus.

I think a little differently - if you don't get any method, then fewer options remain.
for example, I tried the suspension, overdose, dissection of the veins many times and nothing happened. there is an attempt to swim into the sea and go to the bottom, well, and a jump from 12+ floors
every unsuccessful attempt kills you a little, makes you feel terrible. (They also "delight" who say "you will achieve something in life." If I can't even do it, then what will I achieve, huh?)

 

[JadedGray]

I'm sorry your attempt didn't work as you had hoped. It's a horrible feeling when your attempt fails. Please don't be so hard on yourself as you're obviously going through enough as it is.