moonchild
Student
- May 8, 2020
- 125
Mostly need to vent, but some encouragement or perspective would be much appreciated.
I was prepared to ctb last week. Everything is ready, except me apparently. I can't tell what it is, delusional hope maybe. Most of all it just feels so deeply unfair that I have to die, just because the circumstances around be are bad, if that makes sense?
So yeah, now I've been contemplating asking my parents for help, even if we don't have the best relationship. I royally fucked up this whole semester, have taken 0 credits. I can only afford one more rent. I have no income and nothing lined up. I KNOW it could be a lot worse. I'm almost certain my dad would be willing to pay my rent until I manage to get myself on benefits or something, so I'm not going to end up on the streets.
But I feel so deeply ashamed. And I'm so scared. There's so much adult stuff I need to do on my own, like sort out benefits, apply for jobs, seek some professional help again so they can say I'm too unstable to work (and maybe actually help me but I don't know). I think I'm going to try submitting my bachelor's thesis on time (in two weeks). It won't make a whole lot of difference, but I think I'd feel better about myself if I manage.
All this requires asking for help and showing myself vulnerable and being in contact with different types of government people, all of which are things I absolutely hate. And I've spent the last six months just lying in bed, I'm not a functional adult. I'm scared I won't be able to hold on to this tiny glimmer of hope, that it's just temporary and that next week I'll be back to planning the date. I have no idea what I'm doing. I bought my SN in January. I thought I'd be dead by now. And now I'm thinking maybe I could last the summer at least. But I'm so exhausted. It was easier when I was certain I'd ctb soon, now I just feel stuck in limbo not even knowing what I want. And I'm scared there's not enough fight left in me to pull through and sort my life out, even if part of me kind of wants to. Or worse, I put in all the effort and it ends up shit anyway.
I keep thinking that as long as I have my SN I could go at anytime, so why not try? Which is true I guess, but it also makes me feel like, why even put myself through all this when I have a better, easier and quicker option right here?
I was prepared to ctb last week. Everything is ready, except me apparently. I can't tell what it is, delusional hope maybe. Most of all it just feels so deeply unfair that I have to die, just because the circumstances around be are bad, if that makes sense?
So yeah, now I've been contemplating asking my parents for help, even if we don't have the best relationship. I royally fucked up this whole semester, have taken 0 credits. I can only afford one more rent. I have no income and nothing lined up. I KNOW it could be a lot worse. I'm almost certain my dad would be willing to pay my rent until I manage to get myself on benefits or something, so I'm not going to end up on the streets.
But I feel so deeply ashamed. And I'm so scared. There's so much adult stuff I need to do on my own, like sort out benefits, apply for jobs, seek some professional help again so they can say I'm too unstable to work (and maybe actually help me but I don't know). I think I'm going to try submitting my bachelor's thesis on time (in two weeks). It won't make a whole lot of difference, but I think I'd feel better about myself if I manage.
All this requires asking for help and showing myself vulnerable and being in contact with different types of government people, all of which are things I absolutely hate. And I've spent the last six months just lying in bed, I'm not a functional adult. I'm scared I won't be able to hold on to this tiny glimmer of hope, that it's just temporary and that next week I'll be back to planning the date. I have no idea what I'm doing. I bought my SN in January. I thought I'd be dead by now. And now I'm thinking maybe I could last the summer at least. But I'm so exhausted. It was easier when I was certain I'd ctb soon, now I just feel stuck in limbo not even knowing what I want. And I'm scared there's not enough fight left in me to pull through and sort my life out, even if part of me kind of wants to. Or worse, I put in all the effort and it ends up shit anyway.
I keep thinking that as long as I have my SN I could go at anytime, so why not try? Which is true I guess, but it also makes me feel like, why even put myself through all this when I have a better, easier and quicker option right here?