I’m so fucked up

[Snowx88]

Some old guy today at work was having a heart attack and died practically right in front of me as I was going to use the bathroom . The emt came tried to revive him but it was too late and they had to put him on ventilator in hospital , since he can't breathe on his own anymore I'm guessing from brain damage. As everyone around was so sad, frightened and some crying. I was the only one with a straight face as he was dieing as I watched him the whole time I was wishing it were me who was having the heart attack and I remember feeling so jealous in a way but also not because there were people trying to save him and they turned him into a vegetable. Am I fucked up for thinking that? I get death/suicide envy so much ever since I wanted to ctb. Anyone else feel this way.

 

[ThriveOrDie]

Yes, I'm jealy

 

[calendulo]

No, I am not.
Anybody else's bad luck does not make me happy.

 

[Rex2019]

Some old guy today at work was having a heart attack and died practically right in front of me as I was going to use the bathroom . The emt came tried to revive him but it was too late and they had to put him on ventilator in hospital , since he can't breathe on his own anymore I'm guessing from brain damage. As everyone around was so sad, frightened and some crying. I was the only one with a straight face as he was dieing as I watched him the whole time I was wishing it were me who was having the heart attack and I remember feeling so jealous in a way but also not because there were people trying to save him and they turned him into a vegetable. Am I fucked up for thinking that? I get death/suicide envy so much ever since I wanted to ctb. Anyone else feel this way.

No you aren't alone.
I read the news and people are dying left and right around me- car accident, getting shot blah blah. I keep wishing it was me. But it's like a huge cosmic joke. Those who seem to have a great life die and people like me who are the living dead never die. If there is a God then maybe the god of the abrahamic religions is real. Only he would be this sadistic.

 

[Shamana]

Some old guy today at work was having a heart attack and died practically right in front of me as I was going to use the bathroom . The emt came tried to revive him but it was too late and they had to put him on ventilator in hospital , since he can't breathe on his own anymore I'm guessing from brain damage. As everyone around was so sad, frightened and some crying. I was the only one with a straight face as he was dieing as I watched him the whole time I was wishing it were me who was having the heart attack and I remember feeling so jealous in a way but also not because there were people trying to save him and they turned him into a vegetable. Am I fucked up for thinking that? I get death/suicide envy so much ever since I wanted to ctb. Anyone else feel this way.

No it's quite normal when you have a death wish. I'm secretely hoping that I will have a heart attack everyday.

 

[dramaqueen]

No, I am not.
Anybody else's bad luck does not make me happy.

Well. Thats not like if i envy i feel happy cause he had bad luck i feel kinda sad that he who wish to live had a heart attack but not me who really desires that. So envying i feel sad and not happy at all.

 

[oxymoron]

No it's quite normal when you have a death wish. I'm secretely hoping that I will have a heart attack everyday.

Ain't that easy to die. This is all I keep wishing for since the last 10 months or so. I freaking just wake up each day. Before sleep that's all I ask from my life. May this be my final sleep. But no. I wake up each day.

 

[Marz]

I think I'd feel bad in your position, but I also have those fucked up intrusive thoughts at times, when people tell me about loved ones that killed themselves, I immediately think of asking them how they did it to see if I can do the same method. I never say it out loud, of course.
I witnessed an accident years ago where a man crashed with his bike and we were the only people in that area. I ran away and I still wonder if he died that day- he wasn't moving from where lay on the pavement. I felt bad for not helping for some years but then I just realized I wouldn't be of help. I'm not a doctor or paramedic.

 

[LifeOver]

I feel the same way as you. It's so unfair that some people who don't want to die succeed by accident and here we are doing all this research and making all this effort, yet quite a few people screw up their attempts.

 

[Sunset Limited]

That's why I always say suicide should be legalized. Why should my organs rot in the grave when it can give life to many who want to live?

 

[justanotherday]

Some old guy today at work was having a heart attack and died practically right in front of me as I was going to use the bathroom . The emt came tried to revive him but it was too late and they had to put him on ventilator in hospital , since he can't breathe on his own anymore I'm guessing from brain damage. As everyone around was so sad, frightened and some crying. I was the only one with a straight face as he was dieing as I watched him the whole time I was wishing it were me who was having the heart attack and I remember feeling so jealous in a way but also not because there were people trying to save him and they turned him into a vegetable. Am I fucked up for thinking that? I get death/suicide envy so much ever since I wanted to ctb. Anyone else feel this way.

I get it.... You wish it was you and not he old man.... I totally understand and would feel the same way.

 

[Umbra]

You aren't fucked up just because you didn't react like everyone else.