I'm so frustrated. Is there no way out? Please help me.

[justwannadie]

I have tinnitus. A constant ringing in the ears. I'm only 19. I just want to die. It's all I want. I tried to kill myself by overdosing on blood pressure medication 2 years ago but I failed. I only went to the hospital and they didn't even pump my stomach. I didn't die, nothing happened, besides hallucinations and dizziness and a slowed heart rate, but not slow enough to die. Why can't I die? I'll do anything to die. But I can't. I could scream.

I can't hang myself. I can't after reading those news articles about the people who tried hanging themselves and survived and got locked-in syndrome. Being locked in my own body, unable to speak, unable to move, with the constant, loud ringing in my ears, would literally be hell. It would be torture. It would be the worst hell possible.

I'm out of options. The post I made a couple days ago about the 20 story building, I went there today, the door to the roof is locked. It wasn't locked a few months ago. They just started locking it. I was so upset. I want to jump. It's the method I feel most assured about. I only feel comfortable jumping from 15+ stories, and onto concrete, no bridges. There are hotels. I'm in another country right now, but I'm from America. In America, I can't book a lot of hotels because I'm only 19. The hotels I can book, I need a credit card in my own name. I think my parents are suspicious and they're cancelling my authorized user card, so by the time I get there, I won't have it. Here in this country where I am now visiting relatives, you can book a hotel with cash, under 21. But there aren't a lot of tall hotels. One is more than 15 stories but the windows only open half-way. I'm not sure if I can fit through. I think I can, but the space looks so narrow in the photos on google maps. The other hotel, the windows open all the way, only one side is over concrete. The other sides are over grass. And it's 500 dollars. I can't waste my parents' money on something that might not even work. What do I do? Seriously? I want to scream. Someone help me. Give me advice. I need a way out. I've suffered for so long. I've had this disease for 3 years, but it feels like longer. I can't sleep at nights. I throw up from the anxiety sometimes. I've been to so many psychiatrists and therapists. Someone help me. How can I kill myself?

I have poison. Cerbera odollam. I have 10 seeds. But the mortality rate (I've done so much research on methods) is only 16%. It causes a lot of vomiting, so according to medical reports, people who actually took half a seed were more likely to die than those who took like 2 seeds, because they vomited less. But the people who took just 1 seed also survived quite a lot. So I don't know if I should take all 10, or just 1, or just half. I also have Reglan I got from the pharmacy. It's available otc here. So I could take that, and then take the poison so I don't throw it up... What do I do? How do I kill myself? I really want to jump. But I don't know where from and I don't know how to escape from this pain.

 

[BurningLights]

Unfortunately we are not here to tell you how to kill yourself, we can only advise and guide you to the best option of YOUR choosing.

Tinnitus is fucking horrible, I have it, luckily it does subside at times, but during acute benzo withdrawal I couldn't even hear because of it. It truly is a hell in itself, and very outgoing have my sympathies.

It seems you've reached almost a stalemate situation, there plenty of other viable options out there, but it's down to you to decide how you want to die. this is the last decision we make, and should be only our OWN decision.

Have a look at the resources thread, there is slot on there (a lot of reading as well)
I understand you have researched this for a long time, but maybe your missing something? Sometimes the the right door is only shown to us at a certain time.

I hope you find a solution to your suffering.
Peace love and hugs.

 

[justwannadie]

Unfortunately we are not here to tell you how to kill yourself, we can only advise and guide you to the best option of YOUR choosing.

Tinnitus is fucking horrible, I have it, luckily it does subside at times, but during acute benzo withdrawal I couldn't even hear because of it. It truly is a hell in itself, and very outgoing have my sympathies.

It seems you've reached almost a stalemate situation, there plenty of other viable options out there, but it's down to you to decide how you want to die. this is the last decision we make, and should be only our OWN decision.

Have a look at the resources thread, there is slot on there (a lot of reading as well)
I understand you have researched this for a long time, but maybe your missing something? Sometimes the the right door is only shown to us at a certain time.

I hope you find a solution to your suffering.
Peace love and hugs.

Thanks for the kind words. I was set on hanging. I thought that would be such an easy way out. But then I read about the risk of locked-in syndrome. If I didn't have tinnitus, it wouldn't be such a horrible fear. But because of the tinnitus, hanging seems like such a scary option. Because I'm afraid I'll be found. So my only methods are pretty much jumping, the poison, and... stabbing myself I guess. I'm even willing to do that if it'd work but after doing research, you figure out how resilient the human body is, and it's so frustrating how much damage your body can suffer and endure, but not succumb from.

 

[Rollo]

Train or cliff.

 

[justwannadie]

Train or cliff.

No nearby cliffs unfortunately. I did do a lot of research trying to find one. Neither here or in my state back at home. Train is possible but there's too big a risk of surviving. I read once that 1 in 3 people survive attempts by train. But thank you.

 

[interestingname]

You said you live in the us, could you buy a gun?

 

[justwannadie]

You said you live in the us, could you buy a gun?

In my state, you have to be at least 21, unfortunately. And I can't wait that long. I can't wait another year.

 

[BurningLights]

What are the actual chances of being found? If you have a window of even an hour then death is a sure thing. I understand your concerns, being 'locked in' is truly terrifying.
You can get hung up on the failures and the scare stories, with anything, the bad seems to out weigh the good.
Look at benzo withdrawal, all you will see is horror stories, because for the people who succeed, they just get on with it and don't report back, the ones that suffer for a long time are the ones to keep posting.
Same for suicide I think, when it works, families and friends get on with the next steps, they are too concerned with funeral etc. I.mean, with the society we live in, who is going to actually post 'hanging is amazing, my (insert relation here) Managed to CTB this way' truth is, horror stories win over success stories.

With exception of cyanide this chart states that without violently ending your life (gun, explosive etc) that hanging is the next best thing.
http://lostallhope.com/suicide-methods/statistics-most-lethal-methods

Truth is, no method is 100% successful. There is risks to everything. I've heard of people blowing their faces off with a shotgun and surviving.
This is the risks we take in wanting to end our lives.

 

[iHeartRockArt]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with tinnitus. I have it too, (since I was 16 and I'm 39 now) it's very annoying, and I always have to have a fan on. I sleep with a sound machine at night, I like the rain option, so it's a constant, soothing noise where I can pretty well ignore the ringing for the most part. There are times, if our power goes out...nothing is on so it's pure hell until it comes back. Is there something you could do to help muffle the ringing, like I mentioned? Have you tried using a fan, or something with a soothing sound to listen to? I'm sorry I don't have any different advice as far as options or methods go...other than what people have already said. It's totally your choice but I feel for you, and I hope maybe you could find something to focus on until you figure things out. I hope you find some peace, I'm here for you and understand completely.

 

[justwannadie]

What are the actual chances of being found? If you have a window of even an hour then death is a sure thing. I understand your concerns, being 'locked in' is truly terrifying.
You can get hung up on the failures and the scare stories, with anything, the bad seems to out weigh the good.
Look at benzo withdrawal, all you will see is horror stories, because for the people who succeed, they just get on with it and don't report back, the ones that suffer for a long time are the ones to keep posting.
Same for suicide I think, when it works, families and friends get on with the next steps, they are too concerned with funeral etc. I.mean, with the society we live in, who is going to actually post 'hanging is amazing, my (insert relation here) Managed to CTB this way' truth is, horror stories win over success stories.

With exception of cyanide this chart states that without violently ending your life (gun, explosive etc) that hanging is the next best thing.
http://lostallhope.com/suicide-methods/statistics-most-lethal-methods

Truth is, no method is 100% successful. There is risks to everything. I've heard of people blowing their faces off with a shotgun and surviving.
This is the risks we take in wanting to end our lives.

Yeah, that's true. I did read a lot of news articles about people who had hung themselves, but the failures have stuck in my mind. Especially the one about the man who was found 20 minutes after, in a forest, and still managed to survive. When his mom asks him if he still wants to die, he blinks twice for yes. I can't imagine being stuck in my body with the ringing. The method I feel the safest about is jumping, but the struggle is finding a place to jump. I wish this was easy. I really do. I don't think I have an hour alone. I fear that even if I booked a motel and paid with cash so the police couldn't track me, the staff might force their way in. I've read about that happening before in cases where the staff suspected a guest was suicidal. So many scary scenarios going through my mind.

 

[justwannadie]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with tinnitus. I have it too, (since I was 16 and I'm 39 now) it's very annoying, and I always have to have a fan on. I sleep with a sound machine at night, I like the rain option, so it's a constant, soothing noise where I can pretty well ignore the ringing for the most part. There are times, if our power goes out...nothing is on so it's pure hell until it comes back. Is there something you could do to help muffle the ringing, like I mentioned? Have you tried using a fan, or something with a soothing sound to listen to? I'm sorry I don't have any different advice as far as options or methods go...other than what people have already said. It's totally your choice but I feel for you, and I hope maybe you could find something to focus on until you figure things out. I hope you find some peace, I'm here for you and understand completely.

Thank you :) I do have a white noise machine. And I open up ambient noise videos on youtube with rain/thunder/wave sounds when it's very loud. But I know it's just going to get louder because I'm only 19 and it's gotten louder every year so far. And it's already so loud :/

 

[Rollo]

Train is possible but there's too big a risk of surviving. I read once that 1 in 3 people survive attempts by train. But thank you.

I think 1 in 3 is more like the survival rate of people getting hit by train general. At least judging from the news. If I do it I would either run head first into a very fast one or look for a slow moving one and place my neck on the rail as wheels are passing, just in case locomotive has a fender. Don't think there's much room for survival here.

 

[iHeartRockArt]

Thank you :) I do have a white noise machine. And I open up ambient noise videos on youtube with rain/thunder/wave sounds when it's very loud. But I know it's just going to get louder because I'm only 19 and it's gotten louder every year so far. And it's already so loud :/

I am so sorry. Mines just a bit louder than when it first started. Have you been to an ENT or other doctor? Do they have any advice? Sorry, I'm not trying to talk you out of anything or sway your thoughts away from your plan, just hate that you're so young, and if this is what's making you want to CTB...maybe something could help?

 

[justwannadie]

I am so sorry. Mines just a bit louder than when it first started. Have you been to an ENT or other doctor? Do they have any advice? Sorry, I'm not trying to talk you out of anything or sway your thoughts away from your plan, just hate that you're so young, and if this is what's making you want to CTB...maybe something could help?

Thank you. I did go to an ENT. I went to about 6 doctors in total :(

 

[BurningLights]

Yeah, that's true. I did read a lot of news articles about people who had hung themselves, but the failures have stuck in my mind. Especially the one about the man who was found 20 minutes after, in a forest, and still managed to survive. When his mom asks him if he still wants to die, he blinks twice for yes. I can't imagine being stuck in my body with the ringing. The method I feel the safest about is jumping, but the struggle is finding a place to jump. I wish this was easy. I really do. I don't think I have an hour alone. I fear that even if I booked a motel and paid with cash so the police couldn't track me, the staff might force their way in. I've read about that happening before in cases where the staff suspected a guest was suicidal. So many scary scenarios going through my mind.

We all wish it was easy! You're certainly not alone in that thinking.
Its easy to get hung up on the negatives, I'm sure it's a subconcious survival instinct.
That is scary to think that staff could intervene, I think you would have to show very obviously that your planning to CTB for them to intervene though. We (humans) are very good at fixating on one thing in particular. For me it was believing that I could travel the astral plains forever, I got so fixated on that that I lost sight on why I actually wanted to CTB.
is tinnitus the only reason for you wanting to CTB?

 

[justwannadie]

We all wish it was easy! You're certainly not alone in that thinking.
Its easy to get hung up on the negatives, I'm sure it's a subconcious survival instinct.
That is scary to think that staff could intervene, I think you would have to show very obviously that your planning to CTB for them to intervene though. We (humans) are very good at fixating on one thing in particular. For me it was believing that I could travel the astral plains forever, I got so fixated on that that I lost sight on why I actually wanted to CTB.
is tinnitus the only reason for you wanting to CTB?

Astral planes; as in astral projection? Always wondered if that phenomenon was the real thing or a hallucination.

Yeah, tinnitus is the only reason I want to ctb. Would do anything to not have this.

 

[Jenna]

It's one of the reasons I'm looking for this too. I am also tapering benzodiazepines which is what caused this. I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. It's so hard when you want to find a way and it's not as easy as it looks.

 

[BurningLights]

Astral planes; as in astral projection? Always wondered if that phenomenon was the real thing or a hallucination.

Yeah, tinnitus is the only reason I want to ctb. Would do anything to not have this.

If you go though my post you will understand my thinking? Looking back on it, I think it's quite interesting. However I came to the conclusion that it just ain't gonna happen for me.
Like @iHeartRockArt said, it would be shame for someone so young to go because of this. Again like rockart I don't wanna preach pro life. It does seem a shame though. But if your sure you have explored every avenue, then I fully respect your decision. When it comes to suicide, Only we ourselves can decide wether we live or die.

 

[iHeartRockArt]

If you go though my post you will understand my thinking? Looking back on it, I think it's quite interesting. However I came to the conclusion that it just ain't gonna happen for me.
Like @iHeartRockArt said, it would be shame for someone so young to go because of this. Again like rockart I don't wanna preach pro life. It does seem a shame though. But if your sure you have explored every avenue, then I fully respect your decision. When it comes to suicide, Only we ourselves can decide wether we live or die.

Absolutely agree 100%. Well said @BurningLights.

 

[BurningLights]

Absolutely agree 100%. Well said @BurningLights.

Thank you @iHeartRockArt

 

[Jenna]

Thank you @iHeartRockArt

I whole heartily agree with this too. So well said.

 

[Jodes]

The roof being locked would be a major trigger for me. Find your security again.

 

[Lifeisatrap]

Since you have reglan have you considered sodium nitrite? All you would need to get along with that is tagamet and maybe a few pills of ibiprofen to stave off pain, and you'd be all set. What country are you in where you were able to attain reglan so easily? You don't have to answer, just curious.

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

I have tinnitus. You can listen to something else instead of it and it will bother you less. Being anxious about it worsens it. Eat differently. Take herbs and nutritional supplements. Forgive me if you can't do these things. I used to worry I would grow deaf because of it. I've grown used to it.

 

[BurningLights]

I whole heartily agree with this too. So well said.

 

[BurningLights]

How are you feeling now @justwannadie?

 

[justwannadie]

How are you feeling now @justwannadie?

Thanks for asking! Still bad from the tinnitus, but I'm actually kind of calm now telling myself that if all else doesn't work out, I can just take the poison. I still want to jump but if I can't find any way to do that, I have that... It's funny how fear of acting it out works, because I've overdosed before, the idea of taking the poison and going through that pain is scary, but a lot less scary since I've experienced it somewhat. But I know the poison will be a lot more painful than blood pressure medication. But I'm more worried about the way the Reglan will feel actually haha. I read a lot of negative reviews where people were describing how it made them restless and panicked and depressed etc. Wouldn't like my last moments to be like that. But if I can't jump, that's what I'll do. Beggars can't be choosers I guess. I'm also calmer because I've complained to my family a bit and they listened. How are you feeling?

 

[justwannadie]

The roof being locked would be a major trigger for me. Find your security again.

It was. I was so upset. I was literally repeating "no no no, please. Please don't be locked" under my breath and I kept trying to lean against the door and push it open even though I knew it was futile. I could see the roof and hear the wind through the slats in the door. It was so frustrating! I even tried to stick my fingers through the slats.

 

[Sinbad]

It was. I was so upset. I was literally repeating "no no no, please. Please don't be locked" under my breath and I kept trying to lean against the door and push it open even though I knew it was futile. I could see the roof and hear the wind through the slats in the door. It was so frustrating! I even tried to stick my fingers through the slats.

What about asking an employee there to open it up for you. You just want to take a picture, right? ;)

 

[Strumgewehr]

I have tinnitus. A constant ringing in the ears. I'm only 19. I just want to die. It's all I want. I tried to kill myself by overdosing on blood pressure medication 2 years ago but I failed. I only went to the hospital and they didn't even pump my stomach. I didn't die, nothing happened, besides hallucinations and dizziness and a slowed heart rate, but not slow enough to die. Why can't I die? I'll do anything to die. But I can't. I could scream.

I can't hang myself. I can't after reading those news articles about the people who tried hanging themselves and survived and got locked-in syndrome. Being locked in my own body, unable to speak, unable to move, with the constant, loud ringing in my ears, would literally be hell. It would be torture. It would be the worst hell possible.

I'm out of options. The post I made a couple days ago about the 20 story building, I went there today, the door to the roof is locked. It wasn't locked a few months ago. They just started locking it. I was so upset. I want to jump. It's the method I feel most assured about. I only feel comfortable jumping from 15+ stories, and onto concrete, no bridges. There are hotels. I'm in another country right now, but I'm from America. In America, I can't book a lot of hotels because I'm only 19. The hotels I can book, I need a credit card in my own name. I think my parents are suspicious and they're cancelling my authorized user card, so by the time I get there, I won't have it. Here in this country where I am now visiting relatives, you can book a hotel with cash, under 21. But there aren't a lot of tall hotels. One is more than 15 stories but the windows only open half-way. I'm not sure if I can fit through. I think I can, but the space looks so narrow in the photos on google maps. The other hotel, the windows open all the way, only one side is over concrete. The other sides are over grass. And it's 500 dollars. I can't waste my parents' money on something that might not even work. What do I do? Seriously? I want to scream. Someone help me. Give me advice. I need a way out. I've suffered for so long. I've had this disease for 3 years, but it feels like longer. I can't sleep at nights. I throw up from the anxiety sometimes. I've been to so many psychiatrists and therapists. Someone help me. How can I kill myself?

I have poison. Cerbera odollam. I have 10 seeds. But the mortality rate (I've done so much research on methods) is only 16%. It causes a lot of vomiting, so according to medical reports, people who actually took half a seed were more likely to die than those who took like 2 seeds, because they vomited less. But the people who took just 1 seed also survived quite a lot. So I don't know if I should take all 10, or just 1, or just half. I also have Reglan I got from the pharmacy. It's available otc here. So I could take that, and then take the poison so I don't throw it up... What do I do? How do I kill myself? I really want to jump. But I don't know where from and I don't know how to escape from this pain.

I have tinnitus too, not superloud but I can hear it most of the time. I have eyes floaters as well. It's similar to tinnitus but for eyes. You see random drops of liquid floating in your field of vision wherever you look. I can't understand how any of the two can be bigger of a problem than a minor annoyance. Maybe you focus too much on it. Do not fight it, accept it. With the white noise machine your are just hiding from it. Rather do the opposite. Listen to the same frequency sound that your tinnitus is, though the headphones everyday for five minutes.Don't run or hide from the tinnitus. Face it and accept it. The furthur you run from it, the more it will chase you. But once you accept it, and let it live by your side, your subconscious brain will gradually learn to ignore it. Just as you don't ever feel your cloths sticking to your skin. If you were to force a caveman to wear jeans he wouldn't be able to handle the rattling and itching he'd rip the cloths in seconds. But not you because your brain has learnt to ignore the inconvienence.

PS: Take care of your hearing and sorry for my english.