This time about 3 and a 1/2 weeks ago I was on the edge of a parking structure about to jump. I was pulled off by a stranger from behind when I was distracted by the police making sure they didn't come too close. All I can think about is going back but I've since moved away and it's thousands of miles away. I could go back but I'm in Europe now and the location was in the USA and I only have health insurance there till the end of the year. I want to die there though it just feels right. It was my home and where I want to die but if I can't go through with it I could end up bankrupt if I am hospitalized for a long time with no insurance. I feel like I need to even though I'm sure there are places where I am now I could jump from for some reason it has to be there. I know many people here say jumping height should be much higher (it's only 7 stories) but I've read so many news articles on people jumping from similar heights and dying.
I've OD'd countless times and been close to dying. I've been in countless comas, on life support twice apparently in critical condition and they didn't think I'd make it but pills are not an option anymore. I can barely even swallow them without throwing up. My body just knows it's being poisoned. I think I'd even throw up SN. I've tried partial hanging and passed out but I am too scared for full and I hate the feeling of passing out. I'm prone to fainting anyway and so that feeling has become a fear of mine. I wake up everyday feeling like I'm dying from anxiety and I just can't do it anymore. I'm thinking of drinking alcohol and taking xanax and propranolol so even if the fear of jumping is too much I will just fall off. Even if I throw up most of it from past experience of ODs I will absorb enough to faint. Is that ridiculous? I know when I've OD'd on xanax and propranolol in the past I've always fallen unconscious and fell hard (hard enough to have a collapsed lung once) but what if I fall the wrong way towards the roof rather than off? If I am considering taking pills to "jump" does that mean jumping isn't for me?
I've OD'd countless times and been close to dying. I've been in countless comas, on life support twice apparently in critical condition and they didn't think I'd make it but pills are not an option anymore. I can barely even swallow them without throwing up. My body just knows it's being poisoned. I think I'd even throw up SN. I've tried partial hanging and passed out but I am too scared for full and I hate the feeling of passing out. I'm prone to fainting anyway and so that feeling has become a fear of mine. I wake up everyday feeling like I'm dying from anxiety and I just can't do it anymore. I'm thinking of drinking alcohol and taking xanax and propranolol so even if the fear of jumping is too much I will just fall off. Even if I throw up most of it from past experience of ODs I will absorb enough to faint. Is that ridiculous? I know when I've OD'd on xanax and propranolol in the past I've always fallen unconscious and fell hard (hard enough to have a collapsed lung once) but what if I fall the wrong way towards the roof rather than off? If I am considering taking pills to "jump" does that mean jumping isn't for me?
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