-Toplox-

-Toplox-

Member
Nov 25, 2018
51
I'm really scared to die but I know it's the right thing to do. I believe that some people have a purpose and I believe that some people do not have a purpose and are not meant to be alive. I've never fit in anywhere. Never really felt true joy or love. I feel like if I can just follow through and end my existence then things will sort of smooth out for my family. I don't think they are capable of seeing the benefits of me dying but I know that their lives will get better. I wish I could help them understand that. I'm so close.
 
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T

testingthis101010

Member
Feb 10, 2021
20
Afraid as well. I am an old member of this website and I've talked to people that are gone today. I've spent the last moments with severalrandom friends that ended up doing it for real. I've had my N ready and at the last minute threw it right before midnight of that night of 20 Dec 2016. Why did I do that? I was alone, I took the time to prepare everything 50ml of water, 15g of powdered N, antiemetics, fasting for 10 hours prior. And I just couldn't calm down I just couldn't sit on that bed and drink it. I felt alone and thought I will be alone for eternity (Yes I know that it is not true, but my survival instincts kicked off at that time and I just decided that I won't do it. I regret it. I deeply regret it. How did I spend these 4 years? did things improve? Well not really. I am still suffering from depression and a feeling of emptiness, I am still thinking about suicide and I am still trying to convince myself that there is no way out. There is no happy ending, the only thing that's waiting for me is more misery and more pain. Anyways, that moment will come, the moment I am finally free, the moment I am back to where I really belong.
 
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W

WornOutLife

マット
Mar 22, 2020
7,164
I'm sorry to hear you're so close to leaving this world but at the same time, I want you to be at peace.

As for people's purposes, I think we're the ones who give life a meaning and purpose. If we decide to ctb, that was our purpose. Instead, if we decide to live on and try to find love, have children, etc, that will be our purpose. It's a very subjective thing.

Although I do understand that feeling of people being better without us in this world but, will they? Are we really such a bother for them?
 
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NodusTollens

NodusTollens

Nov 17, 2020
989
I don't think they are capable of seeing the benefits of me dying but I know that their lives will get better. I wish I could help them understand that
I don't know your story, but it made me sad to think that you believe your death would be a benefit to your family. HUGS.
 
Aloken

Aloken

I choose love
Jan 25, 2021
280
I'm sorry you feel this way.. It's not nice to feel that your family will be better off without you. If I may just say that, in my opinion, it's not okay to decide for others. You can't possibly know for a fact that your family will be better without you and you can't be controlling towards them..I mean, you can't force them to lose you because you think you know better than them.. I've been to the receiving end of this, I've received a controlling behavior and it wasn't nice. The person had the greatest intentions in the world, but he thought he knew better than me.. What I mean is, please don't ctb for others.. If you ever decide to do this, do this for you and only for you.. I hope you find what you're truly looking for
 
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blue_muse

blue_muse

Mage
Jan 31, 2021
552
Totally get your dilemma Toplox, get the impression you're at a crossroads between duty and liberty. Depending on how each day is for you, perhaps on a good one, ask yourself the following questions:
  1. Is the love of my family truly enough to help me navigate through life?
  2. How much am I committed to ending my life?
Everyone's pain is unique, there's no "one size fits all" approach :heart:.
 
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C

cappuccinogirl

Experienced
Aug 11, 2018
245
I feel for you. I'm trying to get it done with now. I can't fix physical problem can't take anymore . Need desperately to get it done
 
T

the_final_countdown

Specialist
Dec 29, 2020
337
I feel for you. I'm trying to get it done with now. I can't fix physical problem can't take anymore . Need desperately to get it done
Physical problems, like health problems?
 
M

mifinal

New Member
Feb 15, 2021
4
me siento igual que tu,la familia y el sentimiento de que les voy a hacer daño y que sera de mis padres cuando no puedan valerse por si mismos,me hacen seguir aqui, aunque cada dia y a cada rato mi linea de pensamiento es el suicidio ,y comparto tu opinion ,nunca he tenido un proposito real, como parece ser que tienen los demas, desde pequeña e sentido ese vacio y bueno me han pasado cosas dificiles y sigo luchando con ellas, y aunque aparentemente deberian estar superadas y aparentemente deberia tener ganas de vivir ,mi realidad es que miro los edificios continuamente pensando cual es mejor para saltar , ademas hace 6 meses me han diagnosticado con tlp ,y no hay cura,he abusado y tomado correctamente de los lexatines y los trankimazines y de la sertrolina y dogmatil y sigo sin ser feliz, tengo 30 años,estoy ahorrando para dejarles un dinero al menos a mi familia,ademas de que pedire un credito ,ya que tengo entendido que el seguro de vida no lo cobra tu familia por suicidio,no tengo hijos nunca los he querido, y mi novio es muy bueno,sabe que me autolesiono y me intenta ayudar, no le gusta que hable del suicidio,pero como explicarle al mundo que yo no eleji vivir, que no eleji crear lazos y que se apreciar los momentos buenos,pero son mas intensos y crueles y demoniacos mis momentos internos.Gracias a cualquiera que me este leyendo por que me siento cada vez mas cerca de abandonar este mundo.el cual no quiero volver ni como piedra ni perro ni humano ni nada.mi mayor deseo es desconectar del todo y de la nada.ni como polvo del cosmos.
 
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