Venting I’m so angry towards myself

[l0sing]

My entire life I've been dealt shit. My father physically abused me, my mother emotionally abused me. My first boyfriend sexually abused me and my second physically and mentally abused me. When I met my most recent I was an absolutely broken women and he helped me so much, we started a family and then he fucked up but I forgave him. My mental health just kept getting worse no matter what I did, medication and therapy 3 times, to the point where he couldn't handle me anymore and has left.

My vent is though how can you just walk away from someone who gave their entire life to you, how can you leave your child, how can you see me in this pain and just go. He's seen how bad I am right now and still just leaves me.

Why am I not good enough?

The only way I see to end this pain is to ctb.

 

[summers]

My vent is though how can you just walk away from someone who gave their entire life to you, how can you leave your child, how can you see me in this pain and just go. He's seen how bad I am right now and still just leaves me.

Going to be honest with you. Walking away from family, especially family that stresses you out is much easier than most people think. You cross that state line, and it's like all your problems just disappear. I haven't seen or talked to most of my family in well over a year at this point. I don't miss them, I don't plan on seeing them again. It doesn't matter if it's siblings, parents, or kids - out of sight out of mind.

Not saying this is the right way to deal with things, or that I should be some kind of example. But this is the reality of the world.

 

[l0sing]

Going to be honest with you. Walking away from family, especially family that stresses you out is much easier than most people think. You cross that state line, and it's like all your problems just disappear. I haven't seen or talked to most of my family in well over a year at this point. I don't miss them, I don't plan on seeing them again. It doesn't matter if it's siblings, parents, or kids - out of sight out of mind.

Not saying this is the right way to deal with things, or that I should be some kind of example. But this is the reality of the world.

I appreciate the honesty. I understand the thought behind what it seems like selfishness of doing it so you're no longer stressed but it's the actions for me and the fact only the same day he was telling me he loved me and was all over me is what is making it all so worse. It's what's making me question was I just used and lied to this whole time which then leads to the "why am I not good enough"

I appreciate people looking after their own mental health but when you convince a woman to put her body through hell because it's what they "want" to then turn round and just say "oh nevermind", there becomes a lot of shit

 

[Unworthyoflove]

My entire life I've been dealt shit. My father physically abused me, my mother emotionally abused me. My first boyfriend sexually abused me and my second physically and mentally abused me. When I met my most recent I was an absolutely broken women and he helped me so much, we started a family and then he fucked up but I forgave him. My mental health just kept getting worse no matter what I did, medication and therapy 3 times, to the point where he couldn't handle me anymore and has left.

My vent is though how can you just walk away from someone who gave their entire life to you, how can you leave your child, how can you see me in this pain and just go. He's seen how bad I am right now and still just leaves me.

Why am I not good enough?

The only way I see to end this pain is to ctb.

I can understand you very much. why am I not good enough was the same question I asked the last guy who abandoned me. he even had found me after my last ctb intent, read my good bye letter and wrote on it(can you imagine) that theres people who are there for me and that I could also talk to him( after he dumped me) he still walked away. In my understanding they do this mainly, because they also want to protect themselves and some just arent empathic enough. we maybe should try to also understand that our partners mostly have no education or experience in handling psychological matters. lets be honest here, most of the therapist arent very skilled either. so sometimes they run away because they are overwhelmed, scared and very troubled . this is really not our fault. so what I did ( after letting my anger out and pass) I forgave him. I know how this must sound to you now. but it gave me a feeling of closure. our traumas are heavy to carry, thats a fact. therefore we shell find a partner who is strong and loving enough to carry this with us. and we carry theirs too. if one still wants that. if not, we can still ctb. thats something wonderful I learned from teal swan...this thought is always in the back of my mind. " you can always ctb tomorrow" now just live for the next minute, the next hour or the next day.dont think or plan to far in the future if thats stressfull. ctb will be always possible and there for you if you really need it. can really recommend her teachings. you can find them on youtube. if there isnt a thread already I might make on about her. hugs

 

[l0sing]

I can understand you very much. why am I not good enough was the same question I asked the last guy who abandoned me. he even had found me after my last ctb intent, read my good bye letter and wrote on it(can you imagine) that theres people who are there for me and that I could also talk to him( after he dumped me) he still walked away. In my understanding they do this mainly, because they also want to protect themselves and some just arent empathic enough. we maybe should try to also understand that our partners mostly have no education or experience in handling psychological matters. lets be honest here, most of the therapist arent very skilled either. so sometimes they run away because they are overwhelmed, scared and very troubled . this is really not our fault. so what I did ( after letting my anger out and pass) I forgave him. I know how this must sound to you now. but it gave me a feeling of closure. our traumas are heavy to carry, thats a fact. therefore we shell find a partner who is strong and loving enough to carry this with us. and we carry theirs too. if one still wants that. if not, we can still ctb. thats something wonderful I learned from teal swan...this thought is always in the back of my mind. " you can always ctb tomorrow" now just live for the next minute, the next hour or the next day.dont think or plan to far in the future if thats stressfull. ctb will be always possible and there for you if you really need it. can really recommend her teachings. you can find them on youtube. if there isnt a thread already I might make on about her. hugs

That's exactly it. He also keeps saying he still cares for me but only as the mother of his child and nothing else but I don't think he realises how painful it is for a mother to be left with all the pieces while he's free as a bird. It angers me of course, I do feel anger towards him as well but all the other feelings take over it. Just as simple as still being able to feel his hug or smell him. And then when his son cries for him it's horrible. Meanwhile he says hes "fine" and moved on within days even after telling me it would always take him months to get over me

 

[Rational man]

Forgive yourself because you didn't choose to be a victim. Your abusers made a choice. I was in a similar situation and i also forgive family who abused me. I made an escape plan and directed my life.

 

[l0sing]

Forgive yourself because you didn't choose to be a victim. Your abusers made a choice. I was in a similar situation and i also forgive family who abused me. I made an escape plan and directed my life.

It's so hard to see a way out when I'm stuck with his mini me. Don't get me wrong I love my child but it just makes it worse.

 

[Rational man]

It's so hard to see a way out when I'm stuck with his mini me. Don't get me wrong I love my child but it just makes it worse.

im probably older than you im 36 and dying. Trust me, no man is worth the.hassle.if its killing you ( im male ). So stop trying to please people and put you first. There you will find peace. It took me years of abuse to realise this but ive had several years of following what is right for me. You need a plan and consider support group when hes not there.Be kind to YOU❤

 

[l0sing]

im probably older than you im 36 and dying. Trust me, no man is worth the.hassle.if its killing you ( im male ). So stop trying to please people and put you first. There you will find peace. It took me years of abuse to realise this but ive had several years of following what is right for me. You need a plan and consider support group when hes not there.Be kind to YOU❤

I've never put myself first my entire life

But I do appreciate the kind words

 

[FuneralCry]

To me, some people really are so cruel and it's terrible the way that many people treat others. I'm sorry that you have had to endure so much in your life. None of us should have to suffer like that. I wish you relief from pain.

 

[l0sing]

To me, some people really are so cruel and it's terrible the way that many people treat others. I'm sorry that you have had to endure so much in your life. None of us should have to suffer like that. I wish you relief from pain.

I hope it comes soon x

 

[Unworthyoflove]

That's exactly it. He also keeps saying he still cares for me but only as the mother of his child and nothing else but I don't think he realises how painful it is for a mother to be left with all the pieces while he's free as a bird. It angers me of course, I do feel anger towards him as well but all the other feelings take over it. Just as simple as still being able to feel his hug or smell him. And then when his son cries for him it's horrible. Meanwhile he says hes "fine" and moved on within days even after telling me it would always take him months to get over me

its so devastating to see how someone can just move on like this, I know. seems like some people have the emotional deepness of a puddle ...its so unfair :( at least your son has you and you have him...you guys stick together and make the best out of it. you are a family. wish you the very best ! especially that you will soon find the right partner who is prepared to be loving and supportive .

 

[l0sing]

its so devastating to see how someone can just move on like this, I know. seems like some people have the emotional deepness of a puddle ...its so unfair :( at least your son has you and you have him...you guys stick together and make the best out of it. you are a family. wish you the very best ! especially that you will soon find the right partner who is prepared to be loving and supportive .

Thank you so much
Right now I don't see a future for myself at all. I've been in this place many times in my 30 years but this time something feels different, it's a lot stronger.

 

[summers]

I appreciate the honesty. I understand the thought behind what it seems like selfishness of doing it so you're no longer stressed but it's the actions for me and the fact only the same day he was telling me he loved me and was all over me is what is making it all so worse. It's what's making me question was I just used and lied to this whole time which then leads to the "why am I not good enough"

You really didn't know guys will lie and act affectionate to get laid?

I appreciate people looking after their own mental health but when you convince a woman to put her body through hell because it's what they "want" to then turn round and just say "oh nevermind", there becomes a lot of shit

There's a very strong antinatalism vibe on SS for a reason. Kids are often used as pawns. Yours is a perfect example of this. Now there's a kid with a mentally unstable mom and dad who doesn't want anything to do with them.

 

[l0sing]

You really didn't know guys will lie and act affectionate to get laid?

There's a very strong antinatalism vibe on SS for a reason. Kids are often used as pawns. Yours is a perfect example of this. Now there's a kid with a mentally unstable mom and dad who doesn't want anything to do with them.

Not all men do, you might have a warped sense of it but not all men use women "just for sex"

How is my child being used as a pawn?! I've not once said I've been the woman who's said he can only see his son if he's with me or anything like that. No one's using them as a pawn. And I was mentally unstable before I had my child, hence my story saying I was abused since being a child.

 

[summers]

Not all men do, you might have a warped sense of it but not all men use women "just for sex"

The one you were with did...

And I was mentally unstable before I had my child,

Having a kid was an awesome choice then. Totally not selfish or anything (that's sarcasm in case you can't tell)

 

[l0sing]

The one you were with did...

Having a kid was an awesome choice then. Totally not selfish or anything (that's sarcasm in case you can't tell)

Wow, aren't you a great person. You do know mentally unstable people can heal, which is what I was doing until more shit happened. Sorry I didn't exactly asked to be abused which gave me my issues.

 

[summers]

Wow, aren't you a great person.

Not in the slightest. I'm probably one of the worst people out there. But at least I'm not going to bullshit you.

You do know mentally unstable people can heal, which is what I was doing until more shit happened. Sorry I didn't exactly asked to be abused which gave me my issues.

This is exactly my point. Parents need to be strong and resilient. You're not.

 

[Cronetappingout]

My entire life I've been dealt shit. My father physically abused me, my mother emotionally abused me. My first boyfriend sexually abused me and my second physically and mentally abused me. When I met my most recent I was an absolutely broken women and he helped me so much, we started a family and then he fucked up but I forgave him. My mental health just kept getting worse no matter what I did, medication and therapy 3 times, to the point where he couldn't handle me anymore and has left.

My vent is though how can you just walk away from someone who gave their entire life to you, how can you leave your child, how can you see me in this pain and just go. He's seen how bad I am right now and still just leaves me.

Why am I not good enough?

The only way I see to end this pain is to ctb.

I see some of the other comments on this thread... I just want to tell you that you are a mom, not a super human. You are allowed to have low days, sad days, stressed days. But please also work on you and get yourself healthy enough to raise your little human. Being a single mom is tough, I did it for 15 yrs. But it is easier than putting up with someone else's crap. Take care of you and your child. Dont let others put you down you are doing your best. I believe in you ❤

 

[l0sing]

I see some of the other comments on this thread... I just want to tell you that you are a mom, not a super human. You are allowed to have low days, sad days, stressed days. But please also work on you and get yourself healthy enough to raise your little human. Being a single mom is tough, I did it for 15 yrs. But it is easier than putting up with someone else's crap. Take care of you and your child. Dont let others put you down you are doing your best. I believe in you ❤

Thank you so much. It's nice to hear from other like minded mums