Venting I'm so angry today./venting thread

[Livingvsdying25]

I'm just feeling very miserable rn. Very angry about life and living.

Like I was just born with all these things and obstacles and I'm supposed to be grateful and happy?

Today I am angry about being alive. I am angry at being constantly abused and mistreated. I am angry about being so ill and sick. I AM ANGRY ABOUT LIFE.

It's hard not to be... I'm just kinda... tired of everything today.

I don't even feel like eating today. Which would probs help with a bit of the anger but only on the outside. My soul is angry if that makes sense?

I dunno. I just wanna sleep and stuff today. Might order some more cannabis capsules but I am lowish on money but I'm not fucking doing anything so at the very least I think I do "deserve" some peace. (I don't feel like I deserve anything anymore.)

The quicker I can end this... the better. The quicker I can kill myself the better. Sighhhss like everytime I feel suicidal I gotta let my brain calm down long enough to like plan then I end up convincing myself to live and rinse and repeat.

I cannot keep doing this to myself. Time to make a decision. Time to execute. Time to fucking die. Probs gonna isolate for the next week to get myself into my own state of suicidal mind.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

I can't/have not been able to eat today. I've tried to convince myself mentally but it isn't going well.

I have options of what to eat but my body and mind just isn't allowing me to eat...

I'm not gonna stress about it too much bc it'll make it harder to eat so ima just let it happen. Maybe when the evening comes I'll be able to eat we shall see..

Life is so frustrating. If it isn't nausea, eating disorder, physically can't handle food, physically can't eat etc etc. Even with my eating its always fucking something in the way. Ugh... I'm sick of this life.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

I've been sleeping on and off all day...

I haven't been able to eat anything aside from a freeze. Im about to eat another one soon. Sometimes when eating is hard, I just drink juice and this is basically the equivalent of that.

If only starving to death was so easy I could just do that or smthin but nope. It's not. Sigghsss lemme go eat my freeze and go back to sleep.

It's an electrolyte freeze so it's very good for my illness. Soo at the very least if im starving im still gettin in some of my salt intake. Its still wild to me that my body needs inbetween 6g-10g of salt daily.



Sighhhss if I can end my life asap that'll be fucking fantastic. But it's gonna take me at least a week to get everything together.

 

[voc_89]

i have read your comments. I see your pain and I am so sorry that u are feeling like this.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

i have read your comments. I see your pain and I am so sorry that u are feeling like this.

Thnxx for the compassion.

I've been sleeping on and off all day...

I haven't been able to eat anything aside from a freeze. Im about to eat another one soon. Sometimes when eating is hard, I just drink juice and this is basically the equivalent of that.

If only starving to death was so easy I could just do that or smthin but nope. It's not. Sigghsss lemme go eat my freeze and go back to sleep.

It's an electrolyte freeze so it's very good for my illness. Soo at the very least if im starving im still gettin in some of my salt intake. Its still wild to me that my body needs inbetween 6g-10g of salt daily.



Sighhhss if I can end my life asap that'll be fucking fantastic. But it's gonna take me at least a week to get everything together.

Watchin some videos on Youtube that make me laugh. Which is nice to still be able to laugh.



My friend reposted the gofundme link on social media after I basically shared I'm feeling the suicide feels again and said I would be disconnecting for however long. So I deleted the app we use to communicate. Oh if only I could explain to her that it isn't about money anymore. I've made it about money and needing enough to thrive but. It isn't about that anymore.



It's about me. Me as a person. Me being disabled. Me being severely ill. Me not being able to do anything with any consistency. Me completely losing my sense of direction in life. Me just wanting to not live this life anymore. Me being tired if all the struggle. Just me....





Im glad I've been able to experience such a beautiful love/friendship. Im truly grateful. I hate myself though. I shouldn't have allowed myself to get close to anyone knowing my own thoughts on suicidality. I hate myself and I don't deserve love.