I’m Sick

[WillOxyWork]

After I had planned my own death with SN and written my suicide notes, I got this idea in my head that if I got my ex-girlfriend back, I would still want to keep on living. So, I did everything in my power for her to give me a second chance, and she did.

I spent the last three days with her. I immediately realized that she couldn't free me from the anguish of reactive tinnitus and visual snow syndrome, but she was so comforting to me when I was having a hard time. However, I was still having suicidal thoughts with her around, and I subconsciously sabotaged everything. Yesterday, she asked to me leave for good because my constant agony was causing her way too much stress, which was totally understandable. She could just sense my pain even when I was silent.

I think part of me actually wanted this to happen once I realized that I was still suicidal with her around. I couldn't end it while being in a relationship with her - it would destroy her and I'm afraid she would end her own life as well. So when we ended it for good this time, I asked her to block my number to protect her from finding out if I ctb'd.

I feel sick because I still think somehow she could save me, although I know for a fact that's not the case. I'd still do anything to be back with her. But my number is now blocked, and we are done forever.

I think I may ctb in just a day or two. Tinnitus and visual snow destroyed my passions and my relationship. The only thing holding me back now is the pain I will cause my parents.

 

[FriendofDeath]

I'm really sorry you find yourself in such a difficult position. You are dealing with physical issues that basically never let up, do they? I can understand why you did what you did with your girlfriend. It was actually a selfless thing to do. I guess the question is, are you being fair to her? She obviously means a lot to you. Do you think this is a relationship that is worth saving? Why did you break up in the first place? What percent of the time you were with her was good? Maybe it comes down to making a list. Sounds corny, but sometimes seeing it helps to make a decision, and this is a BIG decision.

Wishing you the best during this tough time!

 

[WillOxyWork]

I'm really sorry you find yourself in such a difficult position. You are dealing with physical issues that basically never let up, do they? I can understand why you did what you did with your girlfriend. It was actually a selfless thing to do. I guess the question is, are you being fair to her? She obviously means a lot to you. Do you think this is a relationship that is worth saving? Why did you break up in the first place? What percent of the time you were with her was good? Maybe it comes down to making a list. Sounds corny, but sometimes seeing it helps to make a decision, and this is a BIG decision.

Wishing you the best during this tough time!

Well, there's no hope for saving the relationship anymore as I asked her to block me and never contact me nor my parents again. We broke up in the first place because of the stresses of quarantining together in the same apartment for months on end, which culminated in the collapse of my mental health when I irreversibly damaged my hearing. I wasn't being the best to her at times because I felt like I needed space, and then I was pretty awful to her once the tinnitus started. I could only care about my tinnitus and nothing else. I was being good to her when we tried again and was making sure not to let my tinnitus get in the way of being there for her, but it didn't matter. She said that the damage was already done and she couldn't bear the burden of my health issues.

 

[FriendofDeath]

That's sad. It sounds like your physical issues, at least the tinnitus, is a fairly new symptom. Do you know what caused it? Is there anything medically that could happen that would help? Were you suicidal before it kicked in?

 

[WillOxyWork]

That's sad. It sounds like your physical issues, at least the tinnitus, is a fairly new symptom. Do you know what caused it? Is there anything medically that could happen that would help? Were you suicidal before it kicked in?

Noise induced hearing damage. I had never been the most responsible with sound during my life, and I had two major acoustic traumas which seriously messed up my ears. A little over two months ago, I stupidly used a pressure washer without protecting my hearing. That decision will always haunt me. Doctors can't do anything to help noise induced tinnitus unfortunately. I'm just supposed to learn to live with it. And the tinnitus somehow led to visual snow syndrome as well. Modern medicine doesn't fully understand these neurological ailments unfortunately.

It really sucks because I had not been suicidal in almost two years.