I'm scared....to be friends....with people

[Water-Lily]

Today I confided in a friend about a friendship situation I've been processing

A situation that involved me cutting out 4 people from my life

Two of which I thought I was close to

I told them snippets of what happened and he said that their anger at me was warrented

My actions lead them to reacting how they did, and I needed to learn how my actions push people away from me

I know he's right, but now I feel like a monster

I felt so bad, I heavily dissociated when talking to him

But I wanted to die

Because if its my fault, that means I'm an abusive piece of narcissistic garbage

And therefore, people like me shouldn't exist

At least, thats the messed up shigt I say to myself

Its made me wonder, in my pursuit to be a better person

To not let men emotions drive me to shut people out and lash out

That what if, if I mess up again, it'll be too much

That the friends I have will say "we're done with you"

The rejection is enough to make me spiral

And I don't want to be hurt again

I don't want to keep messing up

But I'm human and can't be perfect all the time

I'm scared my friends will give up on me

Today I sent a friend request to a friend I thought wouldn't want to be my friend again

But he accepted it like it was no big deal

I wonder if he hates me too, or I might screw up so much he'l not want me around

Am I worthy of taking up space? Do I matter?

Or am I just a toxic piece of shit who will fuck up badly one time enough for someone to just cut me off?

 

[Kalista]

Its made me wonder, in my pursuit to be a better person

try not to obsess over becoming a 'better person.' it's easy to get caught up in the so-called 'self-improvement' trend and forget that human beings are messy and imperfect. do what's right for you, not meeting some ideal standard of being 'better.'

But I'm human and can't be perfect all the time

you're aware of that truth, but it is still difficult that you can't help to try and please people -- which is understandable. keep that awareness

Or am I just a toxic piece of shit who will fuck up badly one time enough for someone to just cut me off?

you're surrounded by people who fails to understand you (if they're even trying). people who stay with their one-sided perspective. people who can easily drop the blame on you because of your current circumstance. you WILL have a difficult time connecting with them without changing a lot about yourself.

 

[Water-Lily]

try not to obsess over becoming a 'better person.' it's easy to get caught up in the so-called 'self-improvement' trend and forget that human beings are messy and imperfect. do what's right for you, not meeting some ideal standard of being 'better.'


you're aware of that truth, but it is still difficult that you can't help to try and please people -- which is understandable. keep that awareness


you're surrounded by people who fails to understand you (if they're even trying). people who stay with their one-sided perspective. people who can easily drop the blame on you because of your current circumstance. you WILL have a difficult time connecting with them without changing a lot about yourself.

I feel no matter how I hard I try, its never enough for people

I'm always fucking up in some way. I want to be better to not cause problems and lose people

Actually this sounds like I'm doing it more for them and not for myself

That can't be healthy...

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm not good at coping with arguments with people either. They also tend to make me panic that the friendship is irretrievably changed or lost to which- I tend to use the same tactic of- I'll drop the friendship first.

I think to move forward that it may be best to try and consider certain things. Disagreements, even arguments are kind of likely to happen now and again in close relationships. We likely all do inconsiderate or annoying or unpleasant things every now and again. Seeing as our friends are people who want to be around us- it's probably best that they do call that behaviour out. They're likely not saying: 'I hate you.' More like- we don't like it when you act like that. Why are you acting like that?

Then, I guess it's up to you to work out whether you still feel you were being reasonable. When you did or said whatever it was- was there any hesitation befoforehand? Did you realise it might cause a negative reaction? So- that kind of thing would mean you could stop yourself in future.

It probably does come doen to whether you truly believe you were being reasonable though. I don't think we should have to not be ourselves around our friends.

 

[Water-Lily]

I'm not good at coping with arguments with people either. They also tend to make me panic that the friendship is irretrievably changed or lost to which- I tend to use the same tactic of- I'll drop the friendship first.

I think to move forward that it may be best to try and consider certain things. Disagreements, even arguments are kind of likely to happen now and again in close relationships. We likely all do inconsiderate or annoying or unpleasant things every now and again. Seeing as our friends are people who want to be around us- it's probably best that they do call that behaviour out. They're likely not saying: 'I hate you.' More like- we don't like it when you act like that. Why are you acting like that?

Then, I guess it's up to you to work out whether you still feel you were being reasonable. When you did or said whatever it was- was there any hesitation befoforehand? Did you realise it might cause a negative reaction? So- that kind of thing would mean you could stop yourself in future.

It probably does come doen to whether you truly believe you were being reasonable though. I don't think we should have to not be ourselves around our friends.

I think they were just fed up with me. They said that they didn't want me around if I kept acting out. So I solved the problem and blocked them. I left all groups associated with them, and I think they're better off for it

I was the problem…