Im scared of what comes after

[eros]

I keep seeing people discuss CTB with such calm certainty, (which I get is probably an presumption) and it makes me feel like a coward for how much it terrifies me. Maybe I'm overthinking everything, but watching all these goodbyes and detailed plans just highlights how paralyzed I am. I left religion behind some time ago, yet the question of what comes after still haunts me. Eternal silence feels like the most rational conclusion just nothing, forever. But the idea unsettles me deeply. I sometimes find myself wishing reincarnation were true, not out of hope, but out of a desperate need to know there's something more than absolute nothingness. How can anyone truly be sure? Death has always filled me with this overwhelming fear. Even when I was younger and the pain felt unbearable, that fear alone stopped me from going through with it... though there were moments I wished it had succeeded. Now, with everything that's happened, the endless loop of numbness, school feeling meaningless, and no real future in sight… I'm left wondering if fear is the only thing still holding me here. And then the guilt creeps in, have I truly suffered enough to justify ending it? Or am I just another dramatic guy who hasn't endured enough to earn that right?

 

[Shadows From Hell]

Remember what life was like 5 years before you were born? It's like that, you will no longer exist.

 

[LongJacks]

I understand you completely, I wouldn't think people are calm about suicide I seem calm myself but everyone must feel fear or sadness or anxious (Texting feels emotionless sometimes) and same I hope of a certain after life not just nothingness, however think about nothingness like this... before you were born, what did you feel? Nothing. You weren't even aware of anything, but I do hope that there is reincarnation like you're saying I believe in it too (The heaven or hell theory is dumb to me) I hope you well though :)

And I understand the paralysis it happens, I wanted to CTB a lot but never went through out of paralysis or cowardice for me

 

[PinkMeow]

If I was sure there is just simply nothing and no thoughts or feelings I wouldn't hesitate about doing it. The idea somehow there is afterlife and I will still be me with my thoughts is terrifying. That's one thing that has been stopping me at moments. "Have I suffered enough to justify ending it?" Is not the right question to ask yourself. Have you tried hard enough to get better and find a way out of the pain without death?

 

[itsgone2]

Not sure if it helps but I'm terrified too. But I'm terrified of the act. I don't think about after much. I'm Catholic but I just don't think about it much. If I do, yeah that terrifies me too. But mostly I just wanna get this over with and I'm not even close.
I know I can't fix my life. I know ending it is my greatest preference. But I'm scared too.

Like I said, I'm not sure if it helps but I'm scared too

 

[eros]

I understand you completely, I wouldn't think people are calm about suicide I seem calm myself but everyone must feel fear or sadness or anxious (Texting feels emotionless sometimes) and same I hope of a certain after life not just nothingness, however think about nothingness like this... before you were born, what did you feel? Nothing. You weren't even aware of anything, but I do hope that there is reincarnation like you're saying I believe in it too (The heaven or hell theory is dumb to me) I hope you well though :)

And I understand the paralysis it happens, I wanted to CTB a lot but never went through out of paralysis or cowardice for me

We do have pretty similar thoughts! Someone else brought up the "before you were born" argument does give me some temporary. It makes sense that it would just be the same nothingness with no awareness at all. But then my brain immediately contradicts itself and the fear comes rushing back anyway. I guess it's my innate survival instinct or just pure terror of the unknown that's holding me back. If nothingness really is what happens, then the fear would only exist until the moment it's over… which is kind of comforting when I think about it that way.

Lately my life has just felt really dull and empty, like I'm just going through the motions with school and everything, but I haven't fully committed to the idea of CTB yet.

If I was sure there is just simply nothing and no thoughts or feelings I wouldn't hesitate about doing it. The idea somehow there is afterlife and I will still be me with my thoughts is terrifying. That's one thing that has been stopping me at moments. "Have I suffered enough to justify ending it?" Is not the right question to ask yourself. Have you tried hard enough to get better and find a way out of the pain without death?

yeah I guess that's not the right question. I feel like I could've done more since I'm petty young and I've already done therapy and trying meds now. after feeling like this since i was 9-10 I'm just completely numb. same empty loop every day with school and everything.

thanks for the input!

Not sure if it helps but I'm terrified too. But I'm terrified of the act. I don't think about after much. I'm Catholic but I just don't think about it much. If I do, yeah that terrifies me too. But mostly I just wanna get this over with and I'm not even close.
I know I can't fix my life. I know ending it is my greatest preference. But I'm scared too.

Like I said, I'm not sure if it helps but I'm scared too

At least we aren't alone, thank you for sharing it does help!

I used to be Muslim growing up, so even though I've moved away from religion, the old indoctrination still messes with me sometimes. The horrible depictions of the afterlife (hell especially) are hard to fully shake off, even when I logically don't believe anymore. That fear of "what if I'm wrong" lingers in the back of my head.

 

[LongJacks]

We do have pretty similar thoughts! Someone else brought up the "before you were born" argument does give me some temporary. It makes sense that it would just be the same nothingness with no awareness at all. But then my brain immediately contradicts itself and the fear comes rushing back anyway. I guess it's my innate survival instinct or just pure terror of the unknown that's holding me back. If nothingness really is what happens, then the fear would only exist until the moment it's over… which is kind of comforting when I think about it that way.

Lately my life has just felt really dull and empty, like I'm just going through the motions with school and everything, but I haven't fully committed to the idea of CTB yet.

Yes and yeah it's easy to say but hard to do, I see what you mean school can dull a person with the amount of stress good luck with everything and I wish you the best (Remember that CTBing is a serious choice and permanent one too) not to scare you or make you anxious just to think things through, assuming you're a teenager things in life can get better or worse, not giving you false hope or anything school will end one day and it isn't easy to go through it, good luck and I hope things get better for you

Sorry for my bad English.

Wanted to discuss reincarnation I think it's possible (Not the hindu way as in the more good or bad you did in life decides if you turn into an ant or a lion xD) but like the idea of nothingness before we are born, maybe consciousness is similar it happens randomly without us knowing