Venting I'm scared of dying

[deadprincess]

i'm really not sure how to get over this. the idea of dying scares me so much. i guess it's supposed to no matter what. how do i get over it? every time i think seriously about hanging myself i get so freaked out and want to cry. it's just a lot. that heroin i keep mentioning is the only thing that doesn't scare me so much because i know i'll be high before i die lol. that's why i'm getting that asap. i got scared last month and spent my paycheck so i couldn't buy it. i'm so frustrated that dying isn't easier for me.

anyway i need to vent:
i'm terrified of my life rn like it's horrible in most ways. i've been through a lot of trauma and abuse since i was born. that's not really stopping soon. i have a lot of mental illnesses and i'm physically disabled with some kind of autoimmune thing (still trying to get diagnosed). i can't work even part time. i can't drive. i'm a high school drop out. i'm physically isolated. the internet is all i have. i've been homeless since 2016 when i was evicted (not on the street homeless, just no stable/safe housing). i'm on a waiting list for section 8, but that takes years. i can't even couch surf because if i leave the county i lose my shitty healthcare that i have (it's not even insurance! just a free supplemental thing only for people in my county). i need my healthcare because i'm disabled, need my meds (mostly psych meds that clearly are not working), and need to apply for disability.

so i'm stuck being abused by my parents, isolated, and feeling like a loser because i can't do a lot to change my situation since i don't have a steady income to even live in a van like i want to. i wouldn't be able to pay the monthly payments for insurance and whatever else i need. my living situation is so bad rn that being homeless in a van would be way better.

thanks for reading. i tend to post more on facebook, but i'm worrying all my friends and i feel horrible. all my support comes from friends online rn and i'm so crazy i feel like people will start avoiding me or call the cops if i keep talking about how much i want to kill myself.

 

[Revok]

That sounds horrible. I don't know how to take away your fear, but fear of death is a very natural instinct in all living beings, so at least don't beat yourself up about being afraid.

That being said, I try to think about suicide not as ending my life, but as ending it in my time and on my terms. Every living thing will eventually die after all. I find that thought puts things in perspective for me.

 

[Schopenhauer]

It's a terrible conundrum. I understand your pain. I wish I could say it'll get better, but....

 

[Aesthler]

If sorry about your suffering and I know that the fear of dying only makes it worse. When I think about killing myself I don't feel fear but it feels surreal. I know my intentions are clear and it's what I want but I can't help but feel like once it happens I'm just going to wake up like it was all a dream. My plan involves heroin as well, I've never done it before but I imagine it'll be blissful to end that way.

 

[millefeui]

There is no shame in fearing death. Living organisms are pre-programmed to fear termination and to fight it at all costs. To make things worse, humans are "blessed" with the gift of intelligence, the gift that potentially makes us fear things that logically speaking shouldn't exist (even if they exist somehow), like afterlife and similar thingies. I fear death, not the act of dying itself, but what might come next. Other folks here, on the other hand, fear the moment of death (the pain, etc). In the end, it is all fear. It is all in our brains. Not much we can do about it.

I am deeply sorry you had and still have to go through so much. I wish I could help, but I can't even help myself, let alone others.