![waiting4thenextbus](/data/avatars/l/40/40093.jpg?1654343684)
waiting4thenextbus
Lost
- May 30, 2022
- 66
Sorry that this post is all over the place. It's a reflection of my current mindset I guess. I tried my best to make it coherent.
I have done extensive research on my method. Its 2 bottles of N from D. I will be using metoclopramide. Haven't decided if I'll be doing the 48hour regime or stat, but will probably go with 48hr regime because of the rumors that its more effective.. (I f*cking hate all of this uncertainty - I wish the PPEH would just be clear ffs). I have been wanting (needing) this (CTB) to happen for years and years. I gave myself a shot and told myself that if things worked out, I'd stay. Well, they certainly didn't. I've lost everything and I am completely trapped in a life where there is nowhere to turn. I am trapped and claustrophobic and I hate being around other people. All people. They make me anxious. I'm 28 and I live with my mother. She's a narcissist, enough said. All I want to do is die.
I have chronic pain from arthritis in my knees. I have had insomnia since age 4. Over the years I acquired CPTSD, anxiety, depression, ADHD, OCD and suspect I'm an avoidant type personality. Suspect I'm on the autism spectrum too. I'm absolutely traumatized by change. So obviously I overthink everything, including my method.
This is why I'm worried I will fail my attempt at leaving this world. I am so badly worried about failing that's how much I want to go. I'm not sure if this is my survival instinct kicking in but it really makes me scared, the thought of failure. I'm so scared things will be so much worse if I fail. I will be completely rejected by my mom if I fail, she has said this before, which means I'll be homeless. I'm scared of being thrown into psych jail - it will be state funded and in my country that's BAD NEWS. I cant work due to my brain and my knees being such a mess and the fact I'm constantly anxious about every single little thing I do, including showering or brushing my teeth.
So tell me please, will my method work? I'm looking for reassurance, peace of mind and facts that will convince me that my method will work. Examples of people who have succeeded perhaps? I've seen some but nothing too recently. I cannot deal with this mental turmoil anymore. What I'm most afraid of is vomiting and being found while unconscious. Even after taking metoclopramide. I hate the fact that there are posts on this website where people have claimed failure with N. It has really f*cked with my mind.
I'm scared the taste will cause me to throw up.
I'm planning to book a cheap hotel for two nights, which means I shouldn't be found for at least 24 hours (I think). I will put a 'do not disturb' sign up. CTB on the first night of my stay. 48hr metoclopramide regime beforehand. Fast the day before with a piece of toast 1 hour before N. I'll have some dark chocolate after drinking the N. Maybe a shot of vodka after N, but I'm scared this may lead to vomiting. Advice?
I don't usually suffer from nausea, but depending on my anxiety levels my gag reflex can act up. I'm also on 0.5mg alprazolam twice a day, should I stop taking this about 2 weeks before I CTB? I don't want it to affect my method - is this a thing?
Also, I binge drink and get properly drunk, I'd say about once a week. Should I stop this too? For about 2 weeks before I CTB?
So please tell me, based on the above, do you think I'll succeed? I need peace of mind. I'm so scared of f*ucking this up, just like I have everything else in my life.
Happy to answer any questions if you need more info :) Thank you in advance...
I have done extensive research on my method. Its 2 bottles of N from D. I will be using metoclopramide. Haven't decided if I'll be doing the 48hour regime or stat, but will probably go with 48hr regime because of the rumors that its more effective.. (I f*cking hate all of this uncertainty - I wish the PPEH would just be clear ffs). I have been wanting (needing) this (CTB) to happen for years and years. I gave myself a shot and told myself that if things worked out, I'd stay. Well, they certainly didn't. I've lost everything and I am completely trapped in a life where there is nowhere to turn. I am trapped and claustrophobic and I hate being around other people. All people. They make me anxious. I'm 28 and I live with my mother. She's a narcissist, enough said. All I want to do is die.
I have chronic pain from arthritis in my knees. I have had insomnia since age 4. Over the years I acquired CPTSD, anxiety, depression, ADHD, OCD and suspect I'm an avoidant type personality. Suspect I'm on the autism spectrum too. I'm absolutely traumatized by change. So obviously I overthink everything, including my method.
This is why I'm worried I will fail my attempt at leaving this world. I am so badly worried about failing that's how much I want to go. I'm not sure if this is my survival instinct kicking in but it really makes me scared, the thought of failure. I'm so scared things will be so much worse if I fail. I will be completely rejected by my mom if I fail, she has said this before, which means I'll be homeless. I'm scared of being thrown into psych jail - it will be state funded and in my country that's BAD NEWS. I cant work due to my brain and my knees being such a mess and the fact I'm constantly anxious about every single little thing I do, including showering or brushing my teeth.
So tell me please, will my method work? I'm looking for reassurance, peace of mind and facts that will convince me that my method will work. Examples of people who have succeeded perhaps? I've seen some but nothing too recently. I cannot deal with this mental turmoil anymore. What I'm most afraid of is vomiting and being found while unconscious. Even after taking metoclopramide. I hate the fact that there are posts on this website where people have claimed failure with N. It has really f*cked with my mind.
I'm scared the taste will cause me to throw up.
I'm planning to book a cheap hotel for two nights, which means I shouldn't be found for at least 24 hours (I think). I will put a 'do not disturb' sign up. CTB on the first night of my stay. 48hr metoclopramide regime beforehand. Fast the day before with a piece of toast 1 hour before N. I'll have some dark chocolate after drinking the N. Maybe a shot of vodka after N, but I'm scared this may lead to vomiting. Advice?
I don't usually suffer from nausea, but depending on my anxiety levels my gag reflex can act up. I'm also on 0.5mg alprazolam twice a day, should I stop taking this about 2 weeks before I CTB? I don't want it to affect my method - is this a thing?
Also, I binge drink and get properly drunk, I'd say about once a week. Should I stop this too? For about 2 weeks before I CTB?
So please tell me, based on the above, do you think I'll succeed? I need peace of mind. I'm so scared of f*ucking this up, just like I have everything else in my life.
Happy to answer any questions if you need more info :) Thank you in advance...