Venting I'm sad, frustrated, and just in disbelief (feel free to ignore)

[jbear824]

I just can't process it. Me and this guy I just met.

4 days. We'd only been talking for 4 fucking days. Maybe 5. And you know what I hated about it? It was making me feel excited to be alive.

And you know what else? I decided to indulge it and felt like maybe I might have another reason to not kms. I had no expectations, but I was starting to feel a little hopefukl, I was opening myself up to doing things he was interested in. Idk there was potential. And I was excited about that.

But then to be brutally reminded that I am trash. I'm poor, ugly, mentally unwell and suicidal. That letting people have relationships with me is selfish. Kidding myself is fine,kidding someone else just to feel good, is not okay. I can't let him think this has future when it doesn't. At least, not in the way he would potentially see one.

And it just sucks. My brain just started making me want things. Things I obviously can't have because I'm too broken and useless as a person. Just one more thing I'm not capable of.

I on purpose did not save any of his snaps, but I don't think I'll forget his face because my heart felt ready to give it another go when i saw his face. He had a face that just made me smile. And now I get to remember that while also remembering the message I had to send him the day before new years about why I have nothing to offer him, and how it's pointless to pursue anything with me.

I did go to the overpass last night and just sat there for a while. Pretended to use my phone to avoid anyone pulling over and being like "hey are you okay?". Ultimately my impulse to die was overridden not by SI, but by the guilt of potentially ruining who knows how many lives by throwing myself into a busy highway. Especially after I had to just potentially make this guy sad. So I couldn't do it.

But now I'm just sitting here, alone. His face. All the what ifs. All the "could have beens". Like we could have been having fun new years eve texting right now. He was flirting with with me last night, we could have been flirting now. But no.

Tbh I'm probably the only one feeling sad about this. He's 23. Realistically, he's probably already drunk and moved on. But I'm really fucking sad. I can't take it back, doing so would just make me look crazy. Maybe I am. And maybe normie people are right, maybe crazy people shouldn't be in any kind of relationships.

If that's the case, all this experience has done is killed my heart and given me one more really solid reason to kill myself.

Happy fucking new year

 

[Sleeper System]

I just can't process it. Me and this guy I just met.

4 days. We'd only been talking for 4 fucking days. Maybe 5. And you know what I hated about it? It was making me feel excited to be alive.

And you know what else? I decided to indulge it and felt like maybe I might have another reason to not kms. I had no expectations, but I was starting to feel a little hopefukl, I was opening myself up to doing things he was interested in. Idk there was potential. And I was excited about that.

But then to be brutally reminded that I am trash. I'm poor, ugly, mentally unwell and suicidal. That letting people have relationships with me is selfish. Kidding myself is fine,kidding someone else just to feel good, is not okay. I can't let him think this has future when it doesn't. At least, not in the way he would potentially see one.

And it just sucks. My brain just started making me want things. Things I obviously can't have because I'm too broken and useless as a person. Just one more thing I'm not capable of.

I on purpose did not save any of his snaps, but I don't think I'll forget his face because my heart felt ready to give it another go when i saw his face. He had a face that just made me smile. And now I get to remember that while also remembering the message I had to send him the day before new years about why I have nothing to offer him, and how it's pointless to pursue anything with me.

I did go to the overpass last night and just sat there for a while. Pretended to use my phone to avoid anyone pulling over and being like "hey are you okay?". Ultimately my impulse to die was overridden not by SI, but by the guilt of potentially ruining who knows how many lives by throwing myself into a busy highway. Especially after I had to just potentially make this guy sad. So I couldn't do it.

But now I'm just sitting here, alone. His face. All the what ifs. All the "could have beens". Like we could have been having fun new years eve texting right now. He was flirting with with me last night, we could have been flirting now. But no.

Tbh I'm probably the only one feeling sad about this. He's 23. Realistically, he's probably already drunk and moved on. But I'm really fucking sad. I can't take it back, doing so would just make me look crazy. Maybe I am. And maybe normie people are right, maybe crazy people shouldn't be in any kind of relationships.

If that's the case, all this experience has done is killed my heart and given me one more really solid reason to kill myself.

Happy fucking new year

It would be nice to find someone equally fed up with life to CTB with.
I'm sure i'm just being naive but even so. Going alone is sadder than the act itself imo.
I know i'm dying alone but Im happy for those who have partners ready to hold hands and go together.

You're doing the right thing letting this person go. It's not too late for them to find happiness with another.
As much as it hurts, not allowing another into our world is a mercy. Even if it feels selfish or unfair.

 

[nopointinlivingg]

I believe I poisoned all my past friendships and relationships with my depression. Even those who saw good in me became disgusted or exhausted and disappeared. Even those who saw benefit in my manipulation or abuse. Can't help but have self isolated for some time now.

 

[jbear824]

I believe I poisoned all my past friendships and relationships with my depression. Even those who saw good in me became disgusted or exhausted and disappeared. Even those who saw benefit in my manipulation or abuse. Can't help but have self isolated for some time now.

And that's what I started thinking. Here's this young man going into a new year, what right do I have to spoil it, spoil his life so soon by letting him let me into it.

I just couldn't do it. I hope he has a better chance at a happy future than my generation had. But I'm still fucking heartbroken over this, which is stupid.

 

[breezeboy]

I'm curious what he said when you explained things the day before new years?

Im sorry that you feel this way about yourself. I definitely understand and know the pain of having to cut someone off to protect them. In my case they weren't appreciative of what I was trying to do and wanted to decide themselves.

 

[jbear824]

I'm curious what he said when you explained things the day before new years?

Im sorry that you feel this way about yourself. I definitely understand and know the pain of having to cut someone off to protect them. In my case they weren't appreciative of what I was trying to do and wanted to decide themselves.

I waited a day for him to respond. He didn't. But he hadn't blocked me yet from what I could tell. So idk. But I couldn't wait. I didn't want sit by phone waiting. Why do that to myself? So I deleted my Snapchat account altogether. He may have just been busy but I would have driven myself crazy waiting. And then I would have had to fight myself from texting him again. Oh God. No fuck that. So the way I see it, it was a train wreck no matter what.

I just feel so stupid. Because I am. Like I deserve to fucking die. For this. For everything else.

 

[breezeboy]

I waited a day for him to respond. He didn't. But he hadn't blocked me yet from what I could tell. So idk. But I couldn't wait. I didn't want sit by phone waiting. Why do that to myself? So I deleted my Snapchat account altogether. He may have just been busy but I would have driven myself crazy waiting. And then I would have had to fight myself from texting him again. Oh God. No fuck that. So the way I see it, it was a train wreck no matter what.

I just feel so stupid. Because I am. Like I deserve to fucking die. For this. For everything else.

You're stronger than me. I would've been watching my phone waiting..
That's disappointing he didn't respond back after a day. Im sorry.

I don't know you but I don't think you're stupid or that you deserve to die for allowing yourself to feel something good. Be easier on yourself friend I know it's hard <3