Venting I'm really tired

[apoptosis]

It can't even be called exhaustion anymore. It's far, far more than that. I'm tired every time I breathe. With every thought I think, I feel the last of my energy being strung out further like taffy. It's becoming thinner and thinner and I can't even break down and cry anymore. I'm too exhausted to even do anything but lie in bed. And even then I feel like I'm burnt out.

I'm failing my college classes. I used to be a straight A student. I don't care anymore until I do, and when I do, I feel this fiery, crippling, all-encompassing self hatred that makes me want to stab and rip myself apart whilst I scream. I genuinely despise myself. I feel absolutely disgusted with my entire being.

I just fucking HATE existence. I'm so fucking pissed that my parents decided to fucking bring me into this world. I'm so fucking mad, depressed, exhausted, bored, and apathetic that I can't wrap my mind around it and it's just— I'm so tired with it all.

And the thing is— while the depression had not gone away when I had little responsibilities over summer break, it was... bearable. Marginally. But now I'm in college and now I have to get a degree— and then I have to work Monday through Friday 9-5. For the rest of my life until I'm old and that is half a century away. Half a fucking century.

That's not even mentioning the fact that the world is going to fucking shit politically and environmentally. It's all so goddamned depressing.

But yeah. If I had no responsibilities and I can just rot in bed and scroll on my phone I'd be relatively happy. But I can't. So, I want to die since there's no way that I can't participate in society.

 

[GasMonkey]

Having to work 8h+commute/day for 40+ years is madness, looks like modern slavery.

 

[apoptosis]

Having to work 8h+commute/day for 40+ years is madness, looks like modern slavery.

Looking at the overarching trends it has gotten better, labor movements have worked in some respects. That's good for people who are mentally functional and happy even if it needs to get even less focused on productivity and more on, yk, the people.

But for people like us— who are mentally ill, neurodivergent... it's hell. And we are denigrated as lazy. It's disgusting.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Have you tried antidepressants? You are 100% suffering from clinical depression… I went through it myself… You should at least try antidepressants and getting some therapy which is probably available through your university… Might as well give it a chance before taking other measures…

 

[makethepainstop]

Having to work 8h+commute/day for 40+ years is madness, looks like modern slavery.

It is, and that's what I have done for many decades.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. It is a Herculean feat to study as well as manage poor mental health. i give you credit for trying. Do you think it is worth it to take time off to focus on mental health? I know you may not want to sacrifice time for that but health is paramount and ignoring or neglecting it is unsustainable.

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound awful and very tiring what you have to endure. I've always hated existence and see being brought into this world as being the worst thing possible. Life is such a terrible, tedious concept with unlimited potential for suffering. But I get that it can be horrible feeling trapped in a life that you hate.

 

[GasMonkey]

Have you tried antidepressants?

I would check hormonal levels (testosterone, thyroid, cortisol, etc) before that.

 

[almaranthine]

Failing out of college did a number on me psychologically, so I can really understand where you are coming from. I absolutely hated myself and become completely despondent after I dropped out. I was so angry that I wasted all of my high school years working extra hard to get college credits only for all that effort and earned scholarships to be trashed. However, you have not, unlike me, failed out yet. There is still hope for you. I'm not trying to sound like a pro-life drone here but if you so choose, there are plenty of options you can take to deal with this situation such as taking a health and wellness leave, petitioning to late drop the classes you are failing, taking an incomplete in classes, etc. I ran my gpa into the ground so badly that I legitimately don't think they'd even let me back into the uni... so anyways, yeah, just be mindful of that. Taking time off/postponing your degree=/= failing out.