Venting I'm really struggling, but I fucking deserve it.

[BitterlyAlive]

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm rooming at someone's house right now so I'm somewhere safe while I figure things out. I feel like I'm just taking advantage of them. I feel as lost and hopeless as ever. I'm upset right now, so this may sound a bit stupid.

I've been really dropping the ball this past week. I still haven't showered. I haven't brushed my teeth. I've barely brushed my hair. I get my lazy butt out of bed to help make dinner and do dishes, because it's the least I can do while I'm their roommate. I've taken the dog for walks most days this week too. But I should be doing more.

I haven't taken my meds in a few days. I honestly just don't care enough to take them. It's been 7 weeks, nothing has changed, so why not miss a few days? It's Effexor, so I've been feeling incredibly nauseous and sick. Effexor is notorious for its nasty withdrawal symptoms. I deserve to feel like shit though, so oh well.

I haven't been to work in over a week. Granted I work in healthcare and we have 12 hour shifts 3x a week tops. I've had to cut my hours because 36 hours a week is too overwhelming, but apparently I can't even handle 24 hours a week. I've felt so bad that I had to call in once and go home early the other day. My supervisor is really concerned and had me talk to a mental health professional at work. I don't know if I should be pleased that my supervisor cares so much or upset because now more people "know" and are involved.

I don't have any sort of plan. Therapy is crap. I don't know what to talk about, I don't really have any sort of direction. I don't like my therapist either. They don't care at all and seem so bored and disengaged. But I'm to blame too, so oh well. I don't know what to do about my meds. I don't want to keep taking them if they aren't going to help, and I'm tired of trying new meds. It's been years and nothing has helped. I have psychological testing coming up once things open up again, but I don't know what to do when I'm done with that. I'm too stupid to get a better job so I can live on my own.

I'm really overwhelmed because I feel lazy, stupid, and hopeless. I don't think I can fix my problems or myself. I'm only doing this stuff right now because I have to. I truly believe that I deserve to keep feeling awful because I'm a bad person. I got myself into this mess and I deserve to suffer the consequences. People would really be better off if I killed myself. Hell, I'd be doing everyone a favor.

This sounds dramatic and I'm really sorry. It's just too damn much. I don't even know if any of this garbage made sense.

 

[kinzokukae]

it makes complete sense, i get where you're coming from. i think the 'they'd be better off if i died' mentality is really common amongst suicidal people, since i feel the same. if you want to vent to me you can! tell me if you just want me to listen, or if you want advice - i'm not very good at comforting though (:

 

[KleinerWolf]

Sorry for the late reply,
in case you still need small advice, I hope the below is useful for you.



Sorry to hear that you are troubled by the daily chores and stress from work.
It must be very hard and unsettling for you.

Do you think it benefits you to take the meds temporarily until you are able to arrange an appointment with the psychiatrist to discuss the medications
or perhaps change to a therapist of your choice, that specialise in anxiety?


P.S.
it would be good if you can try make yourself shower/brush your hair.
Might be challenging at first because I know how you feel. I was like that when I don't feel like it.
But try your best to create a routine which will contributes towards your wellbeing.

I hope you can pull through, Bitterly
Focus on your mental health first.

I believe figuring out whats not working with medication/therapist can really help you.

With Love,
From "Ego".

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I grew up in a home where I was scapegoated for all the abuse I received and for everything that was wrong with the family. So I hated myself. I said shitty things about myself all the time. I took on some of those messages and false beliefs about me.

In my twenties, I noticed that how I talked about myself made others uncomfortable, people who cared. They'd tell me they wished I didn't talk so badly about myself. I took that advice, and I changed how I talked about myself. I ended up liking myself a lot more and seeing the more of the good in myself that others saw.

I felt a lot of discomfort in reading your post, hearing you say you're a bad person and you deserve bad things. I care. I wish you wouldn't talk so badly about someone who deserves to be treated well and experience good things -- you.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

it makes complete sense, i get where you're coming from. i think the 'they'd be better off if i died' mentality is really common amongst suicidal people, since i feel the same. if you want to vent to me you can! tell me if you just want me to listen, or if you want advice - i'm not very good at comforting though (:

Thank you. I tend to vent too much and it pushes people away. I'd prefer posting on here where the burden is split among everyone. I appreciate your offer though.

I grew up in a home where I was scapegoated for all the abuse I received and for everything that was wrong with the family. So I hated myself. I said shitty things about myself all the time. I took on some of those messages and false beliefs about me.

In my twenties, I noticed that how I talked about myself made others uncomfortable, people who cared. They'd tell me they wished I didn't talk so badly about myself. I took that advice, and I changed how I talked about myself. I ended up liking myself a lot more and seeing the more of the good in myself that others saw.

I felt a lot of discomfort in reading your post, hearing you say you're a bad person and you deserve bad things. I care. I wish you wouldn't talk so badly about someone who deserves to be treated well and experience good things -- you.

This is very sweet. I've changed how I act around others irl because I also noticed I made people uncomfortable. Now I just talk like this online or with friends (carefully). And I appreciate your kindness, but I really don't feel like I deserve good things. I'm really sorry I made you uncomfortable.

 

[Evermore]

In my twenties, I noticed that how I talked about myself made others uncomfortable, people who cared. They'd tell me they wished I didn't talk so badly about myself. I took that advice, and I changed how I talked about myself. I ended up liking myself a lot more and seeing the more of the good in myself that others saw.

I hope you dont mind me asking this but I'm just wondering if how you began to like yourself more was down to not talking badly about yourself or because of other changes? I have a tendency to make others feel uncomfortable because of how I talk about myself and someone told me if I just stopped saying aloud the things I think in my head and start saying nice things then I'd like myself more.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

This is very sweet. I've changed how I act around others irl because I also noticed I made people uncomfortable. Now I just talk like this online or with friends (carefully). And I appreciate your kindness, but I really don't feel like I deserve good things. I'm really sorry I made you uncomfortable.

I was concerned that you might take on what I said and own something I wasn't trying to put on you. No apology necessary. You didn't make me uncomfortable, I had a response, and that is mine to own. I don't want you to change to make me or anyone else feel better, my hope was that you could see in my story that it is possible to receive a supportive rather than condemning message from someone who cares and use it as a catalyst for change that creates greater self-support and well-being. If you are not in that place, or do not seek it, then it does not make you wrong; we are separate and autonomous people, and what serves me may not serve you. I accept that you feel how you feel, I accept that it is not mine to change nor within my right or power to do so, and I am grateful that you recognized my kind intentions.

I hope you dont mind me asking this but I'm just wondering if how you began to like yourself more was down to not talking badly about yourself or because of other changes? I have a tendency to make others feel uncomfortable because of how I talk about myself and someone told me if I just stopped saying aloud the things I think in my head and start saying nice things then I'd like myself more.

What happened was that receiving those comments jarred my perceptions and brought awareness. I wasn't really hearing what I was saying until others pointed it out. I had a harsh and condemning inner critic, and I made the effort to change what the critic said. I had never quite fit in, and I decided to love my weirdness, and I became more comfortable with myself and others, and because of that I flowed better in life and in groups. I wasn't so weird after all, I just had different ways of viewing things, and I was creative, and when I found benefit from my being myself, I noticed that more people appreciated those things about me and the fresh perspectives that I brought, rather than condemning me for not being like the crowd and thinking like the crowd. I found value in myself, and others did, too -- not everyone, not by a long shot, but I was also no longer an easy target for emotional bullying or "mean girl" types. Later, some people would try to knock me down for saying good things about myself, as if I were vain and conceited, but they were uncomfortable with my healthy self-esteem, and their way was to knock down others so they could symbolically stand on their fallen body and be taller and dominant. Fuck that. I worked hard to like myself, and it wasn't narcissism or overblown, they are all qualities worth liking. Some folks can't handle when others have self-acceptance and self-worth, especially bullies. There's always someone in the world who will criticize, whether it's for not liking yourself enough, or liking yourself too much. I think it's human to want to fit in the crowd where no one rises above, to have stasis, comfort, and company. I've grown enough, especially in the past decade (I'm 49) that, more and more, I catch myself when I too internally criticize others for the same kinds of things, and work on accepting them, too. I can't change them, nor should I. If I'm having a strong reaction, there's likely something I need to work on in myself.

I don't know that I answered your question in a way that you sought. The other thing that affected the change was being in environments that were more conducive to my natural self -- I really started to blossom in college as I studied things I was interested in, and excelled in a non-high school environment, with professors rather than teachers, and a wider variety of people with a wider variety of interests.

For those who are telling you to stop saying aloud the things in your head, personally, I would ask them to instead challenge the things you say rather than shutting you up. If they think that the things you say about yourself are in error, I would ask them what then is their perception of reality. I would take it further and present it to another person/other people, and say, "This is what I said about myself/my perception of myself, what do you think?" and then compare the responses.

 

[Evermore]

@GoodPersonEffed Thank you for your response. I've learned not to criticise others and catch those thoughts if they ever arise but it hasn't seemed to work with critical thoughts about myself. I think its because i feel inferior to others so its much easier to direct the negativity towards myself than others . I think I might try your suggestion of asking people to challenge the things I say, maybe it will give me a different perspective.