I'm ready to die right now but CTB takes energy and I have zero energy...

[Oneness]

I'm ready to die, but just thinking about actually doing it is too much. I wish I could just disappear right now without any fuss. The idea of wiping my digital footprint, like cleaning out my hard drives and phone, feels impossible. Writing a will and suicide notes, trying to explain my pain to people who never really got me, seems like a task I can't handle. Figuring out how to do it without making a mess for someone else to deal with is more than I can deal with.

I'm drowning in this emptiness, and the thought of getting everything in order before I go is ridiculous. Every move, every thought, every heartbeat just reminds me of how tired and hopeless I am.

I dream about a quiet way out, slipping away without anyone noticing, leaving nothing behind but a faint trace that I was here. But reality is a cruel joke. The final step needs more energy than I've got. I'm stuck in this awful middle ground, too drained to die, too broken to live. The world keeps turning, not caring about my pain, while I'm stuck here, wishing for an end that feels like it will never come.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

You have a gift for words. I have felt this exact same way before. I somehow managed to cobble everything together eventually though, little step by little step, and now there is an immense relief in knowing that I only need about a couple days' notice before CTBing since almost everything else is already prepared. But even that little bit of effort that remains often seems like too great an obstacle to overcome, immaterial of the fact that the payoff--eternal nonexistence--is so unbelievably lucrative.