Hey, friend.
Sorry for this. Hope whichever way you go, there's peace. You are wanted. You are cared for. In here there is space for you. If you need some words of encouragement, PM me or anyone that replied (I'm sure we'll all agree) at anytime.
My day. I took my usual weekend night shift at the ER/urgent care. Things started off nice, just average cases, some worse, some not. Things started getting busier and lots of people came looking for help. And I'm slow in my practice, because I talk a lot to patients, and the system demands me to do things as fast as possible. Anyway. Nothing out of the ordinary. We usually divide ourselves to catch some sleep. We are 3 doctors to handle the urgent care, one for the ER, two in pediatrics and one stays in the observation room (for stabilizing patients). After 10pm we divided but I stayed a bit longer to finish some things my patients needed. So by 11pm I went and got my dinner (happy tummy). And went to the doctor's rest.
At 1:30am my colleague called me to help her because things were starting to get full again, so there I went. And helped with follow ups, some new cases and such. Then came in a woman for panic attack. Suicidal thoughts and such. So we started talking, she told me everything and I felt I was in this forum. We talked freely. I told her my experience, how it absolutely sucks and everything, how I failed in attempting and why I stayed. She told me about her traumas, so did I. We stayed for about 30 mins talking. And by the end of it, she had a smile. We hugged, she cried a bit more and said she felt way better. I felt glad. It was nice. Then the other doctor came in to help and I was free to rest again. I came back at 4 am and it was pandemonium. Completely full, two patients requiring urgent surgery, many stupid cases. And things started accumulating. So by the end of my shift things were packed. And the chief doctor sent me a message telling that if I didn't keep up and sped up my pace, she would have to fire me. I was very sad. I like this place so much.
The ride home was shit. Then I got home. Sent my gf a 7 minute long audio just ranting about how fucked up the system is. And my cats came in and asked for cuddles and my heart melted and I was just giggling and sending pics and videos of it to my gf. I stayed up until 12 am because I can't sleep without meds anymore (that's another story). I took my meds, showered and slept until 8pm. Woke up, looked at my texts, my buddy texted me saying he was coming over and bringing our other friend (we gather at my place every week for booze, unhinged talk, geek out and overall screaming about nonsense).
Now we are here. 2:22am. Drunk, smoking and playing Doki Doki Literature Club for the first time. I know it's a twisted game in some way, but I have no idea how. So far, just the literature club, some pretty depressing poems and hints of CTB, SH, severe loneliness and isolation. Nothing out of the ordinary.
Anyway, that was it. We're waiting for the twist in the game. If anyone would like to comment on this, please put "spoiler alert" first.
About Bungo Stray Dogs, never heard of it, but just read the synopsis and it seems very interesting. I will check it out.
Dude. You are wanted. And we're here whatever choice you make.
Cheers!
Ahhh I don't even know if I can begin to describe how much this helped me. I'm still planning to CTB tonight, hopefully I can end my suffering and I won't chicken out, but this at least made me feel less miserable for the night. But again, I don't think I can even begin to describe how good it get to just hear about someone's day and their experiences, tysm!
Seriously if I'm here tomorrow I would absolutely love to listen to you write about your day or such, if you ever feel the need to.
I've played a bit of Doki Doki literature myself! Not too far in, but I already know all of the twists due to seeing clips and such of it (I'm sure you'll be surprised!).
Bsd is a recent obsession of mine, though I've known about it for over a year. I specifically like a character by the name of Osamu Dazai, who is suicidal lol
And again, thank you so much for reading my crap and replying!
(Btw my name is Greyson, and I read your username wrong at first and thought that someone I knew had found out about this account or something paranoid like that….
)
Best of luck with your plans even though part of me feels like something in you wants to find a reason to keep going. I hope that most of all you'll be able to do what's best for you. If you're still here I'm gonna answer your questions.
My days are pretty much all the same, I'm disabled and stuck in my room, I spent some time on youtube and even more time just walking and thinking about life, my situation, my options and CTB. Damn, now that I've typed this down I feel a bit pathetic lmao I did have a pretty fun dream last night though
Random fact... I love using gifs of Steve Harvey as reactions on discord
Cats all the way, not really a fan of dogs even though I can appreciate them if it's for a short period of time
I never watched/read BSD properly but that didn't stop me from participating in the fandom hahah I used to be obsessed with Chuuya. I feel like even my current pfp here makes it pretty obvious that I have a type.
With all those having been answered, I just wanna say that you don't have to go if you don't feel fully ready, if you want to spend more time gushing over BSD or talking to your friends. The option to CTB won't run away anywhere. I fully support your freedom of choice though, hugs
Ahh thank you for replying! I'm so grateful for all of you. You are right in that I wish I could live, but there are only specific circumstances that could make me want to, and those are sadly unattainable. However, I might chicken out tonight, I hope not, but it's certainly a possibility, so who knows?
(And I'll probably CTB in about 3-6 hours, if all goes according to plan.)
Ah that sucks :( I'm sorry dude, you aren't pathetic! I hope life gets better for you (not specifically regarding your disability, but just life in general).
LMAO I LOVE THE STEVE HARVEY THING!! and yesss cats all the way I love them!
That's great that you like(d) (I'm not sure if it's current or not lol) bsd! I'm more of a Dazai fan myself, for I assume obvious reasons, but I also just like his character and depth!
(I've always found Chuuya fans scary, I feel like they'll bite my head off if I say he's not my favorite character….)
Yes, thank you so much for replying and the advice! I really appreciate it!
) as soon as you put them in your mouth. The crunch isn't the same but I don't think you'll be disappointed in the crunch that it has. 
I am very intrigued to try and make it! With the lime I can imagine 
