im physically unable to be happy

[paroxyical]

i cant find a way to be happy. i was born faulty. just venting. im so upset. why did i have to be born the person that i am
i feel dizzy and sick with how disgusted i am by myself and the fact that i exist

 

[EraseRewind]

I get this completely, I am just unable to be happy. I've been acting all my life, putting false smiles on my face and forcing laughter. Faulty genes or poor build quality, tried ctb three times that's left me angry at myself. I've made mistakes and got in to trouble so I'm self hating on that, work is almost impossible and my study this year has only really been possible because we're online because of lockdown. I'm affecting my SO too she's working at home, so i just go and sit by myself with my dog.

I hope you can find a way to get some happiness, if I had an answer I would share it.