Venting I'm perpetually devestated I need to die

[nozomu]

I'm just in so much pain. I want it to end. I don't really want to die but I really can't handle continuing to live. It hurts so bad. I just want to live, and give my love. I want to be loved in return. I want to smile in earnest and burn brightly instead of this cowards' life I live. Where I've separated my persona into the one who everyone sees outwardly who is the happy person, but that fake persona gets stepped all over. there's the real me who isn't a lie. Who knows all the dark secrets I'm not supposed to know. Who knows I'm being played like a fool. Who knows that no one will ever love me, and that I am doomed to always be truly alone. This is the me who will take responsibility for this life I didn't ask for.

I just can't believe I was born to never be loved and cherished. I was never valued the way I deserved. And I can't believe I have to die because I live in a world that will never give me what I need. So it's easier to not be a part of it. Fuck. Fuck all of this. I don't know why I try but at least it will be over soon.


I know I'm gonna destroy some people by leaving. But I need to go. I can't do it anymore trying my best to hold on as long as I can. But it's harder and harder and I can't even be authentic and real about it. I told my partner I wanted to CTB and they just cried constantly about it. So I lied and said it went away. It didn't fucking go away, I still want to die just as bad if not worse. I just feel like more of a fraud. No one cares about me for the real me who I actually am. They can only be around me if I'm fake and not actually me

 

[ikadasui]

I'm just in so much pain. I want it to end. I don't really want to die but I really can't handle continuing to live. It hurts so bad. I just want to live, and give my love. I want to be loved in return. I want to smile in earnest and burn brightly instead of this cowards' life I live. Where I've separated my persona into the one who everyone sees outwardly who is the happy person, but that fake persona gets stepped all over. there's the real me who isn't a lie. Who knows all the dark secrets I'm not supposed to know. Who knows I'm being played like a fool. Who knows that no one will ever love me, and that I am doomed to always be truly alone. This is the me who will take responsibility for this life I didn't ask for.

I just can't believe I was born to never be loved and cherished. I was never valued the way I deserved. And I can't believe I have to die because I live in a world that will never give me what I need. So it's easier to not be a part of it. Fuck. Fuck all of this. I don't know why I try but at least it will be over soon.


I know I'm gonna destroy some people by leaving. But I need to go. I can't do it anymore trying my best to hold on as long as I can. But it's harder and harder and I can't even be authentic and real about it. I told my partner I wanted to CTB and they just cried constantly about it. So I lied and said it went away. It didn't fucking go away, I still want to die just as bad if not worse. I just feel like more of a fraud. No one cares about me for the real me who I actually am. They can only be around me if I'm fake and not actually me

Why do you feel unloved if you have a partner who shed tears over wanting to leave? Do you not feel a genuine connection to them or are unable to be "you" with whatever that entails?

 

[nozomu]

Why do you feel unloved if you have a partner who shed tears over wanting to leave? Do you not feel a genuine connection to them or are unable to be "you" with whatever that entails?

I love them to pieces. But the situation is complicated and I don't think I'll ever get the same unconditional love I put in in return

 

[Rob1984]

What about you wanting to CTB do you think made your partner cry so much about?

 

[nozomu]

What about you wanting to CTB do you think made your partner cry so much about?

Because I'm someone who will do anything for them and that's what they don't want to lose. Not me as a person. They told me if I kept expressing desire to CTB they'd leave me so that's why I have to hide myself. I was also careful not to be manipulative about it and told them just how I was feeling and that I was scared, not that I'd actually be doing anything... If they truly loved me they'd accept my pain as a part of who I am instead of making me shove it inside so they can feel okay.

 

[Rob1984]

Because I'm someone who will do anything for them and that's what they don't want to lose. Not me as a person. They told me if I kept expressing desire to CTB they'd leave me so that's why I have to hide myself. I was also careful not to be manipulative about it and told them just how I was feeling and that I was scared, not that I'd actually be doing anything... If they truly loved me they'd accept my pain as a part of who I am instead of making me shove it inside so they can feel okay.

So it sounds like they use you? Possibly they are the ones manipulating you...? When you say you will do anything for them, hopefully within reason? Not in the sense that you bend over backwards, like a people pleaser. Because that isn't healthy for you.

Loving someone who is suicidal is really tricky. If someone truly loves you, they typically will want to help, meaning they won't just simply accept the situation. Ya know? Like let's say you have a pet (maybe a dog or cat) and it is suffering, you won't just accept that state your loved pet is in. You're gonna want to help it. In your case, your partner telling you to suppress your pain so "they can feel okay" sounds really toxic imo. But I obviously don't know the situation.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this :( it's tough being in a relationship when one (or both) partners are suffering. It gets very complicated, especially when CTB is brought up. Yikes!

 

[nozomu]

So it sounds like they use you? Possibly they are the ones manipulating you...? When you say you will do anything for them, hopefully within reason? Not in the sense that you bend over backwards, like a people pleaser. Because that isn't healthy for you.

Loving someone who is suicidal is really tricky. If someone truly loves you, they typically will want to help, meaning they won't just simply accept the situation. Ya know? Like let's say you have a pet (maybe a dog or cat) and it is suffering, you won't just accept that state your loved pet is in. You're gonna want to help it. In your case, your partner telling you to suppress your pain so "they can feel okay" sounds really toxic imo. But I obviously don't know the situation.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this :( it's tough being in a relationship when one (or both) partners are suffering. It gets very complicated, especially when CTB is brought up. Yikes!

It's w whatever... Not my main reason to CTB anyway but rather just the icing on the cake... They didn't tell me to hide it but they did insinuate that they'd leave me if I didn't stop so I have to hide my feelings

I'm just never going to be accepted. But at least I can die soon so that it doesn't matter anymore if I'm in pain or not... It will end

 

[FuneralCry]

It's understandable just wishing for all the suffering to end. It certainly is such a cruel and painful existence and it can be so tiring and awful feeling trapped here when you just wish to be gone. I hope that you find what you are looking for.

 

[nozomu]

It's understandable just wishing for all the suffering to end. It certainly is such a cruel and painful existence and it can be so tiring and awful feeling trapped here when you just wish to be gone. I hope that you find what you are looking for.

Praying N shows up eventually. I don't want to go via SN but I will if I must...