Venting I'm pathetic, I'm a failure, why I'm still alive (NSFW)

[DrinkyCrow]

Hey, it's me again unfortunately.

One my favorite piercing had to get cut out at the ER this weekend (I had it since 2017 ffs) and now i have a open wound in my face.

I'm literally trying right now to whore myself out online to some horny 50year olds, in hopes to get killed or to just bring myself to a point where I really can't live with myself anymore or something.
But honestly? i respect sw'ers too much personally, so i dont even understand my own logic behind this.

I wanna just die as a whored out junkie like god intended for me , I tried to cheat by trying to be a man and get my life on track. At least that's what my stupid brain tells me , the same stupid Brain that tells me that i should start doing heroin and start to suck trucker dick for crack despite me being clean from hard drugs for quite a while now, and never doing stuff like that.

It's kinda like that final destination shit, I cheated death involuntarily too often, despite trying to ctb so often, I'm in a weird limbo or sum shit.

Sorry for my drunk rambling but it's so hard to get that stuff that will 100% kill ya, but also most stuff I could get maybe, i would pull people into that shit which I don't want to feel guilty.

I would literally suck and fuck someones whole bloodline for sum N or carfent or anything like that.

Just take me out of my God damn misery.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I feel like your chances of getting killed are slim. They are more likely to just have sex with you and move on with their lives. At least from my experience, most of the guys I've whore'd myself out to online were usually pretty decent people. Hell, I'm now dating one of them. Most of those dudes are usually just super horny.

It's probably much easier and safer to just get the job done yourself. That's what I plan on doing.

 

[DrinkyCrow]

I feel like your chances of getting killed are slim.

I feel like im statistically blessed to live in the only country i'm aware of, with 2 consensual gay cannibal killings. which isn't a lot, but still crazy it happened twice in contemporary history.

It's probably much easier and safer to just get the job done yourself. That's what I plan on doing.

I'm too poor to do it in a way that appeals to me, so i have to look into things that will make me do it either way out of pure desperation. Didn't felt that in a while unfortunately tho, got too "comfortable" by not being homeless and constantly in abusive relationships anymore.

Me from 10 years ago would honestly murder me for being such a privileged POS alone, and honestly? Absolutely deserved.

 

[nir]

I feel like im statistically blessed to live in the only country i'm aware of, with 2 consensual gay cannibal killings. which isn't a lot, but still crazy it happened twice in contemporary history.

Germany, dat u

I used to wonder if dying by being killed by someone would be the best way, but I think it would be terrifying and painful... I also hate lack of control. The fantasy of it seemed nice, but once I actually thought it through, it was horrible to even think of.

 

[DrinkyCrow]

Germany, dat u

who else?

I also hate lack of control.

thats the keyword: its just completely out of my hands then; no way back baby.

most of the guys I've whore'd myself out to online were usually pretty decent people. Hell, I'm now dating one of them. Most of those dudes are usually just super horny.

first dude 100% fit that, but hey, 80 Euros ain't that bad for so lil effort honestly.

 

[DrinkyCrow]

I'll take everything back, tried to meet guy no2 in front of a club, got searched by the cops and let go. Idk how cooked I am tho, prostitution isn't illegal but I'm not registered for it and it's kind of a grey area.

Dude is unresponsive and didn't show up apparently, or maybe got scared off cuz I got searched, but now I'm scared I'm gonna be investigated for tax fraud, even tho I didn't technically commit any so far.

New anxiety unlocked. Fuckin up my life speedrun 100% no glitches or something I guess.

Probably gonna have to resort to a cheap version of the exit bag soon.

My least preferred option, prolly gonna try GBL in combination with other RCs first, but I hope i can find a source for fent somehow. Seems like the safest bet.