im not there fully when i cry

[iamalreadydead]

just got done breaking over nothing and i think im at the stage of this depressive episode where im teetering on being psychotic because i am very preoccupied with a presence that doesn't exist, that i cater to in every shape and form and have been since i was a child. I was crying for a sad reason but during that moment i was simultaneously acknowledging that the true me, the one who is behind the veil, is aware the "me" who is in control most of the time who has permissions that the external "me" isn't allowed, has conjured a fake, make believe studio-audience up as far back as pre-pubescence and I wasn't crying to release pain, or letting myself truly feel the emotion, i was doing it because I need to put on a show for the people that watch me through my eyes. I know this is extremely batshit to read if you are a real person, sorry, which by the way my feelings about that have seemed to regress entirely, I'd love for my brain to acknowledge you as a separate entity from me but i cant really do that right now even though intellectually i know these thoughts are not reality

 

[TheGoodGuy]

I felt like I was actually following up until you said you were crying for other people, so do you mean you´re crying in front of other people so they can see you cry? I thought you were going in the direction of you noticed when you cried that the true you broke through the veil and noticed how fake the "me" who is control has become I was kinda seeing that in myself although I almost never cry but when I do it can feel like an old self my child self or teenage self appear shortly or maybe just some memories from when I cried when I was younger something that almost is not a part of me (the crying part)

 

[iamalreadydead]

I felt like I was actually following up until you said you were crying for other people, so do you mean you´re crying in front of other people so they can see you cry? I thought you were going in the direction of you noticed when you cried that the true you broke through the veil and noticed how fake the "me" who is control has become I was kinda seeing that in myself although I almost never cry but when I do it can feel like an old self my child self or teenage self appear shortly or maybe just some memories from when I cried when I was younger something that almost is not a part of me (the crying part)

this is actually kind of weird because i think initially what you described is what I believe is what's supposed to be happening but its almost like i slightly stifled it as a kid for whatever reason and instead of it just being myself that im interacting with its like that, except theres a weird theatre-like element for me that shouldn't be there

 

[TheGoodGuy]

this is actually kind of weird because i think initially what you described is what I believe is what's supposed to be happening but its almost like i slightly stifled it as a kid for whatever reason and instead of it just being myself that im interacting with its like that, except theres a weird theatre-like element for me that shouldn't be there

What do you mean you stifled it as a kid?