I'm not sure what to think

[Commandocoki]

There is a hole in the attic in the garage where my dumb ass fell through the drywall putting things up there.
There is exposed wood beams right above that hole. I've braided and tied up a rope. I've tied the rope within itself over that beam so there is no risk except it breaking. I'm like 99lbs though.
I'm thinking there is really no way to test that because it would require me to drop..and the rope when tied isn't very long. I also feel like because it is a drop that will leave me hanging it probably doesn't matter.
I did find my sweet spot using a cord.
Now I'm in a debate with myself about maybe just going the partial route.
I'm starting to narrow in on a date...but method is still up in the air.

Either my 7 or 4 year old will find me, or my mom who's son ctb and she's never been the same. I'd like to note that in May the father of my children tossed me around like a rag doll and held me up in the air and strangled me near death- and has been banned, by law, from both the children and I. So in a sense they recently "lost" their father. I feel traumatized beyond return and nobody notices no nobody understands or really cares. I almost feel like I'm slowly reaching a state of psychosis, or I'm just being engulfed and losing myself. The man I had dated since then, just picked up and moved states away due to job loss and needing to start over effectively breaking my heart to pieces in a way I don't think I can handle and my poor children miss him too.

I feel like there are many variables to my situation and a lot more thought needs to go into it.
Maybe I should get help, maybe I should go through with it. I just needed a place to let my thoughts out.

 

[Deleted member 19654]

I'm sorry you're going through so much right now. I can't say I know how it feels to be in your exact situation but I understand how it feels to be suicidal and just so lost on what to do about my life. This forum is a safe place for you to talk and just let it all out.

Ultimately, the decision is yours as to what you decide to do but it might be worth seeking some professional help and giving it a go to see where that takes you. I can't say I like the idea of your kids finding your body if you choose to ctb. Like I said, this is a safe space for you to just vent and talk if that's what you need. We're all from different walks of life but we're all here for a similar reason and so people here understand. I would just say please don't rush into anything without having a good think about it.

 

[RedDEE]

If a child is going to find you, you should absolutely not do it. Your children don't deserve to be traumatized by your action.

 

[DyingAlf]

Please, please don't do it in a place where there's even the slightest chance that any child, especially your own, might find you.

If you can find a more appropriate place to do it I wish you well & hope you find peace.

 

[foxdie]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. If you are even considering getting help you might as well. You sound uncertain in your post. There's no need to make a quick decision. You could just end up injuring yourself.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

ultimately, it's your choice on whether or not to ctb. ctb shouldn't be an impulsive that you do, but rather a well thought out and planned decision. one thing i will say is that leaving your kids to find your body will only further traumatize them, so if you truly feel that ctb is your only option, please think of another location to do it.

wishing you peace in whatever you decide.

 

[Soul]

@Commandocoki, I agree with @foxdie. Please give therapy a try or two before you make a decision about how to proceed. You deserve that, and your kids do too.

I'm sorry you've been dealing with so much. Please be gentle with yourself. (((Hug)))

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I can't see the beams so I am unsure about whether or not they will hold. Personally I would say that thick support beams are likely to withstand pretty high forces. They may be a viable option for a drop hanging but if you have any doubts about it I would not take the chance since it is not worth risking the neck injury.

Partial seems like it may be your better option here. Whatever you decide to do I hope it goes well.