Idk this kinda cringe but I feel kinda empty, like genuinely, even on my birthday when my family surprised me, I was happy, but not really, I couldn't really feel it. The happiness was just on the surface, it wouldn't penetrate deeper? I feel too self aware. I genuinely couldn't really feel anything. I felt kinda numb. This is cringe asl but I'm trying to be honest with myself here and say what I feel. Even after hanging out with my friends, maybe I'll feel happy but I don't actually feel it at the end of the day, it just distracts me from how I actually feel, which is, im not sure. It's kinda weird, I'm kinda exhausted. I wish I could just be myself but every single day I have to be screaming and be so happy and making jokes with all my friends or family or else they'll know somethings wrong with me and get concerned. I don't want anyone's pity or concern, or, at least I don't think so. Maybe I just want help, but at the same time, I find comfort in my sadness and helplessness. I really am helpless. Someone like me shouldn't be alive, so why am I still here? I've prayed countless times to God to end me, my prayers were never answered. "God, if you're real, please kill me, please don't let me wake up tomorrow" stuff like that. But it would never happen, sadly. Very unfortunate. When I was a little kid, 7-10, every day before bed, I'd pray to God to not let me wake the next day. Much to my disappointment, it never happened since I'm still here writing this right now. My only wishes are for my life to end or for the world to end already. It would be much better if the world suddenly disappeared though, wouldn't it? Just vanish. No one would be hurt or grieve over their loved ones death since they're gone. It's like they never existed. I'm sorry if this sounds like those cliche type of shit but this is genuinely how I feel right now.
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