Venting I'm not sure if I should even keep trying anymore or just CTB

[Usako0504]

In the past few years it's like everything I've tried to improve my life has failed spectacularly, and I have no idea what to do. I'm 28 and years of meds, therapy of all types, and psychadelics, and chinese traditional medicine, and supplements. I go to the gym 2-4x a week and I've lost 40 pounds. I am finally seeming to hold down a job for the first time in my life but it's ridiculously hard for me. I feel really isolated and alone, and everyone seems to think I'm getting better but I don't feel better.


I'm still fat, too fat for most clothing brands. I have no boyfriend or girlfriend, the main person I talk to is my ex who doesn't want to be with me because he doesn't want to move where I live and we have two different career drives (I'm very ambitious, he's not). I've tried going on dating apps for months but haven't met anyone or made any connections. I have no in real life friends and I'm miserable with my life. I lost my dream job because of racism, and because the entire industry is having layoffs none of my experience is considered enough because I don't have a degree and the majority of it was at startups.

Even if I continue losing weight I'll still be unattractive with hanging skin. And, is it really worth it at that point?

I started considering going back to school, but I'm not sure I can continue working and my goal is to get into business school or a master's program but I'm not sure if I'll be able to get in with my issues with math and the GRE. I have dyscalculia and I've failed algrebra 7 times in both college in high school. I don't know what to do at this point. I don't think it's worth it. I don't believe in my own abilities because everything seems to fail.

I tried joining a productivity group for accountability but everyone this month flaked on our meeting, that we all agreed on and it really... hurt me. I know it was a small thing but we had all agreed on it a month in advance and they were given multiple reminders. I feel so isolated and shitty and like none of this is worth it. I don't know what else to do. I don't want to be poor and fat anymore. I wanna have a relationship and I want to have a fruitful career.

I have spent the past 10 years ruthlessly working on improving myself and I feel like none of it has paid off. So like.... at this point CTB or not?

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry that you have such a horrible life although you really tried so hard to improve it, yet, without the success, you expected. Nobody here can and will tell you whether you should CTB or not because we do not encourage CTB and it's against the forum rules.

You will feel when the time has come, as long as you have hopes, despite the desperate situation you are in, it's not time to exit.

As long as you have not given up yourself, it's always worth to give it another try. There's always the option of CTB in the case it fails again.

I wish you all the best.

 

[Usako0504]

I'm sorry that you have such a horrible life although you really tried so hard to improve it, yet, without the success, you expected. Nobody here can and will tell you whether you should CTB or not because we do not encourage CTB and it's against the forum rules.

You will feel when the time has come, as long as you have hopes, despite the desperate situation you are in, it's not time to exit.

As long as you have not given up yourself, it's always worth to give it another try. There's always the option of CTB in the case it fails again.

I wish you all the best.

i just don't know how to keep up any hope and not give up on myself at this point. Like I'm doing all of the things but it's like I tell my therapist, I'm not saying I need to do something by 30 because of some societal pressure. I'm saying that because that's about as much energy to keep this going as I have left in me.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds very tiring what you've been through, but I guess that after all only you will know what's best, it's your decision. But anyway good luck, it's certainly such a cruel world we exist in where people suffer all through no fault of their own.

 

[cami]

as long as you have hope, i urge you to cling to it. when hope disappears things are seriously dire and i dont wish that on anyone. cling to it and keep trying. im proud of you and i dont think its too late for you at all. you are still so young and there is time <3