every day i feel more and more hopeless. I've never been a particularly happy person but it's been the worst probably it's ever been the past couple of months. I am miserable everyday no matter what I am doing. It almost got better a couple weeks ago but now everything is terrible again. It may have to do with a really bad drug experience I had 2 months ago since it was like a switch flipped in my head almost after it, but I'm not sure. Amid all this I managed to get a girlfriend 3 days ago. We'd had sexual correspondence in the past but never anything serious. Tonight, a friend of mine called me (I had told this friend about what we had done before) and told me he took issue with the fact that I was "betraying her trust" by telling him what we had done, made me out to be this exploitative douchebag, and said if I didn't tell her he would do so himself.
So now I have no choice but to tell her, but I don't think she's gonna like hate me for it or anything. It's funny because this happened around two and a half months ago and he never ever expressed a moral issue with it until I got into a relationship with her, and now he wants to cause problems, as if he wasn't the one who dragged it out of me in the first place. I didn't want to tell him in the first place. Also on the phone later he was with some of our friends and was asking me questions like "do you really like her?" mentioning other people I'd expressed interest in recently, and asking if our relationship was shallow and purely sex-based (given some things she had said about her views on sex and romance in the past). It really feels like he's praying on my downfall.
I've been such a fucking miserable wreck and the moment something goes good for me my "friend" starts trying to tear it down. It just makes me so angry. Everything makes me angry anymore. I'm slowly beginning to hate, or at the very least distrust, everyone around me, for valid reasons or otherwise. Even if I really have no good reason I still do and it's concerning me. I don't want to hate people. I want to love. It gets harder for me to love my friends and family every day of my life and it's not even like most of them are doing anything to me. I hate most of my family besides a cousin that I have a good relationship with. I don't trust anyone anymore either. There's not a single person I know anywhere who I feel I can genuinely trust. Any time I'm vulnerable with anyone nowadays I get the feeling they will make me regret it in one way or another, I tried venting to a friend about a month ago about someone else and she screenshotted my messages and sent them to him, so I think I'll never trust her with sensitive info ever again. I feel lonely constantly. I feel that none of my close friends really care much for me. Is that true? Probably not as much as I think it is. But they sure as shit don't show it very much, if they do. My family doesn't care, me and my mother hardly have a relationship anymore. No one around me shows me genuine love. They say it sometimes but never much more than that. Misery hate and paranoia influence my every thought and action and I can never get away from it or do anything about it. That girl that somehow liked me? It wont take long for her to realize who I am and get the hell out. I know it. I'm a miserable, hate filled, paranoid piece of garbage and there is nothing for me in this world. even when I do things I enjoy it's underpinned by stress. I don't know how much longer I can do this for, it only gets worse as time goes on. I just want to numb myself with drugs, or die, or both. There is nothing else I can do.
So now I have no choice but to tell her, but I don't think she's gonna like hate me for it or anything. It's funny because this happened around two and a half months ago and he never ever expressed a moral issue with it until I got into a relationship with her, and now he wants to cause problems, as if he wasn't the one who dragged it out of me in the first place. I didn't want to tell him in the first place. Also on the phone later he was with some of our friends and was asking me questions like "do you really like her?" mentioning other people I'd expressed interest in recently, and asking if our relationship was shallow and purely sex-based (given some things she had said about her views on sex and romance in the past). It really feels like he's praying on my downfall.
I've been such a fucking miserable wreck and the moment something goes good for me my "friend" starts trying to tear it down. It just makes me so angry. Everything makes me angry anymore. I'm slowly beginning to hate, or at the very least distrust, everyone around me, for valid reasons or otherwise. Even if I really have no good reason I still do and it's concerning me. I don't want to hate people. I want to love. It gets harder for me to love my friends and family every day of my life and it's not even like most of them are doing anything to me. I hate most of my family besides a cousin that I have a good relationship with. I don't trust anyone anymore either. There's not a single person I know anywhere who I feel I can genuinely trust. Any time I'm vulnerable with anyone nowadays I get the feeling they will make me regret it in one way or another, I tried venting to a friend about a month ago about someone else and she screenshotted my messages and sent them to him, so I think I'll never trust her with sensitive info ever again. I feel lonely constantly. I feel that none of my close friends really care much for me. Is that true? Probably not as much as I think it is. But they sure as shit don't show it very much, if they do. My family doesn't care, me and my mother hardly have a relationship anymore. No one around me shows me genuine love. They say it sometimes but never much more than that. Misery hate and paranoia influence my every thought and action and I can never get away from it or do anything about it. That girl that somehow liked me? It wont take long for her to realize who I am and get the hell out. I know it. I'm a miserable, hate filled, paranoid piece of garbage and there is nothing for me in this world. even when I do things I enjoy it's underpinned by stress. I don't know how much longer I can do this for, it only gets worse as time goes on. I just want to numb myself with drugs, or die, or both. There is nothing else I can do.
