I'm not suicidal as much as I used to be and it makes me upset/dissapointed

[Outofoptions1]

I broke up with my girlfriend/fiancee at the end of January and spiralled out of control. I was intensely depressed and closer to ctb than I've ever been. My breakup wasn't the only issue, but it was the trigger. I have a plethora of problems that my relationship was mending and it all came apart after that.

In the weeks afterwards, I've slowly been getting "better". I still feel like utter shit, but at least I'm eating and a bit more emotionally stable.

What irritates me is that my suicidal thoughts are LESS than before. I still have 0 motivation in my daily life, but now I have less motivation to ctb as well. I think about it logically and still believe its my best option, since I have no desire to "improve" my life. However, the intensity has calmed down significantly.

Whenever I run into a tough moment, the intense suicidal thoughts come back, however I'm just going about my day now for the most part just completely blank. No motivation to ctb or improve my life. Just on autopilot

 

[AreWeWinning]

I know the feeling. My reasons for ctb are different, but I know how it feels to feel an intense and urgent desire to do it, then losing that and being upset about it.

I have been going back and forth between very much wanting to do it and not wanting it enough to make progress. This has been going on for too long. What I have realised is that if I'm ever going to do it, I have to "force" myself to do it somehow. Or it'll go on like this forever. The question is just how. The question that probably no-one has the answer to... Or the answer is different for everyone.

 

[Pigeonleaderboard44]

I kinda feel this, I want to die but I can't find the time or energy. If dying in my sleep was a possibility I would try that.

 

[Outofoptions1]

I know the feeling. My reasons for ctb are different, but I know how it feels to feel an intense and urgent desire to do it, then losing that and being upset about it.

I have been going back and forth between very much wanting to do it and not wanting it enough to make progress. This has been going on for too long. What I have realised is that if I'm ever going to do it, I have to "force" myself to do it somehow. Or it'll go on like this forever. The question is just how. The question that probably no-one has the answer to... Or the answer is different for everyone.

I think the best thing to do in our situation is make general plans to ctb. I know that I can't continue on living, but I just don't know when I'm going to go. I'll make my will, notes, etc. When the day comes that I get very overwhelmed, I can easily ctb without worrying about anything else.

I know that for myself, not having to make preparations would help immensely since I can put all my motivation and energy into ctb'ing.

 

[AreWeWinning]

I think the best thing to do in our situation is make general plans to ctb. I know that I can't continue on living, but I just don't know when I'm going to go. I'll make my will, notes, etc. When the day comes that I get very overwhelmed, I can easily ctb without worrying about anything else.

I know that for myself, not having to make preparations would help immensely since I can put all my motivation and energy into ctb'ing.

Sort of my approach too... Do my preparations anyway. Even if I don't feel like I'll be able to do it, prepare anyway. Then, if I happen to be able to do it, it's all good, I can just do it. But if I'm not prepared, there is no way it's going to happen. As you say, need to get my will, my notes ready, prepare the method, create my checklists for the final day, everything.

 

[buddha99]

I feel the exact same way. I had this intense urge a few weeks ago and checked into a hotel to get it done with. Just couldn't get myself to do it though. Now, my life feels even worse especially my SI kicking in and trying to save me. I am so done with this cycle and just want to get this over with.

 

[JesiBel]

Well, maybe it's good to enjoy a little mental calm from time to time. I, too, feel like my days are empty and meaningless, like a robot programmed to do the day's activities.

Suicidal thoughts always come and go, life always has something negative to disturb us with.

As for CTB, it will happen the day we're ready and can't stand this existence any longer. Take it easy.

 

[Michi_Violeta]

I broke up with my girlfriend/fiancee at the end of January and spiralled out of control. I was intensely depressed and closer to ctb than I've ever been. My breakup wasn't the only issue, but it was the trigger. I have a plethora of problems that my relationship was mending and it all came apart after that.

In the weeks afterwards, I've slowly been getting "better". I still feel like utter shit, but at least I'm eating and a bit more emotionally stable.

What irritates me is that my suicidal thoughts are LESS than before. I still have 0 motivation in my daily life, but now I have less motivation to ctb as well. I think about it logically and still believe its my best option, since I have no desire to "improve" my life. However, the intensity has calmed down significantly.

Whenever I run into a tough moment, the intense suicidal thoughts come back, however I'm just going about my day now for the most part just completely blank. No motivation to ctb or improve my life. Just on autopilot

Ah, man, I feel you so much! This is precisely my situation. My ex broke up with me in July last year and I've been all over the place, spiraling at first holding on to hope, then trying no contact, then when no contact got too much I started having suicidal thoughts and they have only been reinforced by her telling me how happy she is, how much she's changed, and about her future plans with the asshole soldier boy she replaced me with. I've been taking steps I never had, researching, following through, getting the drugs: got amitriptyline, chloroquine, metoclopramide, zopiclone, and my SN should arrive tomorrow...

...but now I feel "better." And everyone would call better an improvement, but I call it frustrating. I call it life forcing me to move on, forcing me to stay in this shitty world where both the women I've loved have utterly destroyed me and I feel absolutely hopeless after 9 years of putting in the work, traveling, working on myself, studying, finding a decent career path, making friends, so much fucking work only to end up with a broken heart and broken dreams again.

And somehow, my fucking mind and my fucking body wake up every day like nothing has happened? Nah, fuck this, fuck this so much. That plus the fear of hurting my family is the only thing keeping me in this world. And I hate it. Because I don't want to move on, to forget the most beautiful thing that has happened to me in years. I want my fucking mind to shut up and stop bombarding me with "positive" thoughts like I'm not allowed to feel pain and call it quits. Just life on autopilot, exactly like you say, keeping myself distracted, trying not to text her, trying to remember her, trying not to think of her with that motherfucker...until I finally get the push to ctb.

Sort of my approach too... Do my preparations anyway. Even if I don't feel like I'll be able to do it, prepare anyway. Then, if I happen to be able to do it, it's all good, I can just do it. But if I'm not prepared, there is no way it's going to happen. As you say, need to get my will, my notes ready, prepare the method, create my checklists for the final day, everything.

Thanks for sharing, this will be my approach now too. SN should arrive soon, I got my will, already deleted part of my digital footprint. My mom knows I'm suicidal, so do some of my closest friends. The moment shit hits the fan I'll just have to fast, follow the protocol, and go to sleep.