i’m not religious but...

[madgod]

i grew up in a fundamentalist christian home (think screaming in tongues in church and groups of women barking like dogs because the devil is inside them.) to two former catholic parents. i may not like the idea of an individual "god" in the biblical sense but something has felt apocalyptically wrong. the virus, the wars, wet wear in humans, the rioting and fires and murders and rage. mass die offs of different species with no explanation while others i've never seen are swarming here in minnesota. sure i'm diagnosed psychotic but there's a reason behind everything and someone once told me it's people like me that see through the holes in the world and can connect dots no one else even things of. it feels like there's ants under my skin and the world around me burns and i'm just laughed at and honestly i see the second coming of christ not as some new white jesus but one of these brown men protesting for peace and justice and he will be shot down in front of a crowd and the ground will open up and swallow all the politicians and pedophiles and other swine and then everything else will just implode. why shouldn't i throw myself infront of traffic if hell is already on its way. why shouldn't i load a gun and wander into the woods and not come out.

 

[lobosolitario]

Eu cresci em um lar cristão fundamentalista (pense em gritar em línguas na igreja e em grupos de mulheres latindo como cães porque o diabo está dentro deles.) com dois ex-pais católicos. Talvez eu não goste da idéia de um "deus" individual no sentido bíblico, mas algo pareceu apocalíptico errado. o vírus, as guerras, o desgaste dos seres humanos, os tumultos, incêndios, assassinatos e raiva. mortos em massa de espécies diferentes sem explicação, enquanto outros que eu nunca vi estão fervilhando aqui em minnesota. Tenho certeza de que sou diagnosticado psicótico, mas há uma razão por trás de tudo e alguém me disse uma vez que são pessoas como eu que enxergam através dos buracos do mundo e conseguem conectar pontos que ninguém mais faz. parece que há formigas sob minha pele e o mundo ao meu redor queima e eu apenas ri e honestamente vejo a segunda vinda de cristo não como um novo jesus branco, mas como um desses homens morenos protestando por paz e justiça e ele ser abatido na frente de uma multidão e o chão se abrirá e engolirá todos os políticos, pedófilos e outros porcos e, em seguida, tudo o mais simplesmente implodirá. Por que eu não deveria me jogar na frente do trânsito se o inferno já está a caminho? Por que eu não deveria carregar uma arma e passear na floresta e não sair? Por que eu não deveria me jogar na frente do trânsito se o inferno já está a caminho? Por que eu não deveria carregar uma arma e passear na floresta e não sair? Por que eu não deveria me jogar na frente do trânsito se o inferno já está a caminho? Por que eu não deveria carregar uma arma e passear na floresta e não sair?
[/CITAR]eu virei agnóstico antes eu era cristão.

 

[madgod]

i am agnostic but this seems so surreal and staged my mind is running a mile a minute.

eu sou agnóstico, mas isso parece tão surreal e encenado, minha mente está correndo uma milha por minuto ...

 

[FriendofDeath]

I'm watching the craziness in New York - police are attacking. They seem to be enjoying themselves. They've shot at reporters while they are live. It's ugly and I hear you. I can also believe that you might make connections others don't, because you see all possibilities. Fire now in DC. It's not good, but not the end. My psychiatrist asked me if I wanted to hurt myself. I was a bit vague and said if things went crazy (like they are), I might not want to stick around. I wonder if she's sitting in front of her TV trying to remember who told her things would go kabloohy! I'm not going yet. Let's see what's next.

 

[madgod]

I'm watching the craziness in New York - police are attacking. They seem to be enjoying themselves. They've shot at reporters while they are live. It's ugly and I hear you. I can also believe that you might make connections others don't, because you see all possibilities. Fire now in DC. It's not good, but not the end. My psychiatrist asked me if I wanted to hurt myself. I was a bit vague and said if things went crazy (like they are), I might not want to stick around. I wonder if she's sitting in front of her TV trying to remember who told her things would go kabloohy! I'm not going yet. Let's see what's next.

i've relapsed into so so many old habits (drinking, harder drugs than just the green, cutting), all for a sense of control. on top of all of this i'm helping my father through a messy divorce, packing up to move literally across country (mn to tx), quitting a job i love, now my already at risk grandmother was diagnosed with alzheimer's and covid... woo... i'm scared and just want to control something and if it's not my life it's going to be my death. i don't know when or where or how. my earlier plans were thwarted due to thinking i couldn't leave people who need me behind. i'm exhausted and if i could i'd just go to sleep and not wake up. the connections seem too bright and surreal and dangerous, like what ever out there is rubbing my nose in the pain. even my therapist was overwhelmed with everything i just mentioned and sat in our hour long session and just said "wow" over and over again. like yeah i know "wow" but idfk what you do or say at this point. it's like the world around me is caving in.

 

[FriendofDeath]

That is a WHOLE LOT going on, and I can better understand where you're coming from. Sorry about the upcoming move and job change, and that your grandmother isn't well. I hope you find some well deserved peace.

 

[The Dark Chaos]

I think the world is just being ruled by Chaos right now. Chaos has built a home so deep within us that anyything 'calm' feels like an alien. At least to me.