Venting I'm not mentally ill for seeing what's wrong with this world

[greyismyfavecolor]

I feel lost in my life.

I'm alone, I have no one to talk to. I've been depressed for years now. Everyone says it gets better but it doesn't.

It's slowly getting worse every day. I feel like I can barely function.
I can't go in public without feeling like I'm about to have a panic attack. I feel like this even when talking to my own family (I live with my parents). I usually have a "I don't care, it doesn't matter" mindset about most things, but I somehow can't apply it here. I freeze every time I have to socialize, I can't seem to figure out how to relax around people.
I used to have a few hobbies, but now I can't enjoy anything at all. Everything feels the same - boring, pointless and a waste of time.
I feel lonely and isolated all the time. I talk to people online sometimes but it isn't the same. Everywhere I look, I see happy people, and it makes me feel a weird kind of way - I suppose it's a mix of anger, sadness and jealousy? I can't relate to most people at all. I don't think I've ever been truly happy.
I can't think clearly. My thoughts are messy and don't make sense. It gets extremely uncomfortable so I have to distract myself all the time. And what is the easiest way to distract myself? By wasting time on the internet, of course. I spend way too much time online to the point it's bad for me. I feel like a hypocrite because I hate modern technology but I don't know what else to do. My thoughts turn into complete nonsense, the only way I can avoid it is by ignoring it.
I hate myself. I wish I could die. And I hate others for hurting me. I wish I could hurt them back. I won't because I'm not that kind of person and I know it's not worth it. But I can't get the thoughts out of my head.

I feel like there's no escape, no way to change my current situation. Therapy is a fucking scam.
I tried getting "help" when I was younger (or should I say, I was forced to). It wasn't helpful at all. I got on way too many high dose medications and I experienced bad side effects that no one warned me about. Psychiatrists never listened to me, my medical records and diagnoses are completely inaccurate and full of things I never said. I felt terrible. I was forced to hide my true feelings and I still can't forget it.
Now I've been out for a while. I don't have any contact with mental health workers anymore.
How do people think a random guy who pretends to care about my problems for money will help anything? Despite my doubts and awful experiences, I've actually started trying to find a new therapist - I suppose I could try to give it another chance, what do I have to lose? But then I found out how long the waiting lists are. Yeah, sure, I'll just ignore my problems for a year, that will work.
I don't even think I could trust a therapist again. I hate people who have authority over me, I hate knowing that they have the power to lock me up, that their words matter more than mine.

I know the problem isn't me. I'm not sick for not wanting to participate in a modern capitalist society where everyone only cares about money and themselves.
I can either become homeless, or work for a company that could replace me in a few days, for the rest of my life. How can people be happy with such a lifestyle? Work to get money, use the money to buy products to make you temporarily happy. Am I the only one who sees no point in this? I'm disgusted in how normalized overconsumption is. Children in poor underdeveloped countries have to work for the clothes and technology we buy without thinking about it.
There's almost no privacy anymore. Security cameras, digital tracking... you name it. And people are fine with it because it's convenient. But what about the long term consequences?
Look at the current coronavirus pandemic. I don't want to start conspiracy theories. I'd just like to point out the power the government has over the citizens. Making new laws and mandatory rules? Without any problem. And people are fine with it. Because it's for our own safety, apparently - sure, politicians definitely care about the people.
Look at the mental health system. People getting forcibly drugged, "treated" against their own will, like we're criminals - but what is the crime? Wanting to die? I don't need anyone "saving" me, doing things "for my own protection". But who gets to decide what is a mental illness and what isn't? Is there really something wrong with a person who doesn't want to work for a pointless job every day for the majority of their life? Or is this just what we're told to think, because the system needs quiet obedient workers to function?

How am I supposed to be happy in a world like this? And what do I have to live for if I'm alone for everything? It feels pointless. I can't change anything. People don't care, everyone is too selfish and apathetic, absorbed in their own worlds, only caring about short term pleasure. Every time I even mention such a subject, they look at me weirdly - "well, no one likes to work, but there's still other fun things in life! You need to work to earn money or else you'll be hungry!" Am I the only one who finds it so disappointing that this is the majority's mindset?
If I had the chance to, I'd leave everyone and everything and go live into the wild on my own. But I can't. Not only do I have no experience, but I'm also a woman with chronic pain so another thing that makes it completely impossible.

Sorry for this long rant, I guess. I also apologize for any grammar mistakes, English isn't my first language and I'm tired from not sleeping well. I have no one to talk to about this. I'm so tired of everything.
Every day is the same meaningless things over and over again. My thoughts never shut up. I wish there was an easier way out. I've been wanting to kill myself for years but I still haven't found an accessible, reliable method.
It would be easier if I at least had someone to talk to - someone I could trust. But I guess I'll be alone and miserable until it's finally over.

 

[it's_all_a_game]

I agree completely with your 5th & 6th paragraphs.

 

[Umbreon]

Damn pretty relatable, all you got to do is escape the system. And what better way than to CTB.

 

[demuic]

I feel lost in my life.

I'm alone, I have no one to talk to. I've been depressed for years now. Everyone says it gets better but it doesn't.

It's slowly getting worse every day. I feel like I can barely function.
I can't go in public without feeling like I'm about to have a panic attack. I feel like this even when talking to my own family (I live with my parents). I usually have a "I don't care, it doesn't matter" mindset about most things, but I somehow can't apply it here. I freeze every time I have to socialize, I can't seem to figure out how to relax around people.
I used to have a few hobbies, but now I can't enjoy anything at all. Everything feels the same - boring, pointless and a waste of time.
I feel lonely and isolated all the time. I talk to people online sometimes but it isn't the same. Everywhere I look, I see happy people, and it makes me feel a weird kind of way - I suppose it's a mix of anger, sadness and jealousy? I can't relate to most people at all. I don't think I've ever been truly happy.
I can't think clearly. My thoughts are messy and don't make sense. It gets extremely uncomfortable so I have to distract myself all the time. And what is the easiest way to distract myself? By wasting time on the internet, of course. I spend way too much time online to the point it's bad for me. I feel like a hypocrite because I hate modern technology but I don't know what else to do. My thoughts turn into complete nonsense, the only way I can avoid it is by ignoring it.
I hate myself. I wish I could die. And I hate others for hurting me. I wish I could hurt them back. I won't because I'm not that kind of person and I know it's not worth it. But I can't get the thoughts out of my head.

I feel like there's no escape, no way to change my current situation. Therapy is a fucking scam.
I tried getting "help" when I was younger (or should I say, I was forced to). It wasn't helpful at all. I got on way too many high dose medications and I experienced bad side effects that no one warned me about. Psychiatrists never listened to me, my medical records and diagnoses are completely inaccurate and full of things I never said. I felt terrible. I was forced to hide my true feelings and I still can't forget it.
Now I've been out for a while. I don't have any contact with mental health workers anymore.
How do people think a random guy who pretends to care about my problems for money will help anything? Despite my doubts and awful experiences, I've actually started trying to find a new therapist - I suppose I could try to give it another chance, what do I have to lose? But then I found out how long the waiting lists are. Yeah, sure, I'll just ignore my problems for a year, that will work.
I don't even think I could trust a therapist again. I hate people who have authority over me, I hate knowing that they have the power to lock me up, that their words matter more than mine.

I know the problem isn't me. I'm not sick for not wanting to participate in a modern capitalist society where everyone only cares about money and themselves.
I can either become homeless, or work for a company that could replace me in a few days, for the rest of my life. How can people be happy with such a lifestyle? Work to get money, use the money to buy products to make you temporarily happy. Am I the only one who sees no point in this? I'm disgusted in how normalized overconsumption is. Children in poor underdeveloped countries have to work for the clothes and technology we buy without thinking about it.
There's almost no privacy anymore. Security cameras, digital tracking... you name it. And people are fine with it because it's convenient. But what about the long term consequences?
Look at the current coronavirus pandemic. I don't want to start conspiracy theories. I'd just like to point out the power the government has over the citizens. Making new laws and mandatory rules? Without any problem. And people are fine with it. Because it's for our own safety, apparently - sure, politicians definitely care about the people.
Look at the mental health system. People getting forcibly drugged, "treated" against their own will, like we're criminals - but what is the crime? Wanting to die? I don't need anyone "saving" me, doing things "for my own protection". But who gets to decide what is a mental illness and what isn't? Is there really something wrong with a person who doesn't want to work for a pointless job every day for the majority of their life? Or is this just what we're told to think, because the system needs quiet obedient workers to function?

How am I supposed to be happy in a world like this? And what do I have to live for if I'm alone for everything? It feels pointless. I can't change anything. People don't care, everyone is too selfish and apathetic, absorbed in their own worlds, only caring about short term pleasure. Every time I even mention such a subject, they look at me weirdly - "well, no one likes to work, but there's still other fun things in life! You need to work to earn money or else you'll be hungry!" Am I the only one who finds it so disappointing that this is the majority's mindset?
If I had the chance to, I'd leave everyone and everything and go live into the wild on my own. But I can't. Not only do I have no experience, but I'm also a woman with chronic pain so another thing that makes it completely impossible.

Sorry for this long rant, I guess. I also apologize for any grammar mistakes, English isn't my first language and I'm tired from not sleeping well. I have no one to talk to about this. I'm so tired of everything.
Every day is the same meaningless things over and over again. My thoughts never shut up. I wish there was an easier way out. I've been wanting to kill myself for years but I still haven't found an accessible, reliable method.
It would be easier if I at least had someone to talk to - someone I could trust. But I guess I'll be alone and miserable until it's finally over.

I completely agree.

Normal people are content with playing the game of life, but I never will be.

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

I agree with everything you said. People also treat each other like crap and value one another for superficial things. If you're different or have different values you get abused and ostracized.

 

[Some1's_Wasted_Fetus]

Damn pretty relatable, all you got to do is escape the system. And what better way than to CTB.

100% agree! I see it as an F U to society and defiance against the system. I would rather die than contribute as a wage-slave . So many "worker bees" are perfectly fine being slaves who's only purpose is to slave away all their life while the elites sit on their butts and "micromanage". I had a conversation with someone who felt guilty for taking a day off for the first time in 4 years. I don't understand society or the NPCs that live in it. I hate how compliant people are with the way things are. Sometimes I wish this whole corporate, capitalistic world would just crash in on itself for people to finally open their eyes. And for the greedy, elite scum of this Earth to stop capitalizing off the pain and suffering of wage-slaves

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Agree with you so much. We are in similar situations so if you ever need someone to chat to, feel free to message me. I know what it feels like to live with chronic pain for years and to be disabled in a world that only values you for your productivity.

Being unable to work a full time job really puts into perspective how much of a house of cards all of this is. Corporate culture is a visage. Those who get paid the most often work the least. The guy down at your local supermarket stocking freight from a lorry does far more labour than some overpaid manager sitting in a cubicle scrolling Facebook all day.

You can't mention this though, or people act like you're lazy. Since I became sick, it is physically impossible for me to work a full time job. I cannot get disability benefits. This leaves me reliant on others. People act like it's my fault and that I choose to be "manipulative and selfish" by not working.

Right now I am doing a degree I can barely handle because I was forced to do it, in hopes that it could lead to work. Most disabled people live in abject poverty, and society at large does not care. They believe that meritocracy is real and that those who aren't capitalist drones deserve to be in the bread lines because they didn't work hard enough.

No matter how many times I try to tell people that I cannot work in these strict confines of 40 hours a week due to illness, they just think it's laziness. This is one of the huge reasons that I want to ctb as well, because if my partner leaves me, I'm fucked.

The system is so filmsy, the past year has demonstrated quite well that most jobs are bullshit and the world only needs certain industries to function. Yet, the most zealous capitalists cling onto this illusion because they fear losing the massive amounts of wealth they've accumulated by doing nothing-i.e. Stocks, property portfolios, all that jazz.

I heard a man bragging in a shop that he owns 3 houses. 3 fucking houses that this man does not even live in and generates wealth from, yet we have homeless freezing to death in the streets? That's how messed up this world is, that some humans genuinely believe in the merit of borgiouse billionaires and allow them to own multiple mansions, while mocking their fellow men on "government handouts." who weren't lucky enough to inherit daddy's property portfolio.

 

[nasblue]

I agree with everything you say if that helps you at all.
Obviously the current state of the world isn't sustainable. It will eventually collapse but we may not see. Even then, would seeing it change anything? Things might devolve into chaos and then into something similar to this again. And inhumane suffering will always exist.
So the solution is simply non-existence.

 

[Good4Nothing]

I agree with everything, except the part about buying things to make us happy.

I can't afford things that make me happy.
All my money goes to paying living expenses. Once the bills are paid, there's nothing left.
Living is entirely too expensive.

 

[WornOutLife]

I'm alone, I have no one to talk to. I've been depressed for years now. Everyone says it gets better but it doesn't.

I can relate so much.
My parents, brother, nephew, students and you people on SS are the only humans I talk to, fortunately. Having none of you would really suck.

As for things getting better, hell yeah, that's a myth. I'm 33 and after my 30s nothing has improved, well, maybe my japanese skills did but then I suck! I'm fat, kinda alcoholic, bipolar, anti-social and I feel really old!

 

[Good4Nothing]

I feel lost in my life.

I'm alone, I have no one to talk to. I've been depressed for years now. Everyone says it gets better but it doesn't.

It's slowly getting worse every day. I feel like I can barely function.
I can't go in public without feeling like I'm about to have a panic attack. I feel like this even when talking to my own family (I live with my parents). I usually have a "I don't care, it doesn't matter" mindset about most things, but I somehow can't apply it here. I freeze every time I have to socialize, I can't seem to figure out how to relax around people.
I used to have a few hobbies, but now I can't enjoy anything at all. Everything feels the same - boring, pointless and a waste of time.
I feel lonely and isolated all the time. I talk to people online sometimes but it isn't the same. Everywhere I look, I see happy people, and it makes me feel a weird kind of way - I suppose it's a mix of anger, sadness and jealousy? I can't relate to most people at all. I don't think I've ever been truly happy.
I can't think clearly. My thoughts are messy and don't make sense. It gets extremely uncomfortable so I have to distract myself all the time. And what is the easiest way to distract myself? By wasting time on the internet, of course. I spend way too much time online to the point it's bad for me. I feel like a hypocrite because I hate modern technology but I don't know what else to do. My thoughts turn into complete nonsense, the only way I can avoid it is by ignoring it.
I hate myself. I wish I could die. And I hate others for hurting me. I wish I could hurt them back. I won't because I'm not that kind of person and I know it's not worth it. But I can't get the thoughts out of my head.

I feel like there's no escape, no way to change my current situation. Therapy is a fucking scam.
I tried getting "help" when I was younger (or should I say, I was forced to). It wasn't helpful at all. I got on way too many high dose medications and I experienced bad side effects that no one warned me about. Psychiatrists never listened to me, my medical records and diagnoses are completely inaccurate and full of things I never said. I felt terrible. I was forced to hide my true feelings and I still can't forget it.
Now I've been out for a while. I don't have any contact with mental health workers anymore.
How do people think a random guy who pretends to care about my problems for money will help anything? Despite my doubts and awful experiences, I've actually started trying to find a new therapist - I suppose I could try to give it another chance, what do I have to lose? But then I found out how long the waiting lists are. Yeah, sure, I'll just ignore my problems for a year, that will work.
I don't even think I could trust a therapist again. I hate people who have authority over me, I hate knowing that they have the power to lock me up, that their words matter more than mine.

I know the problem isn't me. I'm not sick for not wanting to participate in a modern capitalist society where everyone only cares about money and themselves.
I can either become homeless, or work for a company that could replace me in a few days, for the rest of my life. How can people be happy with such a lifestyle? Work to get money, use the money to buy products to make you temporarily happy. Am I the only one who sees no point in this? I'm disgusted in how normalized overconsumption is. Children in poor underdeveloped countries have to work for the clothes and technology we buy without thinking about it.
There's almost no privacy anymore. Security cameras, digital tracking... you name it. And people are fine with it because it's convenient. But what about the long term consequences?
Look at the current coronavirus pandemic. I don't want to start conspiracy theories. I'd just like to point out the power the government has over the citizens. Making new laws and mandatory rules? Without any problem. And people are fine with it. Because it's for our own safety, apparently - sure, politicians definitely care about the people.
Look at the mental health system. People getting forcibly drugged, "treated" against their own will, like we're criminals - but what is the crime? Wanting to die? I don't need anyone "saving" me, doing things "for my own protection". But who gets to decide what is a mental illness and what isn't? Is there really something wrong with a person who doesn't want to work for a pointless job every day for the majority of their life? Or is this just what we're told to think, because the system needs quiet obedient workers to function?

How am I supposed to be happy in a world like this? And what do I have to live for if I'm alone for everything? It feels pointless. I can't change anything. People don't care, everyone is too selfish and apathetic, absorbed in their own worlds, only caring about short term pleasure. Every time I even mention such a subject, they look at me weirdly - "well, no one likes to work, but there's still other fun things in life! You need to work to earn money or else you'll be hungry!" Am I the only one who finds it so disappointing that this is the majority's mindset?
If I had the chance to, I'd leave everyone and everything and go live into the wild on my own. But I can't. Not only do I have no experience, but I'm also a woman with chronic pain so another thing that makes it completely impossible.

Sorry for this long rant, I guess. I also apologize for any grammar mistakes, English isn't my first language and I'm tired from not sleeping well. I have no one to talk to about this. I'm so tired of everything.
Every day is the same meaningless things over and over again. My thoughts never shut up. I wish there was an easier way out. I've been wanting to kill myself for years but I still haven't found an accessible, reliable method.
It would be easier if I at least had someone to talk to - someone I could trust. But I guess I'll be alone and miserable until it's finally over.

I wanted to write a message on your profile, but I can't. I wanted to say grey is also my favorite color, I felt so symbolic yesterday, if I knew Picasso I would buy myself a grey guitar and play, and I appreciate that you spelled grey correctly. Some people spell it gray. Those people are wrong.

 

[Lmd]

History teaches us that humans are prone to shooting themselves in the foot. If it's not one thing, it's another and it has always been that way. Reflecting on it to understand what's wrong is cool and necessary but believe that you are not part of it or that you are special ... yeah ... There comes a point where everything seems an empty speech to excuse personal behaviors and deny the inability to adapt to a world that has always been wrong.

 

[Makko]

There comes a point where everything seems an empty speech to excuse personal behaviors and deny the inability to adapt to a world that has always been wrong.

I'd go as far as to say that the world being wrong is a good thing. I wouldn't know what to do with myself in a world that is right.

 

[naiad]

I feel you so much. The world is unfair and fucked up. I'm not fit to live in this world. Sometimes I would like to escape into the wilderness and die like Alexander Supertramp.
Reading your post comes to my mind a quote from "Fight Club" - "Slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our great war is a spiritual war. Our great depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars, but we won't. We're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off."

 

[profoundexperience]

It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.

— Jiddu Krishnamurti

 

[Despairing]

I feel lost in my life.

I'm alone, I have no one to talk to. I've been depressed for years now. Everyone says it gets better but it doesn't.

It's slowly getting worse every day. I feel like I can barely function.
I can't go in public without feeling like I'm about to have a panic attack. I feel like this even when talking to my own family (I live with my parents). I usually have a "I don't care, it doesn't matter" mindset about most things, but I somehow can't apply it here. I freeze every time I have to socialize, I can't seem to figure out how to relax around people.
I used to have a few hobbies, but now I can't enjoy anything at all. Everything feels the same - boring, pointless and a waste of time.
I feel lonely and isolated all the time. I talk to people online sometimes but it isn't the same. Everywhere I look, I see happy people, and it makes me feel a weird kind of way - I suppose it's a mix of anger, sadness and jealousy? I can't relate to most people at all. I don't think I've ever been truly happy.
I can't think clearly. My thoughts are messy and don't make sense. It gets extremely uncomfortable so I have to distract myself all the time. And what is the easiest way to distract myself? By wasting time on the internet, of course. I spend way too much time online to the point it's bad for me. I feel like a hypocrite because I hate modern technology but I don't know what else to do. My thoughts turn into complete nonsense, the only way I can avoid it is by ignoring it.
I hate myself. I wish I could die. And I hate others for hurting me. I wish I could hurt them back. I won't because I'm not that kind of person and I know it's not worth it. But I can't get the thoughts out of my head.

I feel like there's no escape, no way to change my current situation. Therapy is a fucking scam.
I tried getting "help" when I was younger (or should I say, I was forced to). It wasn't helpful at all. I got on way too many high dose medications and I experienced bad side effects that no one warned me about. Psychiatrists never listened to me, my medical records and diagnoses are completely inaccurate and full of things I never said. I felt terrible. I was forced to hide my true feelings and I still can't forget it.
Now I've been out for a while. I don't have any contact with mental health workers anymore.
How do people think a random guy who pretends to care about my problems for money will help anything? Despite my doubts and awful experiences, I've actually started trying to find a new therapist - I suppose I could try to give it another chance, what do I have to lose? But then I found out how long the waiting lists are. Yeah, sure, I'll just ignore my problems for a year, that will work.
I don't even think I could trust a therapist again. I hate people who have authority over me, I hate knowing that they have the power to lock me up, that their words matter more than mine.

I know the problem isn't me. I'm not sick for not wanting to participate in a modern capitalist society where everyone only cares about money and themselves.
I can either become homeless, or work for a company that could replace me in a few days, for the rest of my life. How can people be happy with such a lifestyle? Work to get money, use the money to buy products to make you temporarily happy. Am I the only one who sees no point in this? I'm disgusted in how normalized overconsumption is. Children in poor underdeveloped countries have to work for the clothes and technology we buy without thinking about it.
There's almost no privacy anymore. Security cameras, digital tracking... you name it. And people are fine with it because it's convenient. But what about the long term consequences?
Look at the current coronavirus pandemic. I don't want to start conspiracy theories. I'd just like to point out the power the government has over the citizens. Making new laws and mandatory rules? Without any problem. And people are fine with it. Because it's for our own safety, apparently - sure, politicians definitely care about the people.
Look at the mental health system. People getting forcibly drugged, "treated" against their own will, like we're criminals - but what is the crime? Wanting to die? I don't need anyone "saving" me, doing things "for my own protection". But who gets to decide what is a mental illness and what isn't? Is there really something wrong with a person who doesn't want to work for a pointless job every day for the majority of their life? Or is this just what we're told to think, because the system needs quiet obedient workers to function?

How am I supposed to be happy in a world like this? And what do I have to live for if I'm alone for everything? It feels pointless. I can't change anything. People don't care, everyone is too selfish and apathetic, absorbed in their own worlds, only caring about short term pleasure. Every time I even mention such a subject, they look at me weirdly - "well, no one likes to work, but there's still other fun things in life! You need to work to earn money or else you'll be hungry!" Am I the only one who finds it so disappointing that this is the majority's mindset?
If I had the chance to, I'd leave everyone and everything and go live into the wild on my own. But I can't. Not only do I have no experience, but I'm also a woman with chronic pain so another thing that makes it completely impossible.

Sorry for this long rant, I guess. I also apologize for any grammar mistakes, English isn't my first language and I'm tired from not sleeping well. I have no one to talk to about this. I'm so tired of everything.
Every day is the same meaningless things over and over again. My thoughts never shut up. I wish there was an easier way out. I've been wanting to kill myself for years but I still haven't found an accessible, reliable method.
It would be easier if I at least had someone to talk to - someone I could trust. But I guess I'll be alone and miserable until it's finally over.

Everything you said I resonate with.

 

[fishtacos4me]

I think that, too - that I want to go live alone on a island where I'm the only person, or up into the mountains where I could go years without hearing from this stupid world. I too, have too much pain to do it. I wish I could just escape this pain.
People scare me. Public scares me. Sometimes I have to leave a store before I'm done shopping because I just can't take another minute. I have worked from home for years, but now I need a second job. I'm gonna have to go out there and do it. I'm just not sure how.