Help I’m not good at supporting friends and I struggle with empathy

[Triangle]

My friend goes through extremely hard situations sometimes and I wish I could help. I really try to feel the immediacy and pain when I listen, but I just can't seem to grasp the emotions of the situations. I think I sound like I don't care, and sometimes he gets really hurt and believes that I don't care.

I don't know what to do. I really try to be supportive, everything I can think of from offering advice to trying to say calming things to expressing that I care. None of it works. I guess I just sound that uncaring when I try. How do I sound genuine? How am I supposed to relate to others better? People say that listening to others' struggles will broaden your empathy, but I just feel so distant and disconnected to anything outside my own mind. I can't ever think of the right things to say and he thinks I ignore him, or that I only say generic things because I don't really care.

I really just want to be there for my friend and give him a hug, but we live painfully far away and that's just not an option. He's very resilient but he doesn't have anybody in his local life who's caring and he's trapped in a harmful environment. I'm the only one who's there and I feel terrible for being unable to help.

 

[Soul]

I sympathise, @Triangle - for me at least empathy is something I have to consciously practice, and it can take a lot of effort. Maybe asking questions about what your friend is experiencing and how you could help is a good way to show you're paying attention and want to help.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Glad you spoke up.

It sounds like he is controlling, manipulative, and abusive.

In his world, everything is about him, your efforts are insufficient, and you are insufficient. He defines you for yourself, and the more you are confused, the more power he has to determine your reality and your actions. It doesn't matter what he wants or why he does it, what matters is that he does it. This is his way, he will not change.

I call bullshit on him.

You are not a supporting character in the grand drama of his life.



If you are interested, here are some resources:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/manipulation-tactics.31123/

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/resources-for-learning-boundaries.30500/#post-570304

 

[Triangle]

Glad you spoke up.

It sounds like he is controlling, manipulative, and abusive.

In his world, everything is about him, your efforts are insufficient, and you are insufficient. He defines you for yourself, and the more you are confused, the more power he has to determine your reality and your actions. It doesn't matter what he wants or why he does it, what matters is that he does it. This is his way, he will not change.

I call bullshit on him.

You are not a supporting character in the grand drama of his life.



If you are interested, here are some resources:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/manipulation-tactics.31123/

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/resources-for-learning-boundaries.30500/#post-570304

That doesn't sound accurate at all... He is a very supportive person when I'm having difficult times, and we have a mutually understanding friendship. I'm aware that his life situation is understandably stressful and I don't believe it's right to abandon someone who's been mistreated just because they might have trouble seeing that they are cared for. He does recognize when he lashes out and apologizes for it, and thanks me for trying to help even though I don't always do the right thing.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

That doesn't sound accurate at all... He is a very supportive person when I'm having difficult times, and we have a mutually understanding friendship. I'm aware that his life situation is understandably stressful and I don't believe it's right to abandon someone who's been mistreated just because they might have trouble seeing that they are cared for. He does recognize when he lashes out and apologizes for it, and thanks me for trying to help even though I don't always do the right thing.

Okay, clear picture now!

I'll put away my shield and sword and save them for actual unrighteousness. :)

He sounds like a good friend. He's human and admits his mistakes.

I'm sorry you're having these challenges, but I admire that you make such effort. You sound like a good friend, too. I know there are others on SS who have had similar struggles, I hope you get some good support here.