I'm not even sure WHY I want to to do it

[glad it’s night]

Over the past four years I've experienced a lot of growth. I started two creative projects that I am (was) passionate about. One is a book of 101 jokes. That project basically done I just need to finish a few of the illustrations and decide the order of the jokes and which ones to leave out, because I have around 600. The other project I have is a novel and I have about 100 pages of notes but haven't started writing it yet.

But lately I just can't find the will or the reason to do anything. The healthcare system does not seem to be able to help.

In theory I should have no reason to want to ctb. Money is ok. I'm having enough sex (actually taking a break because was wasting too much time with that).

But my mind keeps going back to...maybe I should check the darkweb for Pentobarbital.

I created this account in 2021. I would browse, made a few posts, sent a few messages but wasn't very active. And then I just logged on agaiN this year when I started feeling deadly again.

I had been using a lot of GHB, and perhaps my brain is all sorts of fucked up because of that.

I'm not even sad. I just...I don't know...maybe this is something to talk about with a psychiatrist or something but the healthcare system is so slow. Anyway if you made it this far, thank you for reading, I know this post is just about me but I wanted to get the feelings out. Hope y'all are having a good night.

 

[Vacuous]

Over the past four years I've experienced a lot of growth. I started two creative projects that I am (was) passionate about. One is a book of 101 jokes. That project basically done I just need to finish a few of the illustrations and decide the order of the jokes and which ones to leave out, because I have around 600. The other project I have is a novel and I have about 100 pages of notes but haven't started writing it yet.

These sound really neat. A book of jokes, I feel, is a traditional but oft neglected medium that I really would like to see have a resurgence in popularity, so this project is awesome. And one hundred pages of notes for a novel is immense and impressive in itself. That's a forensic level of planning that really stimulates one's imagination. What's the genre? What's it about? (Feel free to ignore these questions if you don't feel comfortable answering.) Both of these sound exciting, and I hope they turn out well!

In theory I should have no reason to want to ctb. Money is ok. I'm having enough sex (actually taking a break because was wasting too much time with that).

You should try and suppress the extent to which you feel the need to rationalize how you feel; it is conducive to pain in itself. What matters is what you're feeling, not whether you should be feeling it in the first place, which isn't a helpful notion. Acceptance is key here. Trying to run away from it or choosing to dance around it will only amplify the problem.

I created this account in 2021. I would browse, made a few posts, sent a few messages but wasn't very active. And then I just logged on agaiN this year when I started feeling deadly again.

Perhaps ultimately distancing yourself from the forum may be of use to you, since it seems to be reinforcing the thoughts.

I'm not even sad. I just...I don't know...maybe this is something to talk about with a psychiatrist or something but the healthcare system is so slow. Anyway if you made it this far, thank you for reading, I know this post is just about me but I wanted to get the feelings out. Hope y'all are having a good night.

I think seeing a psychiatrist is definitely appropriate, but in the meantime, I would recommend being open about how you're feeling to people in whatever way you can. This forum is a good start, since you use it anyway, but you should aspire to work towards seeking help in a more healthy capacity.

You are, and will continue to be, safe. Take care.