I'm not a good person.

[RileyTanaka]

As time goes on and I continue suffering with little release, I feel I'm becoming a worse person overall. I used to be compassionate, caring, and concerned about others; I was very concerned with being ethical and upright in my beliefs, behaviors, and actions. Now I could care less.

It's hard to maintain good will with others, and I certainly wasn't winning any popularity contests before either. When I saw the news the other day about the riots in the U.S. and the police brutality, I didn't feel anything. That kind of thing would have outraged me 4-5 years ago. I also feel like I'm justifying my own selfish actions because I have grown to believe most people are just acting out of self-interest anyway. This is not who I used to be but the constant pain and suffering is draining my "true" self out of me.

Can anyone relate? I hate who I've become.

 

[Soulless_Angel]

Yep I feel you, those riots,I am not interested,
I am turning more selfish the more the months of being here pass, Ive always been one to cause arguments, be blunt, and generally piss people off, and ya know what? I don't fucking care!

 

[Deleted member 17331]

This is a fact, which may happen to the vast majority of people. In my perception, we are daily required to have a certain perfection, which is something in my view, as humanly impossible and tiring.

We have intense feelings and sometimes we feel nothing. Often, we have no control over them. This is crazy.

 

[TheNorthernSilence]

Oh yes, I can relate to this. Or at least I think that I've changed for the worse. I used to care so much more when I was younger, but I guess I was naive too. I do realize that not all things are in my control.

 

[moonchild]

Yeah, I totally feel this. One one hand, I hate that I don't care and I feel kind of ashamed of it. It's not the kind of person I want to be. But at the same time, now that I don't personally care, it annoys me so much how people passionately rant about the Topic of the Week™, before moving on to the next thing. This isn't specific to the riots, just in general. There's always something and people always have so many opinions and put so much effort into what they think will bring about a change, and then pat themselves on the back for it and forget all about it the week after. Not saying everyone's like that, but it's like I can't even relate to genuinely caring anymore, which makes me feel even more ashamed because damn, why am I so bitter? I AM the annoying person.

However, being bad and being numb is not the same. It's fine if you don't like that you are like this, but I hope you can see that it doesn't make you a bad person.

 

[Epsilon0]

In my experience, prolongued suffering can lead to a loss of empathy and interest in other people's crises. When I was struggling with anxiety on a daily basis, it was as if I was living in a dark tunnel - all I could see were my own hands and my own feet. I could not even register what was going on around me, let alone care.

I don't think you are a bad person @RileyTanaka

Sometimes our brains cannot process other people's suffering because we already have too much to deal it.

 

[RileyTanaka]

In my experience, prolongued suffering can lead to a loss of empathy and interest in other people's crises. When I was struggling with anxiety on a daily basis, it was as if I was living in a dark tunnel - all I could see were my own hands and my own feet. I could not even register what was going on around me, let alone care.

I don't think you are a bad person @RileyTanaka

Sometimes our brains cannot process other people's suffering because we already have too much to deal it.

Thank you so much. I can forgive myself at least a little bit because I think you are right. The only problem is that I've become a misanthrope as well.

 

[itsamadworld]

I live near Minneapolis. The only time I cared was if the riots could affect me. I think in the USA and maybe elsewhere, but since I live here, I know many people who are just Burnt-out and experiencing Compassion Fatigue. You know what really makes me feel like a sociopath, when those Poverty-Porn commercials come on the TV with those poor little fly covered naked african children....I feel nothing, but rage at the parents for having so many children! My heart used to bleed for people, but now I see those people as just out for their own interests. If they really thought about their children, they would fight for birthcontrol! If a country accepts vaccinations for children, family planning and sticking to it needs to be mandatory...I am just sick of people because there are too many people on the planet and too many needs! This leads to compassion fatigue.... and I agree with you, people are just out for their own self-interests.....

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

If your inner resources keep getting drained and are not replenished, there's nothing left to give. That's not being a bad person. That's fatigue. Sounds more like you're not experiencing reciprocity or having opportunities to recharge.

 

[itsamadworld]

When I saw the news the other day about the riots in the U.S. and the police brutality, I didn't feel anything.

Oh, more in regards to this.I guess I do care a bit. My sister and I did go down to the site of George Floyd in Minneapolis and walked around to help for cleanup and donations. A lot of burned buildings, smashed in windows. The target SUpermarket was burned down too! YOU know what, Target only pays someone 13 dollars an hour, and the sign stating the hourly pay is very visible to every one! ONLY 13 dollars and HOUR ! NOONE Can make it on that wage in this area! And I am very happy that Target was targeted, looted and burned...teehee.

And I am very happy that black people got their voice to express their pain, and that they will hopefully get justice in the system!! Some of them really did get a shitty hand and very shitty upbringings! And the history that developed between that community and the police is very nuanced and complicated. Oh the minneapolis police station building was burned.....Well, SO I hope that at least changes the relationship for the better......uuuugg hope!! ....

But not to minimize their pain at all, but I think the riots were also Class war-fare related too! I say this because I heard it was all races doing the rioting and the looting.(((( But with all the fake news I think it will be difficult to get the entire truth about much in this world, So that's why I don't care too much)))) ANd life sucks for everyone, but I wanted to see the aftermath of the war! ..... I also took photos of spray paint art that said things like "fuck the new world order" and various fuck the system messages sprayed-painted all over.... SO that is also why i think it was Class motivated......And I would totally love to see the system fall.....I don't know, I'm jaded by the modern world....

But I mean 13 dollars an hour!! it's either prison, poverty, or places like target! All sound like shitty options! The system needs to be shaken. WHy not start with the prison system, which the USA has the highest incarceration rates worldwide! Does it keep us safer? IDK? I think the riots needed to happen, becuz people everywhere are frustrated, myself included. So I don't blame em!

I also think I can care more about Minneapolis than I could for example I mentioned the Poverty Porn. I think those commercials should be banned actually, lol, because I think being more tribal /community focused is more natural for humans..... SO it's it's easier for me to empathize with my co-workers and neighbors etc regardless of color , than some other country.

 

[Matthias_k]

I think it's pretty impossible to really care about others when you don't even care about yourself. Now I only truly care about the very few people I really love, for things I can see and feel. Everything else is just noise.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

As time goes on and I continue suffering with little release, I feel I'm becoming a worse person overall. I used to be compassionate, caring, and concerned about others; I was very concerned with being ethical and upright in my beliefs, behaviors, and actions. Now I could care less.

It's hard to maintain good will with others, and I certainly wasn't winning any popularity contests before either. When I saw the news the other day about the riots in the U.S. and the police brutality, I didn't feel anything. That kind of thing would have outraged me 4-5 years ago. I also feel like I'm justifying my own selfish actions because I have grown to believe most people are just acting out of self-interest anyway. This is not who I used to be but the constant pain and suffering is draining my "true" self out of me.

Can anyone relate? I hate who I've become.

Also a big part why I want to kill this person I have become, I see it as we at least become 3 different people in life, the person you were as a child, teenager and adult aren´t the same person you clothing has changed style even your whole personality and I hate who I´ve become I used to have so many friends because I had such an amazing personality and also nice style (in my teens) I was a fun and cool person to be around now I am nothing like that I am the exact opposite of what I used to be.

 

[RileyTanaka]

If your inner resources keep getting drained and are not replenished, there's nothing left to give. That's not being a bad person. That's fatigue. Sounds more like you're not experiencing reciprocity or having opportunities to recharge.

To some extent you are right. Being ill means living in a lower plane of life than everyone else because 1. Other people don't understand what I have to go through everyday just to function, 2. I don't have the inner resources (whatever that entails) to maintain good will, and 3. I've learned through negative experience that most people are just going to take what they need and the relationship will be temporary anyway (whether it's 1 month or 10 years). It just sucks.

 

[lululoo]

I relate to this tons. I've actually been thinking about it a lot lately, especially with the protests. It's nice to know I'm not alone.
I just don't care about things like I used to. It's like I have zero generosity anymore toward anyone. I tend to just focus on my own hardships (traumatic childhood, long term depression and chronic illness) and they are so overwhelming that it's hard for me to have anything to give to others.

 

[LastFlowers]

Apathy and conceivably negative emotions are par for the course when one has endured tremendous suffering. And other people love to vilify the suffering individuals for the inevitable. But I don't think you are to blame for such a thing, the situations that land people on this website are capable of corroding even the most morally well-to-do human beings.