I’m no longer rational. I think I may just have to hang tomorrow.

[dropdeadfred]

I have tried soooooooo hard to manage my unmanageable life. I think I may actually have gone insane in doing so. The facade is crumbling.

As some of you know, I have wanted to go out looking like I died accidentally as to not hurt my daughter in such a way & I failed a very serious (& close) attempt a couple of weeks ago via hypercapnia while she was in the care of another. I am a single parent (for her whole life) & she is done with my bullshit. I used to be a good mom & then everything came crashing down. Tonight, she told me that she wants to be adopted. She doesn't deserve a shell of a parent, but I don't know how to remedy that. Fuck me- I swear I've tried everything, for her & myself... but mainly for her.

I have failed so hard, fam. I never wanted to be the parent who offed themself. It's like a nightmare become reality. I can only gather that I must be terribly mentally ill to make such a choice. I doubt she'll ever forgive me if she knows I chose to leave, but I'm afraid I've reached the "at any cost" point. I just fuck her up more & more. I am a bedridden mess & I shouldn't even be alive to begin with. Hanging has always been my preferred method due to the comfort of strangling as self harm. So, maybe this is goodbye because I've fucking cracked.
& Before any asshole jumps in here, talking about shit they know nothing about... I just want you to know that nasty/pro-life comments won't change anything. I love my daughter, she will be more than loved & cared for, & I've tried everything I know. I literally feel like my entire existence is atrophied, my mental state has been in rapid decline for months, & it's not your place to demand that I stay alive. & If your intent would be to hurt me even more than I already am over this, good luck.

 

[greebo6]

I am just going to send you a hug (NO pro life stuff / lectures) and say its clear you are a loving mother and you did try your best. I'm sorry its got this bad.

 

[dropdeadfred]

I am just going to send you a hug (NO pro life stuff / lectures) and say its clear you are a loving mother and you did try your best. I'm sorry its got this bad.

Thank you so much. I don't know if you could have any idea how much this means to me. My life makes no sense, how things could ever get to this point.

 

[greebo6]

I can understand it must be overwhelming.
(Don't worry this ISN'T going to turn into a pro life lecture .I respect your feelings and choices)
People sometimes say things they don't mean and we often hurt the most the ones we love the most. We lash out and don't think. Frustration and anger gets the better of us.
Despite the harsh words I'm sure she knows you love her. And she loves you too I'm sure.
Life can be horribly unfair. We get lost. We make mistakes. Or life just hurts us. That's why most of us are here sadly.
You said you did your best. I believe sincerely you did. That's all you can do.
I'm just sorry its come to this for you.
Take care.

 

[lonelymountaingirl]

I am saddened to read you're in this place but absolutely understand feeling so gone that ctb is the only solution.

Do take care.

Be seeing you.

 

[Weightoftheworld]

As a single mother myself, I just want to say, I understand. You are NOT alone with these feelings. You are not a terrible person or mother for having these feelings. Breathe, love. I'm sending you all the hugs I possibly can because I understand this horrible constantly torn battle you have to go through each day because I also do.

 

[peacechoice]

Honey, it is not my place to patronize you for your choices. In an ideal world, parents wouldn't CTB. However, this world is not ideal. I really believe that, but again, it is not my place to comment. It is not your fault that life has been cruel. I do not know the pain you've gone through, so if that makes you be at peace then just make sure that is the choice you are the most comfortable with.

 

[Ghost2211]

Sending you hugs. I hope you find peace in whatever you choose.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I don't know if your daughter knows about your recent attempt, but I hope you'll leave something that tells her that her words didn't cause this attempt if you do so, and that she won't be on the premises.

This is so sad and I'm genuinely, compassionately sorry you're going through this. I wish I had the ability to fix everything for you. If you can keep going and want to, I hope you get all the support you need. If you can't, I wish you a peaceful passing and that your daughter has the best support and the most gentle recovery.

 

[Lilacmoon]

-hugs- Whatever you have to do, I hope you find the peace you're searching for.

 

[dropdeadfred]

Most incredible community in the world. Thank you all so much. If I decide to go, I will be as mindful as possible concerning all involved, especially of the poor kid who had nothing to do with my decision. Life is ultimately so unfair.

 

[iftheworldwasending]

i'm sending you all my love and thoughts. having a parent who was absolutely horrendous to me, i can tell you just by reading what you've said, you've been an incredible parent. you care and that's what truly matters. i would have killed to have someone like you in my life growing up, and they will absolutely see that one day.
here if you need someone to talk to in the remaining moments.

 

[dropdeadfred]

i'm sending you all my love and thoughts. having a parent who was absolutely horrendous to me, i can tell you just by reading what you've said, you've been an incredible parent. you care and that's what truly matters. i would have killed to have someone like you in my life growing up, and they will absolutely see that one day.
here if you need someone to talk to in the remaining moments.

& Yet, you defied the odds of your situation & kept your beautiful heart. Amazing. Thank you so much.

 

[TattiQueen]

Perfection and happiness are mainly a facade in our case. I'm so sorry that you feel hopeless. It's very clear how much you love her and that you've tried extremely hard dear. May I suggest you leave something for her letting her know this? Assure her that any choice you've made regarding this choice was not a reflection of your love for her, express to her it's impossible to accurately relate how dear she is to you. Also that none of this is her fault or a result of anything she has done. Fighting as hard as you have, as long as you have should accurately portray to her your struggle to overcome and how important and meaningful she is to you. I'm sure that she can recognize the struggle, as just reading your post I can hear the pain, despair, and regret in feeling you may have to move forward. She will always love you. No matter where you go from here, we love you! I hope your heart finds peace and mind finds rest, love. Sending the largest, warmest, tightest of hugs, bundles of positivity, and all my love. Xoxo

 

[dropdeadfred]

Perfection and happiness are mainly a facade in our case. I'm so sorry that you feel hopeless. It's very clear how much you love her and that you've tried extremely hard dear. May I suggest you leave something for her letting her know this? Assure her that any choice you've made regarding this choice was not a reflection of your love for her, express to her it's impossible to accurately relate how dear she is to you. Also that none of this is her fault or a result of anything she has done. Fighting as hard as you have, as long as you have should accurately portray to her your struggle to overcome and how important and meaningful she is to you. I'm sure that she can recognize the struggle, as just reading your post I can hear the pain, despair, and regret in feeling you may have to move forward. She will always love you. No matter where you go from here, we love you! I hope your heart finds peace and mind finds rest, love. Sending the largest, warmest, tightest of hugs, bundles of positivity, and all my love. Xoxo

If I had tears to cry, I so would right now. You are very wise. It is a big goal of mine that I do try to help her recognize her worth to me & how it was never her fault that I fell apart. Thank you for the emphasis on that as well. I love you guys too!

 

[Amumu]

Good luck, friend
I acknowledge the title was surprising since you seem to be rational... aren't you?
Peace

 

[dropdeadfred]

Good luck, friend
I acknowledge the title was surprising since you seem to be rational... aren't you?
Peace

Thank you. That was a major freak out. I've collected myself more now & am considering other options. The weight was all too heavy last night. I really don't want to leave my child behind like this.
You all are amazing.
Edit: Unless I go "insane" again, I have decided to go with SN, as I don't want her to envision my body hanging for the rest of her life, when my time comes.

I just want to say "thank you" to a specific member for the ignorant, rude PM. I was not surprised, as I've seen this person making crass comments on other threads recently. You've been reported, son.

 

[Amumu]

Thank you. That was a major freak out. I've collected myself more now & am considering other options. The weight was all too heavy last night. I really don't want to leave my child behind like this.
You all are amazing.

That's amazing Fred. We're glad you're still with us.

 

[lifesucksxoxo]

I have tried soooooooo hard to manage my unmanageable life. I think I may actually have gone insane in doing so. The facade is crumbling.

As some of you know, I have wanted to go out looking like I died accidentally as to not hurt my daughter in such a way & I failed a very serious (& close) attempt a couple of weeks ago via hypercapnia while she was in the care of another. I am a single parent (for her whole life) & she is done with my bullshit. I used to be a good mom & then everything came crashing down. Tonight, she told me that she wants to be adopted. She doesn't deserve a shell of a parent, but I don't know how to remedy that. Fuck me- I swear I've tried everything, for her & myself... but mainly for her.

I have failed so hard, fam. I never wanted to be the parent who offed themself. It's like a nightmare become reality. I can only gather that I must be terribly mentally ill to make such a choice. I doubt she'll ever forgive me if she knows I chose to leave, but I'm afraid I've reached the "at any cost" point. I just fuck her up more & more. I am a bedridden mess & I shouldn't even be alive to begin with. Hanging has always been my preferred method due to the comfort of strangling as self harm. So, maybe this is goodbye because I've fucking cracked.
& Before any asshole jumps in here, talking about shit they know nothing about... I just want you to know that nasty/pro-life comments won't change anything. I love my daughter, she will be more than loved & cared for, & I've tried everything I know. I literally feel like my entire existence is atrophied, my mental state has been in rapid decline for months, & it's not your place to demand that I stay alive. & If your intent would be to hurt me even more than I already am over this, good luck.

Why not get SN

 

[dropdeadfred]

Why not get SN

I actually just ordered it for when the time comes, just to have it. It seems like a necessary bottle to have in the cabinet no matter what happens, you know? & It's a much better vision of me than anything else for my daughter & hopefully, relatively peaceful once I get my hands on some benzos. Otherwise, my anxiety will sabotage it.