greyblue_bian
2x Failed CTB Member
- Jun 10, 2022
- 164
I have friends now. Both off and online. Maybe I can only really say I have 2 definitive friends in person and 1 person I've met here but that's really all. Just to clarify for the rest of this rant.
It's passed the timespan I had planned to CTB at this point. I've been in and out of wondering if I should try catching the bus again at all. To describe how I'm doing now in comparison to before, I think I'm fine. My behavior says otherwise and for a week or so I was doing better in terms of taking care of myself, but I've fallen off for a while and right now only have the ability to muster up enough energy to get 2-3 things done around the house. I haven't even been paying attention to my eating so I forget to eat most of the time. I haven't been paying attention to my money anymore and I've decided to just drop out of this semester of school. I think I'm also terrified of hurting my friends and my cousins. I'm just really tired and I can't really do it anymore. I'm trying and I've tried nearly everything I know to make efforts at getting better but nothing's worked. My ex-boyfriend has said and done a lot to me during and after I found out he was cheating and every time I talk to someone I can hear it. Everytime I see someone who has even the slightest similar feature to him or to the girl he cheated with or to his friends, I can hear everything again and it won't go away. I'm scared to talk to people in person more than before. I'm scared to post what I like on my blog in fear they will make other accounts just to laugh at me more. I can't even lay down or sit in solitude and do something without hearing the things that they've ( or he ) said about me. I'm just going to accept everything that they've said about me even though I know none of it is true because I don't know anymore, it's easier to give up. I might as well give them the satisfaction and kill myself.
It's passed the timespan I had planned to CTB at this point. I've been in and out of wondering if I should try catching the bus again at all. To describe how I'm doing now in comparison to before, I think I'm fine. My behavior says otherwise and for a week or so I was doing better in terms of taking care of myself, but I've fallen off for a while and right now only have the ability to muster up enough energy to get 2-3 things done around the house. I haven't even been paying attention to my eating so I forget to eat most of the time. I haven't been paying attention to my money anymore and I've decided to just drop out of this semester of school. I think I'm also terrified of hurting my friends and my cousins. I'm just really tired and I can't really do it anymore. I'm trying and I've tried nearly everything I know to make efforts at getting better but nothing's worked. My ex-boyfriend has said and done a lot to me during and after I found out he was cheating and every time I talk to someone I can hear it. Everytime I see someone who has even the slightest similar feature to him or to the girl he cheated with or to his friends, I can hear everything again and it won't go away. I'm scared to talk to people in person more than before. I'm scared to post what I like on my blog in fear they will make other accounts just to laugh at me more. I can't even lay down or sit in solitude and do something without hearing the things that they've ( or he ) said about me. I'm just going to accept everything that they've said about me even though I know none of it is true because I don't know anymore, it's easier to give up. I might as well give them the satisfaction and kill myself.
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