Venting I'm new here. I am mentally exhausted and being forced to push on despite that

[I_hate_existing]

I am 22 male. I am suffering from severe depression for 7 years. Thanks to this illness, my cognitive abilities have been affected. I think, read and memorize too slow. It feels like a challenge to keep up with everyone. I had remained a NEET for 2 years because of that. Thankfully, the antidepressants I was prescribed worked for me somewhat. My mind has cleared up a bit and I recently joined uni. But my mind is still not as capable as the minds of everyone around me. Even as I write this, I am taking too much time. With my current mental capacity, I have to focus, study and get through somehow. It is really stressful. I can't go on but I have to. I don't want to do any of this, i just want to disappear. But I can't disappear because I am too much of a coward to pull off any of the methods, except maybe taking N (but where I am from, I don't know if I'll even be able to get it). I have to study cause I can't risk starving in the future if I don't die. Fuck this life. 8 hours of uni and 2.5 hours of commuting (uni is too far), it is just too much for me.
I don't want anything from life. I hate life and what it has to offer. There is barely anything good. I just want to not exist. Life is already bad enough in my opinion but I had to get a mental illness too. I am struggling for nothing, for fucking nothing

 

[pole]

sorry you feel this way. i can definitely relate. past year or so, i feel like my brain and what not has definitely taken a step back and ive gotten slower in a sense. it also takes me 2 hours to get to university and back. I have to wake up at 4 am during the weekdays just to get ready. for some days, im at school from 8am till 11pm with 4 classes in one day. its EXTREMELY exhausting indeed, so tiring. It isnt just school that tires me, its my anxiety, my thinking, my negativity, my sadness, just life in general. but iv been trying to get better and i guess school can be used as a distraction for me.

i hope you do well in school, and great things happen through school and in your life as a whole that stop you from dwelling on the negatives. wish you well and hope you find peace and happiness.

 

[cryptic_cynic]

I feel exactly the same way.

Welcome.

 

[I_hate_existing]

sorry you feel this way. i can definitely relate. past year or so, i feel like my brain and what not has definitely taken a step back and ive gotten slower in a sense. it also takes me 2 hours to get to university and back. I have to wake up at 4 am during the weekdays just to get ready. for some days, im at school from 8am till 11pm with 4 classes in one day. its EXTREMELY exhausting indeed, so tiring. It isnt just school that tires me, its my anxiety, my thinking, my negativity, my sadness, just life in general. but iv been trying to get better and i guess school can be used as a distraction for me.

i hope you do well in school, and great things happen through school and in your life as a whole that stop you from dwelling on the negatives. wish you well and hope you find peace and happiness.

8am to 11pm? That's unbelievably worse. I am sorry you have to go through that
I am also trying to use school to distract me
Thank you. I wish you all the same and hope things get better for you

 

[pole]

8am to 11pm? That's unbelievably worse. I am sorry you have to go through that
I am also trying to use school to distract me
Thank you. I wish you all the same and hope things get better for you

i have 4 classes in one day on some days during the week. and i have about 5 hour breaks after the first two, but it takes WAY TOO LONG (2 HOURS) to get back home. so i sleep and study in the library.. it sucks.

no it isnt, my pain isnt greater than urs. we both are suffering equally. dont undervalue and minimize what ur going through. i hope for you, that the positivity, ur grades and doing well outshines and payes off the exhaustion in traveling to school and studying, etc.