I'm new and and planning to ctb at the end of this year. Any help appreciated.

[kotaigold]

I'll be blunt that I've become too numb to repeat my story again and again or why exactly it's come to this. The best I can do in the meanwhile is try hard not to think anymore about much. In short I've given life all I could, I just want to rest peacefully for once without being further judged or feeling like I'm trying to hurt others by doing this or manipulate people into staying in contact with me. There's no turning back, and despite how I've been treated I don't threaten others with my death in any wrong way.

It would be nice to not have dreams or nightmares anymore, only waking each day in a reality that feels just as awful and fake. I lucid dream often too, and always have a reoccurring dream about 3's, trinity. Since I was born, I can remember these dreams as far back in my crib as an infant as insane as that sounds. Somehow I feel I knew this day would come, I'd give up completely. I'm always reaching or chasing something I never can get to as well. Oddly significant given my entire life, all the relationships I've developed and lost and my age, 33 this year. And all the events that have transpired all in this year alone. The betrayal, again.

I'm not naive enough to believe everything works out for everyone. I feel anyone who could, is just being unrealistic and shallow, as there are so many people in this world. Just like me, no matter what they do, how they try. They get no chance. Some far less a chance than my life could ever picture. It's maddening to me, when people say everything exists for a reason, everything happens for a reason. That is a complete delusion man has built to better detract themselves from the truth. And others who shy from death so often, as a taboo. I've always known death, pain well. More so than I'd like to speak of here.

I don't have a lot of money for any medications to help assist in this. So I came here, wondering if anyone has any better methods. I don't think it's an option for me to do this painlessly. I'm thinking I'll possibly find somewhere in the woods or maybe a low bridge with a ditch, I can hang myself and won't be found for sometime. I thought about jumping but I'd rather spare the people in the morning finding my splattered corpse.

Sadly with as much hate and darkness I've developed in my heart, I still am too considerate of everyone around me. Even though I hate myself for being human, or a living being in general. As I've honestly started to believe there might be something truly wrong with living things in general. As to maybe why there is very little life outside of earth that can be visibly seen even with our technology.

Any help would be appreciated. I'm far beyond the point of friends, or any connections like that anymore. For me to trust another human, I can't. I've wasted my entire life trusting people. I just need help escaping this constant pain now.

 

[Silvermorning]

Welcome to the SS club, I'm sorry you are in so much pain. As for methods you might take a look at the mega threads.

I also hate myself a lot of times for being human, or that there's something seriously wrong with living things. Nature is just too cruel, but thats probably also our disassociation and the long term effects of depression and isolation on our brain.

Lots of love.

 

[Soul]

I'm sorry you're struggling. The best place to start is probably the resource section:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/suicide-resource-compilation.3/

 

[Umbrellaterm]

What's the dream about?

 

[kotaigold]

Welcome to the SS club, I'm sorry you are in so much pain. As for methods you might take a look at the mega threads.

I also hate myself a lot of times for being human, or that there's something seriously wrong with living things. Nature is just too cruel, but that's probably also our disassociation and the long term effects of depression and isolation on our brain.

Lots of love.

I always have a lot to say. I'm sorry in advance. I also enjoy writing, or did I guess. Some people used to appreciate it, not so much anymore.

About the comment on life and your self hate as well. I wish I didn't have to feel so immature or wrong for feeling this way towards life. I've tried in every way to hold onto the more beautiful sides of it, and it gets a bit frustrating many often feel I'm incapable of seeing that. I am not just pure negativity. I just always see the twisted more, it's like that movie with Ryan Gosling, United States of Leland. I just can't help but always see the underlying problems in life. I just feel even without humans, this world is still kind of a really messed up place if you truly look at it. Like if it were honestly your first time as a species, that never experienced anything like this on earth or even remotely acted the same. And were just watching from afar, it would be one ghastly show.

Not that people aren't capable of being strong, and pushing through it all. But strength can only take you so far. Maybe others understand, but ironically all my life, I've been told how strong I am. How strong my mind must be, to have gone through so much, and still keep carrying on. Everyone has a limit, it's natural. I wish they knew how weak I actually am. Everyone has left me thinking I'd be so strong on my own, better off.. Heh.

I'm not trying to be deep or act like I'm special for thinking this. I'm sorry if that comes off wrong or offends anyone. Without the balance of diversity, even animals would destroy things the same humans have. All these things eat at me, and have made it even more difficult to deal with life in general. And we know as much with our intelligence and studies of history. It just keeps repeating, ever so sadly.. As much as I'd like to hope differently, believe in the hopes others tell me to hold onto. That things could ever possibly change for the better, for everyone. History has never shown anything different and we still as whole, and in society continually keep making the same exact mistakes at a great cost.

I get a strong feeling, humanity is taking a big turn for the worst to come yet. I truly don't want to know what the next generation will bring and thinking of going through another year of this is too much. As for my final decision.

I guess one reason it's always been difficult for me to be happy, is because I never cared much about my own happiness. Seeing others suffer, seeing others just as depressed as me. That always has hurt so much more. Seeing people in other parts of the world, who are born without even a single chance or even having anything good happen to them, breaks my heart that anything like that could exist. That we as a people have such a high level of intelligence but can treat each other so incredibly poorly.

The nigh-night method was what I looking for. I didn't think of a ratchet, but that should work perfectly with some thick cloth surrounding my neck for added pressure on the arteries between the strap. I know it will work, from being in a choke hold before. That it is in fact pretty painless and very fast too. I'll be passed out before my body realizes anyway to fight back this time. This will be my third attempt, and I pray my last.

12-31 will be my day. My last year. Just getting through some back log of games I always said I'd finish. As I don't get much enjoyment in anything at all, and any time I've smiled I've had to force myself, to delude myself of the pain that quickly comes back. But it keeps my busy until then. Keeps the darkness at bay to escape the cold reality I have to face everyday.

I'm trying hard to meditate each day also to clear the negativity in my thoughts before I go. I do hate being born, I do hate being human and mostly all life, based on how I see it functions. I still know I've done the best I could. And I take pride, deep pride in that, knowing I've always respected others no matter how much they hurt me.

Thank you a lot for those responding as I write. Sometimes that alone can just mean so much to not be ignored.

And for anyone feeling the same, knowing they can't escape this pain anymore, and only through death. Try hard to go peacefully, I can't stress that enough. Don't take this pain, hate or whatever it is, making you feel this way, with you.

I know first hand how painful and alone one can feel to get to this point, but it should be a relief. Death is just as much apart of life as anything else, whether it's years of torture until I die or doing it soon. Makes no difference how my life will end, always alone in my own head.

 

[Umbrellaterm]

That we as a people have such a high level of intelligence but can treat each other so incredibly poorly.

To me it makes a lot of sense.

 

[kotaigold]

What's the dream about?

One that has always stuck out for instance, is when I was just a baby. My mother being abused heavily by my father and hearing her screams as she was stabbed by him. I remember those nights well as a baby, crazy enough. I can even remember the color of my crib, what it looked like and how in as a child of 2 years old. I'd have these dreams of 3 dogs, barking at me viciously and biting me into a corner. That was reoccurring for a very long time. Ever since, I've always had extremely vivid lucid dreams like that, that always played out in three parts or always had some form or representation of 3 signified in some way. So much so, I'd even awake sometimes between these parts, only to again have them repeat in three's as soon as I fell back asleep. Ending on the third scene.

I am a spiritual guy, but I don't fall into religion in that way. I don't necessarily believe in a devil or some thing controlling or watching over us. It was just significant to me for some reason I knew 3 would mean something eventually, I just never knew what. Everything has come full circle on my 33rd birthday. Even more weird, everything right after that moment has been falling apart in ways I can't begin to understand or control anymore. Way they never had before.

Whether it's all just a coincidence I don't know. I do know that the pain has become too much to bare alone anymore, as I've always tried as hard as I could not to burden others in a way they feel used or manipulated by me. Sadly everyone thinks that of me, that I just want someone who can share my pain. Which has never been the case.

And upon studying it further, this trinity phenomenon. It can mean a lot, but the most basic representation I took from it was a constant loop. Which makes perfect sense for someone like me. No matter what I've done, how different the people were or even the experiences with them. It has always ended the same for me. Always.

 

[Umbrellaterm]

Couldn't it just represent your parents and yourself? That's 3 persons.

I strongly believe dreams are our subconscious mind trying to process our time awake (in order to survive mentally).

In your case it seems like you've been in some kind of trauma and your subconscious cannot make sense of it, hence the repeating dreams.

 

[Silvermorning]

I find your writing very inspirational @kotaigold. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

To me it makes a lot of sense.

I didn't get exactly what you meant. That intelligence breeds cruelty?

 

[Umbrellaterm]

I find your writing very inspirational @kotaigold. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.


I didn't get exactly what you meant. That intelligence breeds cruelty?

Basically, yes.

 

[kotaigold]

Couldn't it just represent your parents and yourself? That's 3 persons.

I strongly believe dreams are our subconscious mind trying to process our time awake (in order to survive mentally).

In your case it seems like you've been in some kind of trauma and your subconscious cannot make sense of it, hence the repeating dreams.

I've definitely gone through a lot of trauma, both with my own two hands and at the hands of others. But weirdly I never cared not having a good father, it truly hasn't bothered me at all and I honestly still to this day don't fully understand those who always had to have two parents to feel whole. I was always thankful to just have one decent one, or anyone taking care of me, even though that got all screwed up over time as well.

I never even held much against him for what he did. He was a murderer, and my mother wasn't the only victim. My mother left him, shortly after that thankfully. So we were somewhat safe for sometime until he got arrested, in trying to find us again.

Regardless the loop doesn't stop. And I only know one way to make it stop now. All my experiences in life have culminated into excruciated pain, in ways I'll never be able to comprehend. I'll accept I'm not perfect, maybe there's a lot I don't see that was all my fault as well. But I never hurt anyone. I've always been a listener, a helper to those who needed a shoulder to lean on. I never received that same respect in life, not that I ever felt anyone owed me anything for me being there for them the way I had. Sometimes I guess you do just expect things to happen a lot differently. Or that your actions in life may actually account for something someday.

I find your writing very inspirational @kotaigold. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.


I didn't get exactly what you meant. That intelligence breeds cruelty?

It's been a long long time since anyone has honestly said that. Thank you a lot.

This will be my last message. This gets hard. Very hard.

I came here for a method, luckily found exactly what I was looking for. And I know I'm not a burden per say. I see that. I just don't want to further possibly warp how anyone feels because of my thoughts or experiences. Even with my last breathe, I'll stupidly be thinking and hoping everyone else is okay at my own expense. That is who I am though. If I could sacrifice my life, for everyone else just to live in a world that made a little more sense than this one. I would in a heartbeat, I'd never look back. I hope those I possibly hurt in doing this, can accept that and forgive me. I tried hard to let them know how much I hurt. I still hope, that somehow you all can get through the pain, the same pain that has defeated me.

I won't ever be that person to tell you, it will just get better. I honestly do not know. I guess there's always a chance, it just depends on how many chances your willing to take, and put up with.

I don't blame people either, never could. Or anything. We're all in the same little boat, paddling against the raging rapids of life. I can bet even my father had his reasons, and his own pain for the choices he made.

I don't do internet well. In a way it makes me more sad knowing how many have to resort to places like this, as good as it is to have a community like this for us lost ones to come. I wish so many didn't have to feel so isolated in these thoughts, so alone, that they could be better expressed without the judgement many of us receive. Mental health is something that is overlooked too much or just taken advantage of.

I truly appreciate the few that have reached out to me today. I wish you the best, and if at all ever possible you find a reason to keep going. I can only hope life treats you better than it has me and you can make the best of it.

I've just become too tired, my trust is completely broken to a irreversible point. I feel so much older than I already am too, so old. I can't fight for a place or even a small sense of sanity for myself anymore. And it would hurt so much more to waste another 30 years like this. I don't think I'd live too long anyway based on my health as well. I hate that I ever had to fight for something so simple to begin with. And I greatly fear due to my biological father, a real anger can come out of me. And I don't ever want to possibly hurt someone like he did.

So I must isolate myself.

Take care.