Venting I'm never home alone and it's driving me crazy

[TheEndisNear121200]

This is my second venting post in like 2 days. It's not like venting helps but I really need a place to get these thoughts out of my mind because I'm going insane.
I have wrote in my last post that I don't want to hang myself in our house, because I don't want my parents nor my brother to be the ones to discover my dead body. They're really caring people and they're not the reason why I want to CTB so it's just unfair and cruel to expose them to a shock like that. The grief of losing their young daughter is already enough on its own.
Unfortunately there are no other options, and I've decided to be selfish this time around as I can't keep living anymore.
But my brother has started working from home and is rarely leaving the house and so is my dad who has retired recently. I won't be able to get anything done this way, and I'm fucking mad ! I regret hesitating last week and missing the chance I've fucking had and now I won't be left alone in like months. Why does life decide to ruin my plans one by one ? Why is everything against me ? Get me out of here, please !! If I had another method than hanging, I could've got it done in my room, but I'm stuck !

 

[Ghost2211]

I can imagine how stressful it is for the only thing holding you back is alone time. Are there other options than home?

 

[TheEndisNear121200]

I can imagine how stressful it is for the only thing holding you back is alone time. Are there other options than home?

Sadly there aren't.

 

[Ghost2211]

Sadly there aren't.

I'm sorry friend. That must be quite trapped feeling.

 

[TheEndisNear121200]

I'm sorry friend. That must be quite trapped feeling.

It is. I feel like I'm suffocating. I'm really fighting the urge to jump from the balcony right now even though I know it will only leave me crippled.

 

[Ghost2211]

It is. I feel like I'm suffocating. I'm really fighting the urge of jumping from the balcony right now even though I know it will only leave me crippled.

Please do resist that urge. Is there anything that helps you feel calmer until there is a better time for a safe exit? What do you like to do? Or enjoy eating?

 

[TheEndisNear121200]

Please do resist that urge. Is there anything that helps you feel calmer until there is a better time for a safe exit? What do you like to do? Or enjoy eating?

I don't enjoy anything anymore. I'll probably self harm for now.

 

[Mischievous]

I'm in a similar situation. I've played around with the idea of just getting on my bike and biking out of the city to a secluded area where no one will unintentionally find me. If I leave my phone on the authorities can just ask the cell provider to ping the phone for a rough location so they can find me. At least that's what they did for my big brother. Sorry that this couldn't be a much simpler process for you.

 

[WornOutLife]

I used to live alone and now because of my failed CTB attempt I'm living with my family again. I love them but, it sucks so, I understand how you're feeling.
Just relax. There will be a time in which you'll be alone for enough hours to CTB but you'll have to be patient these days or even weeks.
Wish you the best!

 

[MiseryLovesMyCompany]

It might not be of much help, but when I get those uncontrollable urges, I take some Xanax, 0.5mg makes me calm soon if my stomach is empty. I try to take it as seldom as possible though.

Why does life decide to ruin my plans one by one ?

Speaking from experience, that's just how life works. Welcome to the club.
It's really frustrating when you can't get some time alone, patience is the only thing you can count on, but if you are anything like me then it is a foreign concept.

 

[Panna]

Do you have access to a big yard? kaitlyn, the girl who filmed her suicide was able to do so within the cover of the trees despite having her mother home.

 

[TheEndisNear121200]

Do you have access to a big yard? kaitlyn, the girl who filmed her suicide was able to do so within the cover of the trees despite having her mother home.

I haven't heard of this girl before but I looked it up and damn she was only 12 !! her story really hit me hard. I haven't been able to find her video, I'm guessing it got deleted. I really hope she's at peace now.

And to answer your question, I don't have access to a big yard, we are surrounded by houses on all sides so I can't cover it up. I'm honestly thinking of giving up on my hanging plan and try to slit my wrist in my room instead.

 

[Ghost2211]

I haven't heard of this girl before but I looked it up and damn she was only 12 !! her story really hit me hard. I haven't been able to find her video, I'm guessing it got deleted. I really hope she's at peace now.

And to answer your question, I don't have access to a big yard, we are surrounded by houses on all sides so I can't cover it up. I'm honestly thinking of giving up on my hanging plan and try to slit my wrist in my room.

Please try to avoid wrist cutting. it's very unreliable. if you choose that path make sure to do a lot of research.

 

[MiseryLovesMyCompany]

try to slit my wrist in my room.

Don't, don't, and don't!
It has such a low success rate. You need to know where to cut, which is really deep, you have to be fast, and you even have to take some meds to avoid clotting, while being in warm water. This method is doomed from the start, I'm sorry.