Venting im mad that trauma killed my chance at living normally

[vultureilse]

my life is doomed to be miserable. i dont wanna have to spend my entire life trying to undo what my trauma did. i hate that im the one who has to fix myself and my life when its other people that fucked everything up. and i hate that im becoming the same exact person that my abusive family members were

i dont want to take responsibility for my actions and i wish i could blame everything on people who caused my trauma. it just sucks so fucking much that i have to spend my life putting so much effort into trying to function like a normal human being while people who grew up normally are able to do things effortlessly. im so jealous of everyone who doesnt have to struggle with this shit everyday

life is just so fucking unfair and im too immature to accept that. im so tired of having to suffer all the time and im really looking forward to the day when im finally able to kill myself. ive been fantasizing about it more and more but sadly i cant do it yet for certain life reasons so ive got no choice but to wait:(

 

[FuneralCry]

There really is nothing fair about any of this, that is undeniable. It's just so awful to me how humans create so much harm, I really do think that humans are responsible for so much of the suffering that sadly exists in this world.
But it's understandable as to why you would be looking forward to being free from all this, as it certainly can be so horrible feeling trapped in an existence that just causes you to suffer constantly. I hope that when the time is right for you to leave this world, you find the freedom that you wish for.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I understand. It really sucks to know that you were brought here but never stood a viable chance. The people who harmed us have the luxury of not giving a shit. Anyway what I've come to learn is that at the root of trauma is a sense of powerlessness and a lack of control. Finding a sense of self-empowerment is crucial to healing from trauma which is why I never have because I never found it. And that is also why suicide can seem appealing to the traumatized because it supplies that lacking empowerment. Maybe if you can feel more empowered your trauma will begin to hurt less.

 

[SadScarlet]

I completely understand. My mess of a life is mostly because someone else messed it up. I'm the one who has to try and fix it, I'm the one who has to take all the steps if I want to "feel" better, while the people who did it don't bat an eye over it.

 

[CTB Dream]

Vry understandn know how trama event other do make worse life no way solve sometim take long take entire no solve all effort try try time move vry sorry exp this life cruelty make unfair one event possible ruin entir 80y this nonsense life

 

[lionetta12]

I completely understand. My mess of a life is mostly because someone else messed it up. I'm the one who has to try and fix it, I'm the one who has to take all the steps if I want to "feel" better, while the people who did it don't bat an eye over it.

Crazy how we have to go get help, but the people who inflict trauma on others don't.

 

[SamTam33]

... it just sucks so fucking much that i have to spend my life putting so much effort into trying to function like a normal human being while people who grew up normally are able to do things effortlessly. im so jealous of everyone who doesnt have to struggle with this shit everyday

life is just so fucking unfair and im too immature to accept that...

Boy do I identify with these sentiments. Too much. I don't know how to accept the hand that I was dealt. My brain is not made that way.

I will never forgive anyone who's done anything to negatively affect my life over the long-term. I will die hating them.

I was feeling kinda ok yesterday. Better than I have in days. But then I see an email from LinkedIn suggesting people for me to connect with.

I open the app and see dozens of people I used to work with. Some have moved on to different companies. Some have been promoted at my old company.

Director of Finance. Attorney [at a law firm that contains their own last name]. Vice President of Investment Banking.

They're all smiling in their profile pics, looking like consummate professionals.

I stare at the blank, gray circle where my professional headshot should be.

I never want people to see me. And in the cruelest twist of fate - they don't.

When I interview for jobs, I know the hiring manager can't reconcile the person before them with the resume on their screen.

They have their own prejudices and biases and there's absolutely nothing I can do about that.

I can't make them see past whatever "limitations" they think my surface-level traits present.

I hate that I was born into this world, with those kinds of people.

I will never accept it.