I'm lossing touch

[Red87]

All I can think about is my husband if we never got into a fight he never would of walked home he never would of got hit by that car he would still be with me I blame myself it's my fault because I left my phone in the car because I was mad and he walked from work on the most dangerous highway near my house I got to speak to him 10 mins right before he got hit and we had another fight I went looking for him but I couldn't understand his direction he was giving me I was seconds away from him I thought he turned off his phone and was ignoring me but he wasn't he was gone and all I can think about is him lying there dying I didn't get to say goodbye or I'm sorry or how much I loved him I miss his laugh the tough of his warm hands on my face his beautiful golden eyes and the was he called me gorgeous everyone he saw me I'm on the verge of a break down I can't loose him I just can't I need him and love him he made feel life was worth living and now that he is gone I just want to catch the bus and be with him I don't care what's on the other side as long as I'm with him time could stop I could burn forever as long as his there with me that's all that matters I'm sorry for ranting on I just needed to get this out because I'm so alone and I don't want to be alone again I'm ready to just go home where ever that may be

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I'm so sorry you're hurting.

The timing of the accident sucked. How many other fights did you have and you both lived and made up and went on living as you normally did?

Chances are, if he was conscious before he died, he was thinking that he loved you and that he regretted the fight or walking where he did. I can bet that one of his last thoughts was that he loved you.

Sending compassion for you.

 

[Lostandfound7]

So sorry to hear this, love..I can't begin to imagine ur pain..

There is no way u could have known that that would have happened...That would never even have crossed anyone's mind, for that matter..Horribly bad timing..Plz try to release yourself from blame..Life is full of what ifs..I'm so sorry..

Sending u love and strength..♡♡♡

 

[Red87]

We fought alot but it wasn't because of anything we did it was because everyone around us was using us and hurting us and I guess that that was how with dealt with it but what's funny he never hurt me or called me names he was the sweetest person I knew he gave up so much for me and took care of me I loved him so much I'm just ready to be with him again I'm tired of this world and I'm ready to find peace and I can't here not without him and thank u so much for responding

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Okay, so then why is it your fault that you fought and then left your phone in the car? Why is it not the fault of those around you who were using you and hurting you who caused you to fight?



What or who do you have to help you get through this now that you don't have him to lean on? Your mom and sister don't sound reliable. The people who were around you aren't reliable. Did you have an inner strength and "fuck you all" before this, something that gave you power? Did you ever have a good therapist or some kind of a social group? It sounds like you need someone to help you be grounded through healing from the loss of your husband. Maybe a support group for people who lost their spouses? I'm not saying you have to give up on ctb, but until you can and/or choose to, is there anything that can give you support?

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

Okay, so then why is it your fault that you fought and then left your phone in the car? Why is it not the fault of those around you who were using you and hurting you who caused you to fight?

Or I'm sure those people had stressors in their life that caused them to hurt you. Why is it not the fault of those people? What about the driver? Why isn't it their fault? Or the fault of the person who sold them alcohol, or texted them right before, or passed them on their driver's test?

The point I'm trying to make is, there's no value in playing the blame game. Life is a convergence of factors beyond our control that often results in negative outcomes. You are not to blame for your husband's death. I think it's really important that you know that.

As for the pain you're experiencing, my heart goes out to you. When I lost my best friend, I wanted to die to join him too. I'm sure that feeling is augmented when it's your spouse. It's been 13 years, and I still miss him. I dream of an afterlife where we can be reunited. Maybe that's the comforting thought I need as I try to ctb.

 

[Red87]

No I have social anxiety I never had friends and to be honest I don't really like talking to people I mean I am on here but it's different I guess I live alone my husband was my friend he understood me there trying to get me on meds and see a psychiatrist but it never helped in the past everyone keeps trying to get me to see people hell they are even trying to get me to date I'm like it's been 7months since he died why are they even saying this to me and honestly I don't ever want another man or relationship I love my husband he's the only one for me see I have bipolar and I took meds and had therapy but it didn't work I'm just tired of everything around me before my husband I was alone and a outcast to my family they used me all the time then when my husband came along it got better but it never went away and the only reason I dealt with it because I have a son from first marriage I went threw alot I was abused for 5 years stayed in and out of shelters my mom adopted my son in January this year I was always in his life but I faught them constantly over and over about seeing him I did see him and I never could get him back because they had a lawyer and I couldn't get one he comes over all the time but they have always blamed me for everything that's happened even though I've changed and divorced my ex and was helping more it really never mattered to them my past will always come up in the present even though I help everyone I still get treated they way I do but I love my kids I just can't do this anymore I can't fight anymore I've been fighting for 15years and I'm tired I'm just ready to have peace I know they won't understand but I hope one day they will I wrote them a letter letting know this wasn't there fault it was mine and that I will always love them and that one day we will see each other again and that I will be watching them every step they take and that I'm proud of them it's just I know it's my time I can't keep going on like this I can't keep doing this to them or me I need to be free and they need it to it's not good for them either I know it's best and I will miss them and always love them