I'm long overdue

[throwaway123]

It was time for me to go a couple of years ago. I can feel it but I keep chosing to deny it, I chose to distract myself instead of facing the reality. It was easier to do nothing but now reality is catching up on me. I'm scared but I've been here before. I have never really felt "ready" because well death is the end. Who's ready for that? My past two serious attempts were well planned but it took me months to go through with it. In the end I "just did it". I wouldn't say that it was impulse. It was impulsive in the moment but not when you look at it from a longer timescale. I've been wanting to die my whole life. Life is not fair. I have to chose a cruel method. Money is everything. If I had the money I could just buy myself N.

 

[Deleted_9cKnXB34QG]

Same. I should have died in my early 20's because it only got worse from there, but instead I chose to do nothing. It's easier to continue living, people who say that "suicide is the easy way out" are clueless morons. This is the hardest, scariest thing one can do.
Now I think that I'm ready to at least attempt, but I still get this feeling that when the time comes I might get paralyzed by fear and back out. This uncertainty is awful.

If I had the money I could just buy myself N.

Yeah, drinking some medicine surely seems easier than hanging.

 

[AntiLifeEric]

I've been a deluded nut since eight years old. I just wanna go to Paradise, which I find very easy to believe in as long as 1. I feel as if I can make progress in the direction of ending my life and 2. My intestines aren't fucked up, because I kinda lose faith when I feel like I need to crawl out of my skin. You can read more about that, here. https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/does-anyone-else-have-this-problem.3236/

 

[Death_From_Above]

Good luck, I quite identify with your experience

 

[wanttodie]

me to im long overdue time to end my life soon

 

[Tiburcio]

Same. I should have died in my early 20's because it only got worse from there, but instead I chose to do nothing. It's easier to continue living, people who say that "suicide is the easy way out" are clueless morons. This is the hardest, scariest thing one can do.
Now I think that I'm ready to at least attempt, but I still get this feeling that when the time comes I might get paralyzed by fear and back out. This uncertainty is awful.


Yeah, drinking some medicine surely seems easier than hanging.

I agree. It's extremely hard, keep leeving is by far easier than doing that shit of hanging which is super scary.

But people still think survival instinct is an invented story and say us: if you really would want it you already would have done it oh please... stupid ignorants...

 

[Ashpac]

I know how you feel im passed my sell by date too.

 

[overkill]

I feel even my close family have given up hope. There seems to be a secret consent that they would not object too much if I ended my life. Nothing's moving forward in my life anymore. I feel like everything around me is given me the OK for me to kill myself.

 

[Ashpac]

I feel even my close family have given up hope. There seems to be a secret consent that they would not object too much if I ended my life. Nothing's moving forward in my life anymore. I feel like everything around me is given me the OK for me to kill myself.

Exactly how I feel. Its like life says ''Hey Ive took everything away from you, you have nothing, just do it you big wuss stop being stubborn''

 

[great-ape99]

If money is an issue then use sodium nitrite.

 

[boozlepuzzle]

Today was supposed to be my day and here I am sitting on my ass and reading the forum, i switched methods, i was gonna do partial hanging but I think I prefer CO intoxication with charcoal, anyways I think tomorrow I'll get the money, buy the charcoal and I'll do it
which method have you chose?

 

[great-ape99]

which method have you chose?

Well I have N sitting in my refrigerator right now ready to use. But I want to live life as long as I can as I am no longer depressed. But once I can't go any further I will end my life on my own terms in a peaceful manner.

 

[overkill]

Well I have N sitting in my refrigerator right now ready to use. But I want to live life as long as I can as I am no longer depressed. But once I can't go any further I will end my life on my own terms in a peaceful manner.

I think it should be stored at room temperature: "Store at 20°C to 25°C (68°F to 77°F). Protect from freezing and avoid excessive heat" https://www.drugs.com/ppa/pentobarbital.html

"We determined that the drug degraded at a maximum of 0.5% per year in our preparation (alkaline water/propylene glycol/ethanol) when stored in the dark at room temperature. A yellow discoloration developed after about 2 years, which we have arbitrarily determined disqualifies the preparation from use as an anesthetic. Attempts to spectroscopically assay this discoloration were not successful."
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26234474

 

[Willdieby30]

i cant wait till i draft a will and leave all my possessions with family members. I want to be dead so fucking bad

 

[Smilla]

I feel like an expired carton of milk—sour and bitter.

 

[GoneGirlXIV]

It was time for me to go a couple of years ago. I can feel it but I keep chosing to deny it, I chose to distract myself instead of facing the reality. It was easier to do nothing but now reality is catching up on me. I'm scared but I've been here before. I have never really felt "ready" because well death is the end. Who's ready for that? My past two serious attempts were well planned but it took me months to go through with it. In the end I "just did it". I wouldn't say that it was impulse. It was impulsive in the moment but not when you look at it from a longer timescale. I've been wanting to die my whole life. Life is not fair. I have to chose a cruel method. Money is everything. If I had the money I could just buy myself N.

Having N wouldn't make it completely easy though. Like I'm sure people with N probably have instinct too

 

[Ryukil93]

I can relate to how you feel OP. I've said a multiple times "I should have died 5 years ago." I don't know. Right now my OCD is so bad that it's taken a lot of joy out of living - I feel like I'm on life support. I guess pulling the plug isn't as easy as it should be, though.

 

[great-ape99]

I feel like an expired carton of milk—sour and bitter.

That's a funny cute way of putting it. I like you attitude despite your hardships.

 

[great-ape99]

Having N wouldn't make it completely easy though. Like I'm sure people with N probably have instinct too

Yes and no. I can say that for myself that I have N in my refrigerator right now. I use to have serious depression and other mental issues which lead me to buy it as a safeguard. Even though I am far from having any serious mental problems right now I like the fact that if push comes to shove I can end it at anytime. But as it is right now I don't want to end my life, I want to live a long healthy life and end my life after I know that I have done everything I can, and then I know that I will have no hesitation drinking my N. Meaning I think that I won't have any survival instinct for taking N as long as I plan it out well in advance and I am very sure this is what I want to do. Especially once I make it into old age. Does that help any?