I feel like my clock stopped ticking a long time ago. Is there even hope for a future?
I finally reached out for help last week. My appointment with a therapist is next Monday. I'm not sure how it'll go, but at this point, it's at least an attempt at recovery. Who knows, it might give me enough hope to keep me going, or kick me in the gutter with false reassurances that'll only motivate me to cement my ctb plan. Hope; that's the magic word. If (if...) I manage to recover from my mental illnesses and get a taste for life again, here's what I imagine I would do:
-Get a job
-Finish school; start my career
-Find a motive or a goal worth living for
-Get on with the 'normal things' you'd expect from life; find a partner, get an home, adopt kids, yadda yadda...
But I can't shake the thought that I might not even get to enjoy that. First of all, there's the pandemic, which we're definitely not done dealing with. Then, there's the always ongoing decline of Earth/environment/natural resources (I'm not the type to panic too much about that, but I know for a fact Christmases are less and less white. And I live in Canada). Of course when can expect a few more disasters in the future, maybe wars, probably social collapse, another few major life-altering events, who knows : ). Finally there's a more personal factor:
I'm a type 1 diabetic, meaning I need to inject myself insulin multiple times per day in order to stay alive. It's hard to estimate how long I'd be able to survive without insulin, but the number I've seen most often is about a week. Without insulin for a few hours/days, I'll enter DKA (diabetic ketoacidosis), with symptoms like abdominal pain, laboured breathing, dehydration with insatiable thirst, sudden important weight loss (think 20 pounds in 2 weeks. When I was diagnosed I was 16 and weighed 72 pounds/32 kg.), eventually coma and death. Basically not a great way to go.
So you can imagine how I felt when I stumbled on a 2018 article about how there might be a shortage of insulin by 2030 (https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.cn...bal-insulin-shortage-diabetes-intl/index.html). Sure, it's probably a shock article, meant to stress people into not letting themselves become T2 diabetics, and it mentions that Africa, Asia and Oceania will be mostly affected, but it does make you think. Just think about the worldwide crisis it would cause, skyrocketing prices, and eventually your family helplessly watching you die a slow and painful death, should the shortage get to that point. Anyway, there's no end in sight to the spike of insulin's cost. I can't imagine how I'll be able to afford my meds with everything else.
My point is : Imagine if I go through all the struggles of recovering from MI, finally start to enjoy life, only for the universe to give me a big cosmic 'Fuck you' .
What a bleak existence.
I finally reached out for help last week. My appointment with a therapist is next Monday. I'm not sure how it'll go, but at this point, it's at least an attempt at recovery. Who knows, it might give me enough hope to keep me going, or kick me in the gutter with false reassurances that'll only motivate me to cement my ctb plan. Hope; that's the magic word. If (if...) I manage to recover from my mental illnesses and get a taste for life again, here's what I imagine I would do:
-Get a job
-Finish school; start my career
-Find a motive or a goal worth living for
-Get on with the 'normal things' you'd expect from life; find a partner, get an home, adopt kids, yadda yadda...
But I can't shake the thought that I might not even get to enjoy that. First of all, there's the pandemic, which we're definitely not done dealing with. Then, there's the always ongoing decline of Earth/environment/natural resources (I'm not the type to panic too much about that, but I know for a fact Christmases are less and less white. And I live in Canada). Of course when can expect a few more disasters in the future, maybe wars, probably social collapse, another few major life-altering events, who knows : ). Finally there's a more personal factor:
I'm a type 1 diabetic, meaning I need to inject myself insulin multiple times per day in order to stay alive. It's hard to estimate how long I'd be able to survive without insulin, but the number I've seen most often is about a week. Without insulin for a few hours/days, I'll enter DKA (diabetic ketoacidosis), with symptoms like abdominal pain, laboured breathing, dehydration with insatiable thirst, sudden important weight loss (think 20 pounds in 2 weeks. When I was diagnosed I was 16 and weighed 72 pounds/32 kg.), eventually coma and death. Basically not a great way to go.
So you can imagine how I felt when I stumbled on a 2018 article about how there might be a shortage of insulin by 2030 (https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.cn...bal-insulin-shortage-diabetes-intl/index.html). Sure, it's probably a shock article, meant to stress people into not letting themselves become T2 diabetics, and it mentions that Africa, Asia and Oceania will be mostly affected, but it does make you think. Just think about the worldwide crisis it would cause, skyrocketing prices, and eventually your family helplessly watching you die a slow and painful death, should the shortage get to that point. Anyway, there's no end in sight to the spike of insulin's cost. I can't imagine how I'll be able to afford my meds with everything else.
My point is : Imagine if I go through all the struggles of recovering from MI, finally start to enjoy life, only for the universe to give me a big cosmic 'Fuck you' .
What a bleak existence.
