Venting I’m living a nightmare

[willitpass]

I had a therapy session with my dad today. It quickly turned into me saying how I don't feel like I'm getting any better, feeling like I don't even want to get any better, and being terrified that my future will turn into my dad getting a conservatorship over me and institutionalizing me for the rest of my life. His response is that if it comes down to it, he will do it. The rest of the session was my dad and therapist telling me how it's my choice if I want to work in treatment to get better and go home or my dad get a conservatorship and I lose everything. I would yell at them that I fucking know that it's my choice, I'm not fucking stupid, but I'm so fucking exhausted. I've been fighting this my whole life and I'm tired, I don't have it in me anymore.

My dad eventually said "well if you aren't going to try then we'll stop wasting everyone's time and I'll go to court and start looking for somewhere to send you". I just sobbed. He asked me "if you were a parent in this situation, what would you do?". I didn't answer, but I wanted to just say "I can't imagine letting my child die, but if they were suffering that much for so long I could not fathom locking them up just to suffer for the rest of their life". I did tell him at what point are you keeping someone alive to just keep them alive?

The session ended with my dad and therapist saying that they see progress in me even if I don't. I am so fucking sick of people telling me that. They aren't living in my head to realize the hell Im living in.

This is a nightmare situation. There genuinely is no choice anymore but to fake getting better. How I'll achieve that I have no fucking clue. I am so fucking exhausted. The thought of having to fake recovery again sounds impossible. But I will just have to keep in mind what is at stake. All I need is to get well enough that they believe I will not kill myself, and then I can discharge and CTB on the way to the airport.

 

[ma0]

My dad eventually said "well if you aren't going to try then we'll stop wasting everyone's time and I'll go to court and start looking for somewhere to send you".

What a stupid thing to say. Nevermind how obviously he's blaming the victim, but what the fuck does he even mean by "trying to get better?" What defines trying? You can't just tell someone to "try" to recover and not tell them what that entails.

 

[loneloser]

Wow your dad is a piece of work, to say the least. I'm really horrible at giving 'advice' and I don't know if you want to hear this, but one word I have for you is: Run.
Anywhere you can go to escape your dad is where I suggest, different states, cities, etc, whatever.

 

[willitpass]

What a stupid thing to say. Nevermind how obviously he's blaming the victim, but what the fuck does he even mean by "trying to get better?" What defines trying? You can't just tell someone to "try" to recover and not tell them what that entails.

Wow your dad is a piece of work, to say the least. I'm really horrible at giving 'advice' and I don't know if you want to hear this, but one word I have for you is: Run.
Anywhere you can go to escape your dad is where I suggest, different states, cities, etc, whatever.

While I understand how you could make these conclusions out of context, my dad had actually been my strongest support through my life. He has been with me through everything and is an amazing person. This response is coming from fear. The situation he is in is a horrible one to be in where he knows the odds of losing his daughter are extremely high. I can only imagine how terrifying that feels. Fear brings out the worst in people.

 

[Brokensaddle]

Have you tried meds to numb your feelings? There were days i couldn't get out of bed without taking Benzos. It didn't fix me but it give me the strength to get up in the morning when i mentally was too overwhelmed

 

[Dingo67]

I'm so sorry to hear how you are treated. That's horrible how your own father treats you. I've always believed that if you love something, set it free. Clearly they don't. Praying things get better for you.

 

[loneloser]

While I understand how you could make these conclusions out of context, my dad had actually been my strongest support through my life. He has been with me through everything and is an amazing person. This response is coming from fear. The situation he is in is a horrible one to be in where he knows the odds of losing his daughter are extremely high. I can only imagine how terrifying that feels. Fear brings out the worst in people.

Oh, I see. Sorry for assuming such.
I hope you find the peace you're looking for which ever you choose.

 

[willitpass]

Today my doctor told me if I don't get better I will end up in a group home. And then they proceeded to give me even more bad news about my treatment immediately after. I'm in hell right now.

I've started planting the seeds of feigning recovery. I dropped my rating scales but the slightest bit today and will gradually drop them over the next couple of weeks. I did a bunch of homework despite having no desire to do so and not really seeing any benefit in it. I'm going to get out of here. I will not let my life turn into being institutionalized. I broke down a bit to the doctor and therapist today, but that's okay because they would be more suspicious if I made some miraculous turn around overnight. Over the next few days I will say that the threat of being institutionalized was a wake up call for me and made me realize I want to recover. I will play the game and hopefully be discharged before March. I will get an Uber to a gas station from here rather than to the airport, I will get a can of gasoline and a lighter, find a relatively safe place, and CTB. I will never make it home.

This is what has to be done.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Today my doctor told me if I don't get better I will end up in a group home. And then they proceeded to give me even more bad news about my treatment immediately after. I'm in hell right now.

I've started planting the seeds of feigning recovery. I dropped my rating scales but the slightest bit today and will gradually drop them over the next couple of weeks. I did a bunch of homework despite having no desire to do so and not really seeing any benefit in it. I'm going to get out of here. I will not let my life turn into being institutionalized. I broke down a bit to the doctor and therapist today, but that's okay because they would be more suspicious if I made some miraculous turn around overnight. Over the next few days I will say that the threat of being institutionalized was a wake up call for me and made me realize I want to recover. I will play the game and hopefully be discharged before March. I will get an Uber to a gas station from here rather than to the airport, I will get a can of gasoline and a lighter, find a relatively safe place, and CTB. I will never make it home.

This is what has to be done.

At least get back into a situation where you have freedom to plan and act without having to account to these people.

I feel awful for you. I know you are in hell. And I feel terrified of ending back in the clutches of the mental health system should I fail an attempt. Of being subjected to the same disempowering things or worse.

It's infuriating that they think this kind of coercion is conducive to recovery, as if you can will it to to be so.

 

[sorrynormal]

I don't feel like I'm getting any better, feelin

No one exists or was raised in a vacuum. We all have a collection of experience, relationships, families. The mental health system's job is to ignore all of the context and strip it all down to a problem with YOU. And yes the only way you get out of an institution is to tell the treatment team that the medication is wonderful and really works well, and oh wow I'm so much better.

It's not about justice, truth, or really healing (i hate that word) from whatever ales you. It's about appearances and making everyone else feel like they are 'helping' when they really aren't. The more you try to interject any truth, the more you will be punished (from personal experience). The only way you can 'win' is to get the hell out of the system; it's setup to please the person or institution in the power position.

 

[divinemistress36]

@willitpass please dont burn yourself such an awful way to go. Is trying SN again not an option?

 

[willitpass]

@willitpass please dont burn yourself such an awful way to go. Is trying SN again not an option?

My mind is fully set on burning. I have failed too many peaceful methods. I cannot fail again. This is the most foolproof method without having access to a gun.

 

[divinemistress36]

My mind is fully set on burning. I have failed too many peaceful methods. I cannot fail again. This is the most foolproof method without having access to a gun.

Not even jumping?

 

[willitpass]

Not even jumping?

As strange as it sounds, I cannot imagine mustering the courage to jump. I have thought over my plan time and time again and have full confidence in burning.

 

[Dai]

As strange as it sounds, I cannot imagine mustering the courage to jump. I have thought over my plan time and time again and have full confidence in burning.

Would you consider huffing duster to pass out in some water or in cold temperatures for hypothermia? Alcohol+sedatives could work too.

Arkansas Woman Drowns after Huffing Duster - DrugAbuse.com

Duster, also known as canned or compressed air, is used to clean pieces of electronic equipment or other sensitive devices. Unfortunately, duster is also a product commonly abused. Known as “huffing,” users inhale the chemical-laden compressed air as a way to get a quick high. Duster Claims...

drugabuse.com

It always looks like insta regret when people set fire to themselves. I've also seen a video of ISIS setting a guy on fire. The most traumatic video I've ever seen.

 

[willitpass]

Would you consider huffing duster to pass out in some water or in cold temperatures for hypothermia? Alcohol+sedatives could work too.

Arkansas Woman Drowns after Huffing Duster - DrugAbuse.com

Duster, also known as canned or compressed air, is used to clean pieces of electronic equipment or other sensitive devices. Unfortunately, duster is also a product commonly abused. Known as “huffing,” users inhale the chemical-laden compressed air as a way to get a quick high. Duster Claims...

drugabuse.com

It always looks like insta regret when people set fire to themselves. I've also seen a video of ISIS setting a guy on fire with his skin melting off and he was still sort of alive.

It will hurt unimaginably, which will likely lead to regret in the moment, but I will become unconscious within 5 minutes due to inhalation of smoke. I will be in agony for those minutes, and then will never feel anything again. Even if I did survive initially after passing out and was rushed to the hospital, large surface area burns combined with smoke inhalation have very low survival outcomes even with the most high quality medical care.