WhatDoesTheFoxSay?
Hold your head high, and your middle finger higher
- Dec 25, 2020
- 1,117
I intended to spend today alone. I had a doctor's appointment at the hospital this morning, so I thought I'd make use of the day to visit the library to catch up on my studies. Before, I had expressed my wish for my mom not to come with me. At her insistence, however, I eventually gave in, as I felt bad for leaving her all alone.
Fast forward to today, all I can say is that I deeply regret bending over yet again. At first, it was agreed upon that we would go to the hospital, have breakfast, then go over to the mall for lunch. After that, we would part our ways and I would study at the library till night. When we reached the mall, as it was still too early to have lunch, I mentioned that I'd usually spend some time studying first. So she thought she'd go with me to the library to wait till then. Hearing that, a sinking feeling came over me, and I lost all my appetite. Anyway, we headed to the library. Along the way she was talking to me, and, being in a bad headspace, I gave her pretty lukewarm responses. I think she must've sensed my unhappiness, because at the gantry, not knowing that she has to tap in with her identity card to gain entry to the library, she threw a tantrum. She blamed me for not telling her earlier (to prepare her ID), chastised me for not wanting to hang out with her, and then stormed out of the place.
It's my fault. All that would not have happened if I just simply had the guts to give her a clear-cut "no" for an answer back then. I felt terrible. On one hand, the guilt of hurting my mom's feelings and nervous anticipation—of what'll happen next—ate me up. But on the other, I'm so angry with myself for falling into the trap of emotional blackmail yet again and being too weak to say "no". I'm tired of riding this emotional roller-coaster and playing a dual role of therapist and punching bag. In recent years, I've come to realise, thanks to the Internet, that many of her behaviours that I've grown accustomed to, is anything but ok.
Please, tell me I'm not the crazy one.
Fast forward to today, all I can say is that I deeply regret bending over yet again. At first, it was agreed upon that we would go to the hospital, have breakfast, then go over to the mall for lunch. After that, we would part our ways and I would study at the library till night. When we reached the mall, as it was still too early to have lunch, I mentioned that I'd usually spend some time studying first. So she thought she'd go with me to the library to wait till then. Hearing that, a sinking feeling came over me, and I lost all my appetite. Anyway, we headed to the library. Along the way she was talking to me, and, being in a bad headspace, I gave her pretty lukewarm responses. I think she must've sensed my unhappiness, because at the gantry, not knowing that she has to tap in with her identity card to gain entry to the library, she threw a tantrum. She blamed me for not telling her earlier (to prepare her ID), chastised me for not wanting to hang out with her, and then stormed out of the place.
It's my fault. All that would not have happened if I just simply had the guts to give her a clear-cut "no" for an answer back then. I felt terrible. On one hand, the guilt of hurting my mom's feelings and nervous anticipation—of what'll happen next—ate me up. But on the other, I'm so angry with myself for falling into the trap of emotional blackmail yet again and being too weak to say "no". I'm tired of riding this emotional roller-coaster and playing a dual role of therapist and punching bag. In recent years, I've come to realise, thanks to the Internet, that many of her behaviours that I've grown accustomed to, is anything but ok.
Please, tell me I'm not the crazy one.
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