unperson
nontitle
- May 8, 2021
- 120
I'm tired of myself. I have no consistency in my decisions. I could be 1000% determined to do something, pursue some project or goal, and then 15 minutes later give up completely and not care again almost indefinitely and it doesn't seem to matter what I do; meds, therapy, etc, there's something wrong with my brain that meds and therapy dont fix. And I don't even know what. I wanted a PET brain scan but insurance won't cover it.
I know about exercise, nutrition, meditation, psychology, neuro-science, supplements, states of change, executive function, adhd, anxiety, growth/other mindset approaches, the science of willpower, Buddhist philosophy, other philosophies, etc etc etc
clinical psycho-therapy in the US seems to be non-inclusive towards people with treatment-resistant mental illness and mental health professionals seem trained to absolutely refuse to acknowledge that some people can't get better. And so it's incredibly invalidating and stressful. It seems that acceptance is incompatible with talk therapy because every therapist will invariably disparage the extreme difficulty for someone who has such a pernicious invisible issue.
the fatigue and tiredness and physical discomfort is relentless. The psychic pain of trying to force myself to brush my teeth or take a shower or make food is incredibly frustrating.
I feel so much shame and embarrassment about having no life that socializing offline is pointless. I've learned that I can't expect any understanding or acceptance from the people around me. And that the most emotionally harmful thing I can do is trust someone who tries to encourage me to feel hope and believe in myself; because it can actually work for a short period, but the crash is excruciating and unbearable.
i think it's biological depression + circumstantial, & severe executive dysfunction (adhd), anxiety, emotional trauma, and some past head trauma with possible permanent brain damage which seemed to leave my intelligence intact but my energy level and motivation and stress tolerance is nil—I have a cousin who had worse head trauma and became intellectually disabled but strangely enough has no signs of depression or anxiety and honestly as self-pitying as this will sound, I'd love to trade in my current situation for that one. According to the data executive functioning and base-level willpower are more important for success (and happiness) than intelligence. And a lot of people don't know about this. So the result is (builtwrong could relate to this) being perceived as being lazy and unambitious and not caring about pursuing your 'potential'. But conflating intelligence with potential is such a misunderstood oversimplification of human beings. And I've felt enough shame and guilt for being made to feel like I'm wasting this 'potential'.
I just want some emotional peace of not feeling like a lazy loser piece of shit for failing to do anything in life. I just want to accept my difficulties without anyone trying to influence my perception of them. I'm fucking tired man. I don't even want a life or career anymore. Just let me lay around and waste away doing nothing. I resign from participating or even wanting to in society. I don't even think I can summon the resolve for suicide. I'll probably die of a heart attack or some medical issue or homelessness and lack of self care sometime in the next 9 years before I reach 40. God I hope I don't live past 40. Fuck that shit. Please let me die within the next 10 years at least.
I know about exercise, nutrition, meditation, psychology, neuro-science, supplements, states of change, executive function, adhd, anxiety, growth/other mindset approaches, the science of willpower, Buddhist philosophy, other philosophies, etc etc etc
clinical psycho-therapy in the US seems to be non-inclusive towards people with treatment-resistant mental illness and mental health professionals seem trained to absolutely refuse to acknowledge that some people can't get better. And so it's incredibly invalidating and stressful. It seems that acceptance is incompatible with talk therapy because every therapist will invariably disparage the extreme difficulty for someone who has such a pernicious invisible issue.
the fatigue and tiredness and physical discomfort is relentless. The psychic pain of trying to force myself to brush my teeth or take a shower or make food is incredibly frustrating.
I feel so much shame and embarrassment about having no life that socializing offline is pointless. I've learned that I can't expect any understanding or acceptance from the people around me. And that the most emotionally harmful thing I can do is trust someone who tries to encourage me to feel hope and believe in myself; because it can actually work for a short period, but the crash is excruciating and unbearable.
i think it's biological depression + circumstantial, & severe executive dysfunction (adhd), anxiety, emotional trauma, and some past head trauma with possible permanent brain damage which seemed to leave my intelligence intact but my energy level and motivation and stress tolerance is nil—I have a cousin who had worse head trauma and became intellectually disabled but strangely enough has no signs of depression or anxiety and honestly as self-pitying as this will sound, I'd love to trade in my current situation for that one. According to the data executive functioning and base-level willpower are more important for success (and happiness) than intelligence. And a lot of people don't know about this. So the result is (builtwrong could relate to this) being perceived as being lazy and unambitious and not caring about pursuing your 'potential'. But conflating intelligence with potential is such a misunderstood oversimplification of human beings. And I've felt enough shame and guilt for being made to feel like I'm wasting this 'potential'.
I just want some emotional peace of not feeling like a lazy loser piece of shit for failing to do anything in life. I just want to accept my difficulties without anyone trying to influence my perception of them. I'm fucking tired man. I don't even want a life or career anymore. Just let me lay around and waste away doing nothing. I resign from participating or even wanting to in society. I don't even think I can summon the resolve for suicide. I'll probably die of a heart attack or some medical issue or homelessness and lack of self care sometime in the next 9 years before I reach 40. God I hope I don't live past 40. Fuck that shit. Please let me die within the next 10 years at least.
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