virtualdreamplaza
(◞ ‸ ◟ㆀ)
- Jun 30, 2024
- 34
Everything in my life feels so stuck, and I'm so tired of everything.
I honestly just wish I could've been a different person, in a different environment and country. When I was about 11 or so I moved into a new town and started getting bullied, as the time passed by I just got more and more shut in, closed myself off, distancing myself from everybody I knew and just staying in my room, not talking to anybody, not eating, not taking care of myself. I wish my mom would've forced me to go to therapy.
In a few days I turn 19 and I just feel so lost, I have no social skills at all and it's terrible, I'm scared of talking to people and I have literally 0 ideas how to converse with somebody new. I feel so alone hanging out with my friends and their significant others, and there I am, just clueless. I don't know if I'm scared of women or just hate them, but when I see a cute girl, I'm thinking of two choices, or she thinks I'm cute or that I'm a creep, but I've never actually approached anybody before. I just get so scared of judgement and revealing myself that I prefer to shut in within myself more and to not say a word to anybody. And when I talk to a girl online it feels so forced, need to think of what to say 100 times before sending a message, and then only to receive short and dry texts, that show that the person I'm speaking with is not interested in talking to me at all. I've never actually felt wanted by anybody else, it's always me that falls in love and gets obsessed with them..
Atm the only girl in my life is a friend of mine, I've had a crush on her a while back and as I started to catch feelings she got into a relationship with another guy, who is also a friend of mine.. The problem is that now I need to fight these feelings, I'm trying to move on from that, but I just feel so fucked up that I still like her, we just play together sometimes and meet up now and then but it gets me excited everytime. Because I just long for this female attention that I don't have I guess. I know that even if I confessed to her (if she didn't have a bf) I would still probably get rejected and it's better off I don't express these feelings ever. I just hate feeling this attraction to women sometimes, and because I've been alone for so long with no female attention, every time I meet a new girl I get a crush on her and get obsessed over her, thinking "maybe it's the one finally" but of course it's always one sided.
Every day I get back from work I just shut myself inside my room, not saying anything to my parents. Not that I don't want to, but I physically feel like I can't. I spent my entire childhood in my room, and as I grew up I distanced myself from my family more and more, stopped going on trips, stopped coming when they met up, etc. But I feel so alone.. I just wish I could've been more open as a person and stopped being so shut in, I feel like staying in my room my entire life ruined me.. Me and my mom talk sometimes, mostly just good morning and good night, how are you? i'm okay. and it ends there. but every now and then I pour my feelings out, I shared with her the state that I'm in and that I'm the closest I've ever been to killing myself, and she suggested I'll start therapy. I've never actually had any therapy, even though my whole life I've been fighting those feelings and a lot of more fucked up shit, I've always just rejected the idea of it, basically thinking I'm lost already and there is nothing to save with therapy now. But I do wanna get better, at least for the time I have now, my mom just needs to find a therapist and I'll give it a try I guess.. It's my last option before suicide pretty much, I'll keep on searching and learning, hopefully finding my perfect way out, and on the side I'll try therapy, hopefully at least the time I have left on this earth will go by a little easier. I gave up on my life already, I give myself a couple of years maximum, but why not trying to finding my peace where I can in the time I have left right? I just try to be as productive as I can meanwhile, making music and trying to leave a mark, so even when I won't be here anymore, at least there's a part of me on the internet forever, for both the closest people I have and for people on the internet who may enjoy it as well.
I honestly just wish I could've been a different person, in a different environment and country. When I was about 11 or so I moved into a new town and started getting bullied, as the time passed by I just got more and more shut in, closed myself off, distancing myself from everybody I knew and just staying in my room, not talking to anybody, not eating, not taking care of myself. I wish my mom would've forced me to go to therapy.
In a few days I turn 19 and I just feel so lost, I have no social skills at all and it's terrible, I'm scared of talking to people and I have literally 0 ideas how to converse with somebody new. I feel so alone hanging out with my friends and their significant others, and there I am, just clueless. I don't know if I'm scared of women or just hate them, but when I see a cute girl, I'm thinking of two choices, or she thinks I'm cute or that I'm a creep, but I've never actually approached anybody before. I just get so scared of judgement and revealing myself that I prefer to shut in within myself more and to not say a word to anybody. And when I talk to a girl online it feels so forced, need to think of what to say 100 times before sending a message, and then only to receive short and dry texts, that show that the person I'm speaking with is not interested in talking to me at all. I've never actually felt wanted by anybody else, it's always me that falls in love and gets obsessed with them..
Atm the only girl in my life is a friend of mine, I've had a crush on her a while back and as I started to catch feelings she got into a relationship with another guy, who is also a friend of mine.. The problem is that now I need to fight these feelings, I'm trying to move on from that, but I just feel so fucked up that I still like her, we just play together sometimes and meet up now and then but it gets me excited everytime. Because I just long for this female attention that I don't have I guess. I know that even if I confessed to her (if she didn't have a bf) I would still probably get rejected and it's better off I don't express these feelings ever. I just hate feeling this attraction to women sometimes, and because I've been alone for so long with no female attention, every time I meet a new girl I get a crush on her and get obsessed over her, thinking "maybe it's the one finally" but of course it's always one sided.
Every day I get back from work I just shut myself inside my room, not saying anything to my parents. Not that I don't want to, but I physically feel like I can't. I spent my entire childhood in my room, and as I grew up I distanced myself from my family more and more, stopped going on trips, stopped coming when they met up, etc. But I feel so alone.. I just wish I could've been more open as a person and stopped being so shut in, I feel like staying in my room my entire life ruined me.. Me and my mom talk sometimes, mostly just good morning and good night, how are you? i'm okay. and it ends there. but every now and then I pour my feelings out, I shared with her the state that I'm in and that I'm the closest I've ever been to killing myself, and she suggested I'll start therapy. I've never actually had any therapy, even though my whole life I've been fighting those feelings and a lot of more fucked up shit, I've always just rejected the idea of it, basically thinking I'm lost already and there is nothing to save with therapy now. But I do wanna get better, at least for the time I have now, my mom just needs to find a therapist and I'll give it a try I guess.. It's my last option before suicide pretty much, I'll keep on searching and learning, hopefully finding my perfect way out, and on the side I'll try therapy, hopefully at least the time I have left on this earth will go by a little easier. I gave up on my life already, I give myself a couple of years maximum, but why not trying to finding my peace where I can in the time I have left right? I just try to be as productive as I can meanwhile, making music and trying to leave a mark, so even when I won't be here anymore, at least there's a part of me on the internet forever, for both the closest people I have and for people on the internet who may enjoy it as well.
