clown_17
Almost gone, it almost worked
- Oct 24, 2020
- 288
I've tried an assortment of treatments. 12 meds in total, with 2 extra PRNs.
That's 4 antipsychotics, 3 ssris, 1 snri, 1 dnri, 1 mood stabilizer, and 3 stimulants.
I'm in a DBT program and nearly complete and I don't think it's helped me that much if at all. I've been in therapy for 3 years by now. I've also tried CBT and EMDR. I've tried at least 7 therapists by now. I've been in both inpatient and outpatient hospital care.
I'm currently halfway through a TMS program and I haven't had a single sign fo progress.
Still, nothing gets better. I've wasted money, countless hours of effort, days of my time, and a shit ton of government money. For what? To still feel just as bad as before I started?
I'm especially pissed off about TMS not working. I payed a lot of money for this as my "last resort" kind of thing. I decided I woudlnt give up on myself until I had finished TMS. It's not done yet but I'm already starting to give up on myself. I'm just so done with everything. I don't know how to cope knowing the treatment made for people with treatment resistance won't even work for me. My brain is terminally immune to being happy it seems
I don't feel like myself or like a person. The anhedonia is so bad that I can barely make myslef care about anything. My whole existence is so embarassing. I just scroll endlessly online, constantly trying to outrun bad feelings with digital distractions. Eventually I have a breakdown form how long I've been numb for. Then I go numb in response to my breakdown. The cycle repeats.
I don't have ambitions. I might have a good job opportunity soon but I don't think I even want to take it. I'm not sure why, I just feel like i can't do a good job at all if I can't care about anything. And besides I'd probably just hate it as much as I hate everything else, maybe even more because of the stress. I don't belong anywhere or in anything that human beings do. I exist just to be invisible.
I have barely any thoughts or feelings. It's so empty in my head it's unnerving. I don't understand my thoughts and I don't know how to communicate how I feel to anyone. Even when I try, I'm unable to feel an emotional connection to anyone around me. I will feel the same talking to a brick wall as I would talking to someone who loves me dearly.
I'm barely able to distract myself with media anymore. I find it even harder and harder to care about all the tv shows and the sites I used to go on. Everything is nothing. I'm so removed from the world.
I'm exhausted all the time. I don't have the energy to fix my life, do dbt skills, pick up a hobby, anything. Besides, even if I did, it woudjt make me feel better.
I'm just so fucking frustrated. I would be getting drunk or high every night but my brain is so fucking broken that even those things aren't euphoric or even emotion inducing. It's all just a different flavour of numb.
I try and I fight but it seems time and time again the world is just trying to prove to me that suicide is my only option. One of these days I'll have to accept reality and get on with dying
That's 4 antipsychotics, 3 ssris, 1 snri, 1 dnri, 1 mood stabilizer, and 3 stimulants.
I'm in a DBT program and nearly complete and I don't think it's helped me that much if at all. I've been in therapy for 3 years by now. I've also tried CBT and EMDR. I've tried at least 7 therapists by now. I've been in both inpatient and outpatient hospital care.
I'm currently halfway through a TMS program and I haven't had a single sign fo progress.
Still, nothing gets better. I've wasted money, countless hours of effort, days of my time, and a shit ton of government money. For what? To still feel just as bad as before I started?
I'm especially pissed off about TMS not working. I payed a lot of money for this as my "last resort" kind of thing. I decided I woudlnt give up on myself until I had finished TMS. It's not done yet but I'm already starting to give up on myself. I'm just so done with everything. I don't know how to cope knowing the treatment made for people with treatment resistance won't even work for me. My brain is terminally immune to being happy it seems
I don't feel like myself or like a person. The anhedonia is so bad that I can barely make myslef care about anything. My whole existence is so embarassing. I just scroll endlessly online, constantly trying to outrun bad feelings with digital distractions. Eventually I have a breakdown form how long I've been numb for. Then I go numb in response to my breakdown. The cycle repeats.
I don't have ambitions. I might have a good job opportunity soon but I don't think I even want to take it. I'm not sure why, I just feel like i can't do a good job at all if I can't care about anything. And besides I'd probably just hate it as much as I hate everything else, maybe even more because of the stress. I don't belong anywhere or in anything that human beings do. I exist just to be invisible.
I have barely any thoughts or feelings. It's so empty in my head it's unnerving. I don't understand my thoughts and I don't know how to communicate how I feel to anyone. Even when I try, I'm unable to feel an emotional connection to anyone around me. I will feel the same talking to a brick wall as I would talking to someone who loves me dearly.
I'm barely able to distract myself with media anymore. I find it even harder and harder to care about all the tv shows and the sites I used to go on. Everything is nothing. I'm so removed from the world.
I'm exhausted all the time. I don't have the energy to fix my life, do dbt skills, pick up a hobby, anything. Besides, even if I did, it woudjt make me feel better.
I'm just so fucking frustrated. I would be getting drunk or high every night but my brain is so fucking broken that even those things aren't euphoric or even emotion inducing. It's all just a different flavour of numb.
I try and I fight but it seems time and time again the world is just trying to prove to me that suicide is my only option. One of these days I'll have to accept reality and get on with dying
