Venting I'm in the endgame now

[foxdie]

I had such high hopes that I'd ctb by now. I didn't expect to make it past July (time of my last attempts) and yet I'm still here. I've tried to block out everyone in my life and have lost contact with the few people I know in my life. This has been mostly successful. There was a small part of me before that wished someone would notice but I'm glad now no one did. But now certain events in my life are making my absence more noticeable. I don't have the energy to lie or push people away anymore. I just want to sleep forever, I hate my life and this cruel world and have no hope of things getting any better. But now I'm messing with some of my family knowing how suicidal I am. I don't want to be put away. I would never rush my ctb but I realized the freedom I have to do it now may soon be limited. This will make it infinity more difficult in the long run and I may be forced to endure. I'm just upset I guess, I wish I could just do it... FML

 

[Valon]

Survival instinct is a bitch.

 

[rt1989526]

I am also battling SI. It is terrible as I have no quality of life or reason to stay alive. What were your previous attempts like? If you don't want to talk about them no problem

 

[foxdie]

I am also battling SI. It is terrible as I have no quality of life or reason to stay alive. What were your previous attempts like? If you don't want to talk about them no problem

I tried plastic bag with my hands bound but the sleeping pills failed me. I tried full suspension in my bathroom but pulled the pole right out of the wall, I'm not even that heavy. I don't have any other good anchor points, or any I guess. With those two failures back to back I desperately tried manual strangulation but couldn't pass out. Wasn't a fun day and a half to say the least.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

i'm sorry you've been forced to suffer for so long. it's especially awful that there's a chance you have to suffer for longer. nobody deserves that.

 

[muffin222]

I'm sorry life has brought you such pain and sorrow. I hope that you can find some glimmer of hope or comfort to help you endure, if that's what you choose to do
<3

 

[LetzteAusfahrt]

I would be happy if I can help you make a decision. Being able to help others is the reason that I didn't take the bus long ago.

What exactly is it that keeps you trapped in this world that does not allow you to find peace?

 

[foxdie]

I would be happy if I can help you make a decision. Being able to help others is the reason that I didn't take the bus long ago.

What exactly is it that keeps you trapped in this world that does not allow you to find peace?

Oh I'm not seeking help but thanks for the offer. The decision is made, if I had a gun right now I would not be typing this. My SI traps me here.