I'm in deep trouble

[Painless_end]

I thought that I had the courage to jump or hang myself but turns out I have the courage to do neither.

I live with my parents. I have a very deep fundamental weakness in that my brain lacks the component of structure or motivation that is present in normal people which allows them to get ready for jobs, hobbies, relationships etc.

My brain is simply speaking, not robust. Robustness of the brain is the essential quality for living a long life until you die of natural causes (or accident). I lack it. It's just not there. It's been like this since childhood, I just realized it now after turning into an adult. I am 31 now.

It's like having an empty cardboard box that is vaccum sealed instead of the part of the brain that is responsible for developing and maintaining interest in above mentioned things. Other things are intact - motor function, cognition, memory, etc

It's a mind-bending existence that I cannot begin to describe to anybody.

Medication, meditation, exercise, socialization - nothing works for long or gives any kind of sustained result.

Basically I am an empty bag of air that floats on top of wherever exists the least amount of responsibility in life.

It's tiresome and very problematic in daily life.

 

[autumnal]

Have you ever had any kind of diagnosis related to this?

 

[Painless_end]

Have you ever had any kind of diagnosis related to this?

They diagnosed it by symptoms, called it depression etc.

Truth is, it's something worse. It's a complete lack of ability to adjust to life.

 

[Oh_dear_how_Gastly]

You aren't alone. I also struggle with motivation.. I have memory issues and trouble with focusing/attention due to my depression. I am unable to work as I make so many mistakes that I end up getting let go.

I don't know if this helps at all but I know how you feel and you aren't alone. I feel guilty for not working/being a contributing member of society and it makes me want to ctb. However I am extremely afraid of death and dying so I'm basically unable to even do that. I feel stuck. I'm stuck with my own mind which bullies me all day telling me how worthless I am and how much of a burden I am.

Do you struggle with these thoughts as well?

 

[Lunarhour]

They diagnosed it by symptoms, called it depression etc.

Truth is, it's something worse. It's a complete lack of ability to adjust to life.

Do you smoke alot of weed? That stuff can cause brain fog and can take away ones ambition/motivation.

 

[Painless_end]

You aren't alone. I also struggle with motivation.. I have memory issues and trouble with focusing/attention due to my depression. I am unable to work as I make so many mistakes that I end up getting let go.

I don't know if this helps at all but I know how you feel and you aren't alone. I feel guilty for not working/being a contributing member of society and it makes me want to ctb. However I am extremely afraid of death and dying so I'm basically unable to even do that. I feel stuck. I'm stuck with my own mind which bullies me all day telling me how worthless I am and how much of a burden I am.

Do you struggle with these thoughts as well?

I don't have depression. I had it in the past. I have mental inability that cannot be overcome.

I am not afraid of dying, I am afraid of the pain involved in the suicide attempt.

One of the major manifestations of my problem is my inability to stick to routine. This has cost me jobs, and hindered my growth to the point where I am at the rock bottom today. But routine is only part of it, my real problem is lack of mental robustness to "lift" the weight of any growth path linked to any career. Meaning that I studied Computer Engineering in my undergraduate, but instead of conceptually understanding it, I memorized the knowledge contained in the textbooks without understanding it deeply and simply copied assignments from others to actually complete the degree. At one point of time, I actually used the services of an external person to write some of my assignments for me.

Anyways, doing all this, I passed the course, but when I started doing a job, I was in deep shit after about one year or so. I coudn't actually work like the others around me. It caused me extreme stress as I was not able to perform. I had to quit that job.

I had another job since then but my lack of interest in my education field or any other field has made me a complete recluse. Which is why, I was hoping to die soon. But something has gone wrong, my survival instinct is unable to get suppressed.

That's why I'm in such deep shit. My parents are breathing down my neck. I have no idea what to do anymore.

Do you smoke alot of weed? That stuff can cause brain fog and can take away ones ambition/motivation.

I have never smoked it in my life. I also do not drink or smoke either. Even my diet is mostly healthy.

 

[Lunarhour]

I have never smoked it in my life. I also do not drink or smoke either. Even my diet is mostly healthy.

wow, good job on avoiding the drugs and alcohol. What about childhood trauma? Bullying and social rejection during a persons early school years is highly effective at darkening ones views/attitude towards society as a whole and life in general.

 

[ssaaahmo]

i'm sorry you're hurting so much
have you heard of executive functioning disorder? it sounds kind of like that (i'm not a professional but i know someone who has this and their story sounds kind of similar to yours)

 

[noaccount]

A lot of people I have talked to in Autistic self-advocacy circles have struggled with similar things to this, maybe they are people who could relate if you reached out to them?